Why is it that you can do your work at your own steady pace when you have all the time for the rest of the day, and then when you only have 2 hours left before the office closes, piles of shitload just drops down on your lap demanding your immediate attention?
blardy hell...this is shitty boy.
Oh what the heck...at least I have a neat and clean room to come home to. At least for now....got to try my best not to mess it up!
Monday, January 31, 2005
Compliments and hints
I'm going to find time to learn something new. Focus on myself for once. Here's what I think I can do :
1) Driving lessons
2) Make-up / skincare lessons
3) Facials
4) Exercise (must start) /diet (ongoing)
That's about it for now. I think I need lessons on make-up application because of my uneven eyelids. One side looks different from the other. Whenever I apply any eye make-up, it only serves to highlight the difference between my two eyes. That's why I've been avoiding eye shadows. At most, I use mascara. I think I need to change. Learn the trick to using make-up to enhance rather than to draw attention to the wrong areas.
I seemed to catch the hint just now. He was trying to tell me that it would be nice if I could use abit more make-up, or if I could doll-up abit more. I think I got the hint. Then after that while I was at home washing my face, I started to wonder....then why is it that when I do apply the stuff (for wedding dinners, etc), he never seemed to notice nor compliment?
Likewise, I'm not sure what he likes to see me in. As in, what kind of clothes, what sort of style. He never complains nor compliments...which in a way is good, but I can't quite tell what he likes. Even if what I wear doesn't really matter to him, I still like to dress up for him, once in awhile...and I am clueless what he likes.
Compliment when you like what you see....that'll be the hint to me to tell me you like to see me in this and that outfit....
As for the extras on the sides and the belly...I'm working on it, ok? :-)
Wow....new year resolution : Look good, feel great!
1) Driving lessons
2) Make-up / skincare lessons
3) Facials
4) Exercise (must start) /diet (ongoing)
That's about it for now. I think I need lessons on make-up application because of my uneven eyelids. One side looks different from the other. Whenever I apply any eye make-up, it only serves to highlight the difference between my two eyes. That's why I've been avoiding eye shadows. At most, I use mascara. I think I need to change. Learn the trick to using make-up to enhance rather than to draw attention to the wrong areas.
I seemed to catch the hint just now. He was trying to tell me that it would be nice if I could use abit more make-up, or if I could doll-up abit more. I think I got the hint. Then after that while I was at home washing my face, I started to wonder....then why is it that when I do apply the stuff (for wedding dinners, etc), he never seemed to notice nor compliment?
Likewise, I'm not sure what he likes to see me in. As in, what kind of clothes, what sort of style. He never complains nor compliments...which in a way is good, but I can't quite tell what he likes. Even if what I wear doesn't really matter to him, I still like to dress up for him, once in awhile...and I am clueless what he likes.
Compliment when you like what you see....that'll be the hint to me to tell me you like to see me in this and that outfit....
As for the extras on the sides and the belly...I'm working on it, ok? :-)
Wow....new year resolution : Look good, feel great!
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Patience...argh!
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should be doing anything.
I felt better after blogging the previous post. But after awhile, I feel like "maybe I shouldn't have". I don't know why. Writing all that made me enthusiastic about putting in more effort for something I treasure. But I also know that it takes 2 hands to clap. Nevermind if one hand claps louder than the other, but both must participate, right?
I don't even know if the intensity of the seriousness is that much for me to fret over it this much. Maybe I should just wait patiently and let it pass...
argh!! I feel like it....Got a light?
I felt better after blogging the previous post. But after awhile, I feel like "maybe I shouldn't have". I don't know why. Writing all that made me enthusiastic about putting in more effort for something I treasure. But I also know that it takes 2 hands to clap. Nevermind if one hand claps louder than the other, but both must participate, right?
I don't even know if the intensity of the seriousness is that much for me to fret over it this much. Maybe I should just wait patiently and let it pass...
argh!! I feel like it....Got a light?
What we need
Relationships take effort. A relationships that is going to be long-lasting is going to need tending to, attention and effort. It won't just happen on its own.
When our relationship was new, it was very exciting. Everything we did with each other was a new experience, and was exhilarating! Just taking a walk, or maybe even going to the movies was exciting and fun. However, as times goes by, these things that once seemed fun now seems "old," or "boring."
Both of us need to work on finding ways to keep our love and romance new and exciting. It's normal for a relationship to have a "low" period (like what we are having now, I think) but it's important that we both know this is just a phase that will pass. It's even more important to know that we both need to put in effort to feel close again.
You need time to be alone, and I can understand that. I don't think it was fair for you to treat me that way last night (getting angry at me but not telling why, not even wanting to look at me) I know you were not well, that's partly why I did not want to pick a fight (I was really fuming inside). I also knew that it would be pointless to show my discontent at that time. So I went home.
We used to lie in bed and chat till one of us fell asleep. We would read LOTR to each other. We would hold hands when we walk. We would hold hands at the movies. We kissed all the time. We made breakfast together on Sundays. You would make breakfast for me. We would go out to take pictures with our cameras. We washed the car together.
These are special to me. You are special to me. It will take effort on both of us to make each other feel special. I may be a very low-maintenance girlfriend to have, but honestly, it's only in the material areas. You don't need to romance me with expensive gifts or take me to classy restuarants to impress me or pay for my shopping. What I need for you is what I cannot buy nor give to myself...and that is affection, attention and love. I need physical pampering (touches, hugs, etc)
We love each other...and we need to show each other that we love each other. Let's not fall into the "take-each-other-for-granted" pit? Let's not assume that whatever we are giving to each other now is the 100% right formula to make each other feel loved...Maybe it was the right thing to do for each other then, but our relationship grows and changes along with time and we should not stick to "what used to work" but rather, "What works best now".
I want to start doing new things. We should start a hobby/activity together. How about cycling? We've been talking about it for ages but have yet to get down to getting a suitable bike for you. I think our weekends are just too "dull" because we do almost the same thing every weekend. You should take up a new hobby, learn painting or a new language...whatever. I should seriously start my driving lessons on weekday nights.
Our lives get too mundane because we take every single activity for granted. The daily routine gets too routined and therefore so dead. I think we should find something to do on our own, and something to do together on weekends.
I love you. I'm not sure if what I'm blogging here makes any sense or not, but the bottomline of everything is, I love you and I cherish us...alot. Things around us may change, people come and go in our lives, but at the end of the day, it's still you that I love.
So...how about doing something new? Some cycling/beach/outdoor stuff on weekends may do some good...we need the sun and exercise! But no hurry ok...I don't mean that we dive straight into things immediately...take your time, and tell me how you feel about it baby..
When our relationship was new, it was very exciting. Everything we did with each other was a new experience, and was exhilarating! Just taking a walk, or maybe even going to the movies was exciting and fun. However, as times goes by, these things that once seemed fun now seems "old," or "boring."
Both of us need to work on finding ways to keep our love and romance new and exciting. It's normal for a relationship to have a "low" period (like what we are having now, I think) but it's important that we both know this is just a phase that will pass. It's even more important to know that we both need to put in effort to feel close again.
You need time to be alone, and I can understand that. I don't think it was fair for you to treat me that way last night (getting angry at me but not telling why, not even wanting to look at me) I know you were not well, that's partly why I did not want to pick a fight (I was really fuming inside). I also knew that it would be pointless to show my discontent at that time. So I went home.
We used to lie in bed and chat till one of us fell asleep. We would read LOTR to each other. We would hold hands when we walk. We would hold hands at the movies. We kissed all the time. We made breakfast together on Sundays. You would make breakfast for me. We would go out to take pictures with our cameras. We washed the car together.
These are special to me. You are special to me. It will take effort on both of us to make each other feel special. I may be a very low-maintenance girlfriend to have, but honestly, it's only in the material areas. You don't need to romance me with expensive gifts or take me to classy restuarants to impress me or pay for my shopping. What I need for you is what I cannot buy nor give to myself...and that is affection, attention and love. I need physical pampering (touches, hugs, etc)
We love each other...and we need to show each other that we love each other. Let's not fall into the "take-each-other-for-granted" pit? Let's not assume that whatever we are giving to each other now is the 100% right formula to make each other feel loved...Maybe it was the right thing to do for each other then, but our relationship grows and changes along with time and we should not stick to "what used to work" but rather, "What works best now".
I want to start doing new things. We should start a hobby/activity together. How about cycling? We've been talking about it for ages but have yet to get down to getting a suitable bike for you. I think our weekends are just too "dull" because we do almost the same thing every weekend. You should take up a new hobby, learn painting or a new language...whatever. I should seriously start my driving lessons on weekday nights.
Our lives get too mundane because we take every single activity for granted. The daily routine gets too routined and therefore so dead. I think we should find something to do on our own, and something to do together on weekends.
I love you. I'm not sure if what I'm blogging here makes any sense or not, but the bottomline of everything is, I love you and I cherish us...alot. Things around us may change, people come and go in our lives, but at the end of the day, it's still you that I love.
So...how about doing something new? Some cycling/beach/outdoor stuff on weekends may do some good...we need the sun and exercise! But no hurry ok...I don't mean that we dive straight into things immediately...take your time, and tell me how you feel about it baby..
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Ice Cream Baby
We did the BBQ impromptu last night! Went to our favourite Punggol place and had it simple. No frills (No coffee, no radio, no ice box, etc)
It was so peaceful just sitting there staring into the cloudless sky. The moonlight cast our shadows on the grass as we went about getting ready to cook. The stars seemed to have come out of their hiding places and were shining down on us happily. The 2 chimneys tops burning brightly was a sight to behold. I could just sit and stare at the flames licking the sky as the fuel burned away... It was so peaceful.
After the BBQ, we went for a game of mahjong at E's house. Had a rather good game and it was quite fun. Quite a good warm up to the endless rounds we will be having during CNY.
Oh...I forgot to mention...he came over yesterday and brought chocolate ice cream for me. That really cheered me up. You see, I need small gestures...not big time grand happenings in order to cheer up or feel better. Just a small gesture that shows you care...that's all. And I know you do...love you baby...
It was so peaceful just sitting there staring into the cloudless sky. The moonlight cast our shadows on the grass as we went about getting ready to cook. The stars seemed to have come out of their hiding places and were shining down on us happily. The 2 chimneys tops burning brightly was a sight to behold. I could just sit and stare at the flames licking the sky as the fuel burned away... It was so peaceful.
After the BBQ, we went for a game of mahjong at E's house. Had a rather good game and it was quite fun. Quite a good warm up to the endless rounds we will be having during CNY.
Oh...I forgot to mention...he came over yesterday and brought chocolate ice cream for me. That really cheered me up. You see, I need small gestures...not big time grand happenings in order to cheer up or feel better. Just a small gesture that shows you care...that's all. And I know you do...love you baby...
Friday, January 21, 2005
WTF
???????????????????????????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
???????????????????????????
read between the lines...can you see it?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
???????????????????????????
read between the lines...can you see it?
Dreamt of Dad
We were in my bedroom. It seems there were guests in the house. Then they left and we were in my room talking. I was sensitive about our volume of conversation because he was in the next room resting and he had just come home after being at the hospital for a long time. Then I told them to go do their own things as I needed to clean up my room. The guests had left my room in a mess.
As I was packing. I was tellin myself all these packing was not important. I should go out and spend time with him because every minute and every second counts now. He was so ill and I should cherish every bit of time that we could have together. Stop packing. I can always pack in future but I may not be able to spend time with him in future.
Then I heard the piano. Although he never had piano lessons, he always had an ear for music and was able to produce his favourite tunes on the keyboard with one hand. He was playing a chinese new year song. It was the first song in a karaoke vcd that I bought for him years back, when I bought the vcd player for him.
I stopped packing and went to the living room. He was on the piano chair and had stopped playing because he needed to lean to his side (he couldn't sit up straight for long as it would be painful for him) I went up to him and I wanted to give him a hug. I asked him how he was...
He looked at me, smiled, and said " Pa Pa hao3..."
And the he put him left arm around me and we hugged.
At that instant, I woke up. I sobbed. It was 4:15am.
I miss him so much. I realised, when I woke up, that he has already been gone for 7 years. I only wish we could had more hugs when we could. I cherish that dream very much...and all the other dreams I had of him in the past.
The dream was so real. And I always seem to wake up at the most important part of the dream. Religious beliefs aside, I secretly hope that he is indeed somewhere nearby watching over me and coming to my dreams to comfort me or visit me.
As I was packing. I was tellin myself all these packing was not important. I should go out and spend time with him because every minute and every second counts now. He was so ill and I should cherish every bit of time that we could have together. Stop packing. I can always pack in future but I may not be able to spend time with him in future.
Then I heard the piano. Although he never had piano lessons, he always had an ear for music and was able to produce his favourite tunes on the keyboard with one hand. He was playing a chinese new year song. It was the first song in a karaoke vcd that I bought for him years back, when I bought the vcd player for him.
I stopped packing and went to the living room. He was on the piano chair and had stopped playing because he needed to lean to his side (he couldn't sit up straight for long as it would be painful for him) I went up to him and I wanted to give him a hug. I asked him how he was...
He looked at me, smiled, and said " Pa Pa hao3..."
And the he put him left arm around me and we hugged.
At that instant, I woke up. I sobbed. It was 4:15am.
I miss him so much. I realised, when I woke up, that he has already been gone for 7 years. I only wish we could had more hugs when we could. I cherish that dream very much...and all the other dreams I had of him in the past.
The dream was so real. And I always seem to wake up at the most important part of the dream. Religious beliefs aside, I secretly hope that he is indeed somewhere nearby watching over me and coming to my dreams to comfort me or visit me.
the pain of losing you
I just read Debra and Andrea's livejournals. I feel better. There is more to life. I'm not a victim. Cherish those around me.
I miss han so much. I wish he never left. I'd call him right now and talk to him. He always had a way to make people feel better. Why was he taken so suddenly? I'm literally sitting here crying as I type this out. I need to pour it out. The pain has never left. I've moved on but thinking about it still hurts alot.
I miss han so much. I wish he never left. I'd call him right now and talk to him. He always had a way to make people feel better. Why was he taken so suddenly? I'm literally sitting here crying as I type this out. I need to pour it out. The pain has never left. I've moved on but thinking about it still hurts alot.
Alone and stressed
All I wanted was to do anything. Movie, drink, chill, watch cable TV...anything. I just don't want to stay home, in my room. If it's a guy's night out, fine. We'll have other opportunities to go clubbing together. I could live with that. I was real upset, NOT because I could not get my drinks for tonight, but because I thought I had plans for the night, then suddenly I don't have anything to do anymore.
Just like how I felt a few days before....I just want to spend time with him. I'm not becoming a clingy, whiny girlfriend. I am just stressed out and mentally tired and all I need is for someone to know and to be there for me. The someone whom I want to spend time with happens to be him but I think him doesn't seem to know. Maybe that's because I'm not sending out the signals right. I sure hope it's not because he doesn't care.
I really feel like going out by myself. Right now. I'd take a cab to the beach. Sit there till the sun rises.
Just like how I felt a few days before....I just want to spend time with him. I'm not becoming a clingy, whiny girlfriend. I am just stressed out and mentally tired and all I need is for someone to know and to be there for me. The someone whom I want to spend time with happens to be him but I think him doesn't seem to know. Maybe that's because I'm not sending out the signals right. I sure hope it's not because he doesn't care.
I really feel like going out by myself. Right now. I'd take a cab to the beach. Sit there till the sun rises.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Family
I just read her livejournal and she makes me miss han so much. I just feel like I always want to keep in touch with her because she's like a thread that links him to me, in a strange sort of way. I guess its the fact that we all love him alot and he was someone important to us. Her bf is also very sweet to always be there for her when she thinks and blogs about han. It's nice of him to not get upset over that space in her heart that she has reserved specially for han. I mean, some guys are that possesive to want to control even your emotions and thoughts, right?
"Pause to smell the roses" -- Sometimes I forget to do that. Not to smell the roses or to appreciate the green-ness of the grass but to spare some time to think and remember what is most important to me at the end of the day. Mum's birthday just past and I am glad I bought her the bag. At least the day did not past without any significant thing happening. The only thing I must insist we do is that we MUST have dinner together as a family. And I will take many many pictures! I think mum has not taken enough pictures together with Rachel and Julian. We have not taken a good family photo in a very long time. This must be a family tradition that I intend to start.
I'm so afraid I will lose the people I love.
"Pause to smell the roses" -- Sometimes I forget to do that. Not to smell the roses or to appreciate the green-ness of the grass but to spare some time to think and remember what is most important to me at the end of the day. Mum's birthday just past and I am glad I bought her the bag. At least the day did not past without any significant thing happening. The only thing I must insist we do is that we MUST have dinner together as a family. And I will take many many pictures! I think mum has not taken enough pictures together with Rachel and Julian. We have not taken a good family photo in a very long time. This must be a family tradition that I intend to start.
I'm so afraid I will lose the people I love.
Quality Time
It's a strange feeling.
I feel very tired at the end of a normal work day but I always look forward to the evening 'cos that's when I think my life is mine. That's when I can meet up with people that I want to meet and that's when I feel happy. That's when I can spend some time with people I want to spend time with, or sometimes even spend time on my own. I don't mind walking around at west mall aimlessly to window shop, but I do also appreciate company as well. It's a lonely feeling.
I want to spend time with you. I know you are tired too, well so am I. We can just rot in front of the TV. We don't have to go out. I can go home by myself. You need not send me home. I just want to spend time with you. I know sometimes we just want to be on our own. I like those times too...times when I can do my own things and just be alone....I like those too...
It's just that right now.....I just want to spend time with you....
I feel very tired at the end of a normal work day but I always look forward to the evening 'cos that's when I think my life is mine. That's when I can meet up with people that I want to meet and that's when I feel happy. That's when I can spend some time with people I want to spend time with, or sometimes even spend time on my own. I don't mind walking around at west mall aimlessly to window shop, but I do also appreciate company as well. It's a lonely feeling.
I want to spend time with you. I know you are tired too, well so am I. We can just rot in front of the TV. We don't have to go out. I can go home by myself. You need not send me home. I just want to spend time with you. I know sometimes we just want to be on our own. I like those times too...times when I can do my own things and just be alone....I like those too...
It's just that right now.....I just want to spend time with you....
Friday, January 07, 2005
I did it! I left school with only my handbag and NO WORK!! I wanted to go shopping and so we had dinner first, then he took me to Wisma Atria and set me free on my shopping spree. I've grown so much that I hardly have anything to wear anymore so it was indeed a must that I shopped! Anyway, I can wear these new clothes for Chinese New Year too...
So here's the harvest :
1) 2 skirts from Topshop
2)1 blouse from Topshop
3) 1 dress from Southhaven (+ one left there for alteration)
4) 1 blouse from iona
5) 4 t-shirts from Giordano
Whooppee!!!!
So here's the harvest :
1) 2 skirts from Topshop
2)1 blouse from Topshop
3) 1 dress from Southhaven (+ one left there for alteration)
4) 1 blouse from iona
5) 4 t-shirts from Giordano
Whooppee!!!!
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
It's only day 3 but I feel as if it's week 3 already. Been DEAD TIRED everyday and I am really physically drained.
I joined the teaching profession because I want to teach. But the irony of it all now is that I have so many other deadlines and important things to do that teaching and lesson planning has been pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I hardly have time to plan my lessons properly! It's very stressful for me because I am simply not the sort of person who can give free periods to my students because I am not prepared for the lesson. I am not like that. It's against my principles as a teacher.
So because of my own principles, I am indeed suffering as I find myself striving hard to plan and ensure that my lesson flow is smooth and my notes are all prepared. Bad luck that I have to teach English again after a 2 year break. Two years may seem a very short time to many but in the teaching line, 2 years without teaching a particular subject is an excellent rust agent. I need double the time now as I am all rusty on what it takes to teach English. I forgot all about reading periods, journals, diaries, etc....I am so going to freak out.
Am very sleepy now and am actually spouting nonsense. I shall go to bed now.
Thought for the night (or for tomorrow, for that matter) : What I am in teaching for?
I joined the teaching profession because I want to teach. But the irony of it all now is that I have so many other deadlines and important things to do that teaching and lesson planning has been pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I hardly have time to plan my lessons properly! It's very stressful for me because I am simply not the sort of person who can give free periods to my students because I am not prepared for the lesson. I am not like that. It's against my principles as a teacher.
So because of my own principles, I am indeed suffering as I find myself striving hard to plan and ensure that my lesson flow is smooth and my notes are all prepared. Bad luck that I have to teach English again after a 2 year break. Two years may seem a very short time to many but in the teaching line, 2 years without teaching a particular subject is an excellent rust agent. I need double the time now as I am all rusty on what it takes to teach English. I forgot all about reading periods, journals, diaries, etc....I am so going to freak out.
Am very sleepy now and am actually spouting nonsense. I shall go to bed now.
Thought for the night (or for tomorrow, for that matter) : What I am in teaching for?
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