It's han's 49th day tomorrow. It's a strange feelng...suddenly reality dawns in on me that it has been 49 days since he left us. Barely 49 days, already 49 days...whichever way you look at it.

I was reading Auguste's email to Soi Yee just now and somehow what he said in the email, the content and the tone just made me feel as if I was back in Arizona and we were going through the funeral arrangements. It's all still so fresh in my memory.

Han....I really don't know what this 49 days mean to me tomorrow. I never really took it for real that you are around us within these 49 days. But now that the 49th day means you will leave for good, that your soul will leave forever, I feel sad all over again, as if losing you a second time. I still cannot quite believe that you are gone forever. It's not a reality that has totally set in. I still cry when I think of you and I still cannot bear to think of you for too long, in case I cry. Even thinking of the beautiful memories makes me cry.

Remember when we went out to "chiong" together? I brought you into Chinajump and we've also been to SOS before? You're the only cousin whom I dare to really be myself with, whom I dare to smoke in front of and not be judged or scolded. What we had was so special and I cannot believe that it's something that will be gone forever. Why do you have to leave so soon?

I woke up crying on Saturday night because I had another dream. You were not physically in it but I was thinking of you in my dream. I saw a pilot who was undergoing training and there was another trainer pilot who was there. The trainer was sitting on a platform on the pilot's shoulders and he was supposed to undergo the training to pull the plane upwards when it's falling and when the pressure is very heavy on his shoulders. The pilot was gritting his teeth and it was so difficult to do that. Then the trainer said something like this was exactly what happened to LTA Brandon Loo and that's why he crashed. Just the thought of you in my dream made me cry. The dream was just there for a few spilt seconds. I was semi-concious. I woke up crying and crying.

Sometimes I do not know whether it is a good thing to be so busy at work. My life is jammed packed with things to do and I have little time to think about things, about you. I wish I could spend more time with you in my thoughts but I am really stressed up at work. Maybe it's a good thing because it helps to distract me and I can slowly get over this. I dunno...

I managed to retrieve my friendster account sometime last week and I printed out your testimony for me. I actually pasted it at my workstation in school. You know, I had always wanted to write you a long long testimonial but I procrastinated like crazy. Now, I have no more chance to tell the whole world and tell your good friends what a dear cousin you are to me and how much fun we have together. I remember those messages you posted on my message board, saying things like me looking so "gek sai" in the photo with Bart and I rememebr replying saying that yours was no better and that it was "gek sei". We were talking about you coming back in April and us meeting up by hook or by crook remember?

I really miss you. I don't know if I will ever get over your death and if I will ever stop missing you. My father's left me for almost 7 years already and I still miss him and I still cry when I think of him. Now I have one more person that I will miss...

You've taught me many good lessons about life. I will keep you with me forever. Han....wherever you are now and wherever you may go after tomorrow....don't forget me ok? Please take care...take good care...and I hope we will meet again someday...be it in my dreams, or in our next life, or whatever...