Cat Rescue

When I sat down at the computers at the staffroom to do my work, I heard the distant and yet distinct meowing sounds of a kitten. I went out of the staffroom to investigate. I followed the sounds and found three little kittens in an overturned dustbin at the foot of the staircase outside the Art studio. The smell of the cat pee was distinct and the kittens were cold and hungry. I went back to the staffroom and got hold of an unwanted cardboard box and took some newspapers to line the box. Our cleaning lady also gave me some cloth bits to make a soft bed for the kittens. Then, D and I put the kittens inside the box and we went out to the market nearby to but some kitten food and some towels.

When we returned, we took the kittens out one by one and I used a wet towel to wipe them. Then, after drying them with a dry towel, we fed the little kitties and put them back into the box. We put the box back at the same spot next to the dustbin where we found them, hoping that their mother would come back for them.

Then, at about 5pm. M called me and told me to come take a look at a kitten that was outside the staffroom. I was puzzled. How could those kittens escape from the box downstairs and climb all the way up 2 flights of stairs?

When I went out to the corridor, I saw Q on a stool, bending over to peer behind those lockers that were outside our staffroom. He said, "Be mentally prepared, one of them is dead." I got up on the stool and peered over as well. I was shocked. There was a tiny grey kitten who was making all that noise. Next to her, there was a much larger cat who was obviously totally squashed between the lockers and the wall. The larger cat's eyes were open and its front legs were outstretched, but it was not moving.

"The other cat's much bigger. I think its their mother." I said.

How are we going to move those lockers? They were individual blocks of 3, but they were all sitting inside a frame on the floor. I suggested that we called SPCA as they had the professional people who probably could find a way to fish the cats out of that spot. Then, as I was calling SPCA to get help, Q, F and M managed to move the lockers! I told the lady at SPCA that I would call her back. Then I helped them to move the lockers out.

Much to our surprise, Mummy Cat MOVED!

She wasn't dead! She was just trapped. But when we moved the lockers aside, she "fell" out of that spot she was trapped in and she was kind of wobbly. The little kitten was crawling all over the place and it was meowing away very loudly. Poor Mummy Cat's face was so squashed she looked as if someone was pressing her cheeks together. It must have been painful to be squashed in that position for god-knows-how-long. Luckily they were not crushed instead.

Anyway, we quickly got hold of the extra shelves and doors of the lockers and used them to "cordon" off the area so that Mummy Cat would not be able to run away. It was then that we decided that she was definitely "an animal in distress" and we decided that SPCA should take her away.

I called SPCA again and the lady over the phone explained the policies to me. Basically, their vets would examine the animals that are brought in. Once an animal is diagnosed to be suffering from disease, illness or injury and treatment and cure would take a long time, they would probably put the animal to sleep. I said I was aware of and I understood the policy and informed them that we would like them to come down to get Mummy Cat and her kittens anyway.

We did not know what else we could do. Mummy Cat was obviously injured. Both her eyes looked glazed and there seemed to be pus in them. (Probably the result of being squashed for so long) Even if SPCA only took her away, her kittens do not look well either (3 out of 4 have eye infections too) and they were too young to be nursed other than by their mother.

Calling SPCA was the best option. Their suffering would end. SIGH.

I stayed with Mummy Cat and her kitten throughout, only leaving to pack my bags as the office was closing. (D accompanied the cats while I went to pack). When SPCA finally came, Mummy Cat seemed to have sense the presence of the "strangers" and she hissed fiercely at the guy from SPCA. He put a large brown blanket over her and managed to take the kitten away first (Kitty was put into the large animal carrier). Then he gently rubbed her and calmed her down. Eventually, he was able to catch her by the scruff of her neck and he lifted her into the animal carrier too. Then, one by one, the other 3 kittens were also put into the carrier with their mummy. United at last.

Here are some pics of Mummy Cat and the Little Grey One :

Lazy?

I'M SICK OF WORK!!

I'm fugging tired...

It's wishful thinking to even think that there is time to do your own things and clear your work during a camp. There is NO time. Not if you're the overall in-charge of the camp.

I haven't done a single bit of the SEM work that I am supposed to do. The rest of the team have completed their share and I have not done mine yet. I'm supposed to be the damn leader. I wonder how I'm supposed to get it done by Wednesday for presentation. I still have to read through what the team has written and do my own scoring before the presentation. I'm so fugged.

I can never do anything that requires brain-work during a camp. I always end up doing brainless things like packing and packing. I even packed up the Dean's room for goodness sake. I wonder how the rest can come to work in an office that looks more like a storeroom. Anyway, I did it for myself. So that I'd have a more pleasant sight to greet me when I come to work everyday.

Work work work. I can't wait to take a break. To put my feet up at the beach, sip a drink and read a book. It's becoming more and more mundane and tiresome.

Maybe I'm just tired from the camp. I did not realise that I was THAT tired till I woke up this morning and realised that I had actually fallen asleep the minute my head was on the cushion. Good thing the safari bed was quite comfortable.

I still need to come in tomorrow morning to do the damn SEM crap. And there may be a meeting at 1:30pm with the SLC members. But this meeting depends on whether or not the guy from the CC is able to come down to meet the kids. That fella better reply my message today to let me know if he can come. Or I'll be extremely pissed at him. WTF... the thought of having to work on the last day of the year is already sick enough. To have meetings about the work on that day is just irritating and annoying.

Argh!! I got to do something to take the negativities away. Am feeling really irritated, tired, frustrated and sick of work.

Sigh...where's the rich old man for me to marry, murder, inherit and fly away from???

7 Nov 1997, 8:25pm, Assisi Hospice

I wonder what my life would be like now if Pa was still around.

I sprained my ankle when I fell down in school last Friday. This is the first time in my life when I am hurt and mobility is a problem. I have been complaining that I feel extremely handicapped and the restrictions to my movement frustrates me tremendously. I may be able to walk rather well now but my still-swollen foot is evidence that the injury has not healed. The excrutiating pain when the doctor rubs my ankle is another clear signal that my injury is far from recovery.

I was adviced not to walk around too much and to prop my feet up high as often as I can so as to reduce the swell. I said to myself, "How is that possible?" There's just so much to be down at work! I had initially decided to take tomorrow off to rest my foot and arrangements were made for it. But then I overlooked the stock-checking exercise that was arranged at 2pm tomorrow and I realise that its something that I cannot miss as I am the one who's clearest about what needs to be done and how it should be done.

At this moment, I wish I had practiced more leadership in ensuring that the other teachers in the CCA were involved in the previous rounds of stock-checking. But wait and minute.. teachers for the CCA were changed ever-so-often so there was no opportunity for me to coach any new-comer on the ropes.

So, I have to go to school tomorrow. If not for the morning lessons, then at least for the stock checking at 2pm.

Ok eough gripe about work. Back to my foot. I feel immobilized. I can't carry on my daily routines at the usual speed. Everything has to slow down and I'm not used to it at all. I prefer zipping my way around all the time. So this situation now is forcing me to take it easy and to slow down. Perhaps its a good thing to do but I feel so restricted. I wanted to pop by to the bookshop at the mall nearby to get myself some stationary, but i had to think twice about walking and standing that much. I feel so angry at this swollen foot of mine. Why won't you shrink?

If my minor ankle problem frustrates me so much, how then did Pa endure through all the immobility that cancer brought upon to him? If I had to be confined to a bed and be unable to walk normally, run, skip or jump, I would be such a bitter and unhappy person.

He was so strong to have endured through all this. All the way.

I miss you Pa. And I love you very much.

I need a holiday!

Oh, those happy and carefree days at Redang...























Friggin cold waters at a mangrove in Krabi.
Apparently, the waters would be crystal clear on Sunny days. We happened to be at Krabi during the rainy season. (It rained 4 out of our 5 days there)
Those roots you see are actually real strong and sturdy. I had to hang on to them in order not to be swept away by the current.
Our guide told us that people actually "sail" down the mangrove river on sunny days. We've also seen pictures of this mangrove where the banks are crowded with tourist folks.
Well, I had the whole mangrove to myself that day.
Took alot of courage to jump into the waters. The guide had to find a spot where there were no rocks. And then we were supposed to jump in. Not climb in from the sides. Jump. From a platform a distance above the river. The exhilaration that very moment when I took the leap and hit the murky waters was awesome. It's my Mastercard experience. Priceless.

I shouldn't bother so much, really.

I read her blog. She sounded really sad from the break up. I checked the dates of her entry. Somehow, the dates seem to match.

The Art exam ended on 6 Oct 2006, Friday. Her entries began from 7 Oct 2006, Saturday.

It was 6 Oct 2006 that he sat for his Art paper. He did not do much for the paper and the art teacher took him aside and scolded spoke to him about it. She alerted me and got me to come out of the staffroom to speak to him about it too.

What has this got to do with her? I don't even know her. I've never seen her before. But the art teacher mentioned her during our conversation the scolding. The art teacher told him that she knew about their relationship and that her grades were not too good. The art teacher told him that she said she would work hard to prove to everyone that their relationship has not affected her studies. That was the point when he start crying. I sensed that his tears had got nothing to do with the Art exam, but I did not probe. He talked, in the middle of the sniffles, and said he felt that he had been trying so hard in his art but he just cannot seem to be good enough for it.

Now that I've read her blog, I think he used art as an analogy to his real emotions towards their relationship. I think something that the art teacher said made him decide to break up with her.

She sounds really really sad in her blog. And through reading what she wrote, I think she was someone good for him. He must have broken up with her because he felt that he did not want her to have to face all the finger-pointing if her results were poor.

I feel sad for them. And this makes me upset at the art teacher. IMHO, she is the indirect cause of their break up. I think she's SO fake. I can't stand it that so many students like her. I don't know why it irks me because it should not even be my business to begin with. But somehow, it just makes me angry to know what she is really like, and to see that her students are not aware of it.

Heck. Why do I waste my energy being upset at teachers who are not true to the profession, who do not really possess the heart of a teacher, who practices discrimination?

Questions

Am I a good teacher?

Do I make an impact?

Some teachers like to blog about their lives, their students and they post plenty of pictures too. They have tagboards where their students can comment on their blogs and give them words of affirmation that they're loved and etc...

Perhaps it irks me to read these blogs because I see another side of these teachers. I feel that they're so fake in their blogs. The things they say make them look like they're such angels, all caring and loving towards their students and of course, they're cared for and loved by their students too. But in reality, there's this other very dark side to them that others do not see.

These fakies have a whole string of student-followers. Current and ex-students love them. Perhaps they have indeed touched lives as they go along in their duties as teachers. I don't know.

I'm glad my blog is private. I don't like to have the students from my school visiting my blog, tagging it, leaving their cute-sy comments and stuff. If I want something like that, I'd do a new blog. One that only shows one side of me - the teacher side. I've contemplated on doing on like that actually. So that I can communicate things to my students that I find hard to articulate in class. Especially about the stress I feel and how much I really care. But well, it's tiring to maintain 2 blogs. So, forget it.

I hope that someday, somehow, those that I've taught before will come to realise that whatever I do, it is with good intention and that I really care.

A good teacher is not judged by the number of student-followers she has, nor by the number of teacher's day presents she received.

I sound so full-of-myself in this entry. Like as if I am really so good. Or...I think I'm good.

But, am I a really good teacher? Do I really make an impact?

I don't think I'll ever know.

It's payday

Citibank credit card - $400.00 (it's only partial payment)

DBS Mastercard - $55.00

Internet Broadband - $78.75

Changi Chalet - $225.00 (to get back from Ian soon)

Mum - $500.00

Savings - $x

That about sums up how I spend the measly sum I get for working my sorry ass off every month.

Oh, on a lighter note.. I still have not cashed out the ERS and NSS shares that the garment gave to everyone. Simply because I was too lazy to cash it out. So now, I have a pretty tidy sum tucked away in the garment's bank, waiting for me to spend. I shall leave it there for rainy days... or perhaps to pay for me holiday this year-end.

I want to go back to San Francisco...I want to go somewhere cold.

I need a holiday.... pretty desperately. I don't dare to think about work tomorrow. It's bound to be chaotic. I shall take in deep breathes and count to a million if I have to.

I'm hanging by a thread right now... dangling... rather dangerously... but well, at least I'm not that scared now. I can even manage a smile and maybe a giggle. Haha.. oh well... work is after all... just work.

There's got to be more to life than this!! *wave fist in the air*

Will-power

Zaki and I, 2001
Fight, my friend....

Push me over, please

I cried today.

Why should I bother when they don't care?
Why should I try so hard to encourage when they don't care?
Why should I work so hard for them when they don't care?
Why should I print so many worksheets and work out all the solutions when they don't care?
Why should I show that I care when they don't even bother to show that they care?
Why ask them to come back for remedials when all they do and chit chat, look around and do less than 5 questions in 3 hours?
Why should I care?

I try to focus on those who deserve my attention. Those who care. Those who bother. Those who work hard.

All it takes is just one or two who tell you point blank that they don't intend to even try. All it takes is just one or two who show you that they couldn't care less for the remedials and their attitude still stinks. And I'm down and out.

I almost cried in class. As I sat there working out the solutions, I almost broke down. I controlled myself like crazy. I tried to tell myself that its the ones in class who matter. Not those who have left the classroom. Not those whose minds are drifting either.

I burst into tears thinking about it when I was at my table.

Push me over, please.

It can't get any neater!

I took me a whole day. I didn't think it would but it did.

Here's the result :















check out the new shelves for my bags.
















I changed my bedsheets too...

















I even vacuumed my chair.


Ok. It can't get any neater than this!

Oh, I also washed a whole lotta dresses that I've left aside for far too long.

I decided to pack away some old bags. Will be taking them downstairs later. It will definitely be sorted out and the good ones will be picked out by some people. This is what I realised. If my stuff ain't too old/dirty and I don't have a need for them anymore, I'd pack them up and leave them downstairs, near the bin. Someone will somehow come take what he/she needs. So, at least those items do benefit someone else, if not me. I do this for my clothes, bags and shoes.

Wow....my hands feel tired. Too weak even to type. So much for all the cleaning, packing, dusting and vacuuming!

Now my room looks more decent. More like my little haven.

update on checklist

1) Staff ranking and appraisal
2) O level E Maths Prelim Paper 2 marking
3) EL CA2 Marking (Composition)
4) EL CA2 Marking (Grammar Test)
5) EL CA2 Marking (Reading Test)
6) OBS Sabah admin matters
7) EL SA2 3NA Paper 2 Marking
8) Keying in of all marks for all CA and SA
9) O level E Maths preparation for 4N1 (sigh... not sure if they actually bother)
10) SEM admin mattes
11) Handle student's case (XXH)
12) Eagles Awards
13) Update CIP hours for student leaders
14) Student Leadership Programme 2007
15 ) Any other matters that I've left out.......

The race

I've just discussed the Maths results with the Curriculum Consultant (CC). Apparently, the rest of the students who took the same paper did pretty well so moderation may not happen at all (because moderation should be applied to the entire cohort).

As we discussed and looked through the results, we tried to see if there was any student whom we could help. There were only about two. As for the rest, the CC's reaction was one of shock and concern.

I KNOW the maths results will affect their overall N level results. As it is, these results, when converted to their N level grades, will not be helpful for many of them. Quite a handful for a grade 4. Which means that they will have to work really hard for their other subjects in order to select the best 3 to make an overall of 10 points or below. They can't count on their Maths anymore.

I've tried warning the class about it before - about how important these results will be. Perhaps many of them feel that it is all ok because they stand to gain if they use their O level prelim results (The least they would get is an N level grade 4, which is still a pass grade). I don't know...

The worst thing is, I felt really lousy as I was talking to the CC. She expressed her concerns over their terrible results and I felt like every comment was a punch in my stomach. I feel like I have not done my part as a teacher. I feel like I should have done more to help my students do better for these prelim exams. Then again, what more can I do? I've done SO MUCH! In my limited time, amidst all the other responsibilities and duties that I have, I feel that I have done alot on my part to help them, as a class and individually.

Sadly, I still feel like I am to be blamed.

I looked through the scripts again to make sure that I can award marks wherever I could. To ensure that I have not left anything out. To help them as far as I can. I've looked through these scripts about 3 times so far. Just to see if I could help them by being a little less strict, by awarding method marks whereever I could.... but it's really tough because of the nature of the scripts. Their answers are not fluent and methods are not clear enough for any marks to be awarded.

I've done my part in trying to help them by changing the level of strictness of marking.

Sigh... I feel lousy. Really lousy. I feel like I'm not fit to be a teacher. I've failed to instil self-discipline in them. I've caused some of them to be too reliant on my help in order to get their work done. I've not bee strict and stern enough on some of them. I've allowed some of them to slack too much. I should have monitored like a hawk. Called parents whenever I can.

I feel lousy because others are going to see the results and point their fingers at me. I'm going to be questioned. The principal is going to be so shocked.

I can imagine all the comments that will be made ....

"These people do not have their 'N' level maths to fall back on?"...

"Oh dear, we have done a great disservice to them. They ought to have registered for 'N' level maths if their results for the O level prelims are going to be like that"...

"Were they told of the consequences?"

"We should be prepared if parents call to question what we have done"

Sigh...

Tell me....have I done enough for 4N1? Or have I not? Why don't they heed advice? Why don't they do their work? Why can't they be serious about their work? Why don't they take all the practice that I give to them seriously? Why don't they listen in class? Why don't they ask when they don't know? Why can't they be hardworking? Why can't they study hard? Why don't they try to put their shoes into mine and see it from my perspective? Why don't they understand? Why don't they work?!?!

Sigh....I feel like I've failed.

I thought of seeing them through to Sec 5, then I consider resigning or taking my sabatical leave.

Now, I'm not sure if I have it in me to see them through the 'O' levels. Do I have what it takes? If so, do I have the stamina to handle them?

Maybe a more consumate teacher would help them fare better. Maybe that teacher isn't me.

I've tried. I've tried to be understanding, to listen, to help, to get to know them individually, to open my teacher-heart to them and to love them like they're my own younger cousins or my own children.

At the end of the day.....what is it all for if I can't produce results from them? Results. That's what they're here in school to get. Good results to take them to the next level of their education.

Can I help them acheive their results? I've tried for almost 2 years.... the results don't show it. All my effort has gone down the drain...all the time I spent with them as a class, in group remedials, helping them individually, over the phone, after school, even over MSN... sigh...

I need energy. I need to see that they're still willing to run that last mile with me. I have my running shose ready. But I need to know that they're ready to run too. I need to know that they've worked their own muscles well enough to be ready for this last sprint....I need to know that they've done their warm-ups...

4N1, are you ready for the race, or are you not? Because in life, no one will slow down for you...the rat race has begun.

Lifeline, please.

The truth is, I feel very misunderstood. Maybe it's not good to talk about such issues because the message gets misinterpreted.

The truth is, I don't know how to help my class anymore. "Huey, there's only so much that you can do"... this advice has come from so many others. It's finally beginning to sink into me now.

I've learnt a few important things today :

1. I can't be a superwoman.

2. If their parents cannot control them, what makes me think that I can?

3. Even if I was able to inspire others before, it doesn't mean that it works with every student.

4. I must learn to alter my expectations so that I can protect myself from the pain and frustrations when my expectations are not realised.

5. Sometimes, they need to go through it to know it. No amount of advice, warning or scolding can prevent it.

Sigh.... A and H was simply having a good time chit chatting during the paper today. I had my exam papers to grade. I ignored them. I noticed how G was taking the paper rather seriously and I told myself to be glad that at least a small handful still bother. I really should look at those who bother and be happy, rather than look at those who can't be bothered and be angry. Doesn't make it any easier when the other teachers don't reinforce the importance of the prep exam to the kids.

Someone help me to see the light!!!! Please?

I shared my frustrations with J today and I was misunderstood. Perhaps in a fit of anger I was not very sensitive with my choice of words, but it was certainly not an attack on J. Nevertheless, it was misunderstood and taken rather badly. What can I do? I don't think the main crux of my worries and frustrations were properly communicated and understood. Perhaps I should never speak to anyone when I'm angry or frustrated.

I'm trying hard not to worry about them. Something tells me that they can't wait to be on their study leave next week. Something tells me that those 4 days will be packed with more slack and fun than with study and exercises. Well, it is beyond my control and I won't be able to know if they really studied or did they go out to play, sun tan, shop, celebrate birthdays, have BBQs, maple, sleep, watch tv, chat online, play pool, have late nights out, etc...

Oh god... why do I worry so much? Why do I even bother??

I took the attendance for the prep exam paper today. Honestly, the issue must be raised. The poor attendance and attitude should be reported. Honestly, I am tired of doing all this. Other teachers don't bother. At the end of the day, students think that they can get away with it all because their misbehaviour slips through out fingers. Should I raise the issue to their Dean? Will it make any sense? Will it work? Will it change them? Aren't I just adding on more trouble to the Dean? Creating problems for myself to handle? Having heartache and anger for nothing? Is it meaningful at all? Should I submit the attendance and let the Dean handle it? (I'm SO GLAD I'm not the Dean anymore because I will simply DIE) Why should I bother so much when the subject teacher did not even raise the issue? If I don't report this, what kind of message are we sending out to those offenders? That it's ok to skip classes? That you're going to sit for your major exams and we don't dare to scold you because we're afraid that we'll affect your mood, mindset and preparation? That all graduating students are given so much leeway?

I have to stop thinking so much.... sigh...

Throw me a lifeline, anyone.

I'm dying with all the marking. I have reports to type for the school magazine and I'm putting them on hold as far as I can. I woke up today with a splitting headache but I still dragged myself to school because I have lessons that I cannot afford to miss. Panadol extra with coffee is a saviour.

I need a break.

I'm not having a good time. No I'm not.

I can't help but feel that I'm either being taken for granted or being ignored. I do not think that my efforts with them are noticed.

To my form class : Study. Please.

OH CHRIST. I just got a phonecall. The class photo vendor is here and they want to collect the payment and orders for the class photos. I just told my class chairperson to chase after the rest for the money and to give them to me tomorrow. So now, I can fork out the additional money first but I don't have the order form with me. What the hell. What do I do?? I got to stop writing now and pop over next door to apologise. WHY AM I THE ONE DOING ALL THE DAMN ADMIN FOR THIS CLASS !?!?!?!?!

No one appreciates what I do. That's how I feel.

Work

1) Staff ranking and appraisal
2) O level E Maths Prelim Paper 2 marking
3) EL CA2 Marking (Composition)
4) EL CA2 Marking (Grammar Test)
5) EL CA2 Marking (Reading Test)
6) OBS Sabah admin matters
7) EL SA2 3NA Paper 2 Marking
8) Keying in of all marks for all CA and SA
9) O level E Maths preparation for 4N1 (sigh... not sure if they actually bother)
10) SEM admin mattes
11) Handle student's case (XXH)
12) Eagles Awards
13) Update CIP hours for student leaders
14) Student Leadership Programme 2007
15 ) Any other matters that I've left out.......

I feel so strangled.

I'm the only one...

Argh! I don't think I should read their blogs anymore. Reading their blogs make me realise that they DON'T STUDY!

How can they blog about wanting good results for their N levels, and yet spend the entire day/night out having fun? I'm telling you, I'm baffled.

Hard work = good results. Doesn't take a genuis to know this.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (Or something like that) One of Newton's laws. Don't study hard enough? Then don't expect to pass or to even do well!

I'm tired of being possibly the only one who CARES about their results.

Funny thing is, they think they've studied hard enough. They think that whatever they have studied for their prelims is good enough (Oh nevermind the bad results, I studied ok) They think that whatever effort they are putting in right now, being the fact that it is more than whatever effort they've ever put into their studies in their entire life, is enough.

I'm sorry. You're sadly mistaken.

When are you going to start revising for your exams? Can't you postpone the fun till after that? Just a few more weeks to go, you know?

Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with having a good balance. All work and no play is not the solution at all. But mind you.... it's having a good balance. Honestly... you touch your heart and you answer this question to yourself. Not to me. To yourself. Are you balancing your work and play? Sure you're playing hard enough. Are you studying hard enough?

Sigh... fellas, I'm on the verge of giving up trying to get you all to understand.

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES?!

Late night corny poem

My life is sad
My student's writing is bad
The only reason why I'm glad
Is because I have not gone mad
(yet)

Guilty

Darn....I hate to feel guilty about stuff and my mum just made me feel immensely guilty.

You see, she'll buy stuff like ling zhi, royal jelly, vitamin C and etc for me to eat. She even goes to all that trouble to get them in tablet form so all I need to do is to swallow them every morning. She even put it on my table and she has even ever left a glass of water on my table for me so that I can just swallow the damn tablets in the morning. (talk about spoon feeding...*feel bad*)

She just came into my room. Took the bottle of royal jelly tablets and realised that they have expired. It's still almost full. I was hoping she wouldn't start the nagging again about me eating the tablets, not taking care of my health, the stuff is good for me, I don't have enough sleep or rest so I must take care of myself, yadda yadda yadda..... She didn't quite nag this time. She just complained.

"See lah, expire already. Ask you to eat you just won't eat." *shakes head*

"....." *stare at computer, pretending not to hear*

"You ah, very bad habit you know! Buy for you and waste money."

"It's not a bad habit...it's actually difficult to start the habit of eating it everyday..."

"You have the bad habit of NOT eating it. That's all" *sighs*

Then she capped the bottle and threw it into the bin.

Oh my goodness. I really feel guilty. As much as I know that I really need to START the habit, it's really hard! I know mum means well. It's her way of taking care of me. I'm not doing much justice to her efforts by not eating those stuff. It's not even because I don't like to eat them. I actually don't mind eating them...I guess I'm just ....lazy.

When I was little, my mum would make bird's nest once in awhile for us. She'd use the slow cooker to boil the bird's nest. Apparently, bird's nest is best absorbed into the body when you have an empty stomach and when its early in the morning (like pre-dawn). So she would wake us up at 4am in the morning and as we sat on our beds groggily, she'd spoon the bird's nest and feed us. We'll just drink everything up sleepily and go back to bed.

My mum also makes the best herbal soups.

I really don't feel good about this. The bottle of royal jelly pills sitting in my waste paper basket here just makes me feel so guilty. Argh!

Sorry ma.... :-S

Friendship

esnKaren is 10 weeks pregnant! She's due in Feb07 and she'll be migrating to Aussie in mid-07 too. Lots of paperwork to get the migration done, she was telling me.

Karen and I have come a long way since we were in Sec 2. We were in the same class that year (Sec 2C) and we were kinda like the class jokers. She's a really funny person. We'd crack so many silly jokes in class and be absolutely lame and have so much fun!

Our friendship has lasted till today, even after being separated when I went to Sec 3-Science-2 and she went to Sec 3-Arts-1. We've never quite been in the same class or even school after that. She went to Nanyang JC and I went to AC. After Nanyang JC, she flew to Queensland to complete her degree and I did mine at NUS.

In those days, we did not have emails and handphones. Not even pagers (My first pager was when I was in year 2 or 3 in NUS) Karen and I kept in contact through SNAIL MAIL. We'd write long long letters to each other. When we were in college, she'd write to tell me all about the guy that she liked in school and etc. We didn't really talk on the phone much (only when it was like a crisis and she or I really needed advice fast) We maintained our letters all the way till she was in Queensland.

Once we started work, things slowed done alot. Handphones became and norm and we message each other to keep in touch now.

Some time back, when I was down and out and single, she called me up one day and said "Eh girl, let's go. We'll go out and have a good time." So we went to Liquid Room and had some wine. Chatted the whole night about everything. She updated about her broken relationship with some jerk and we shared about how we've crawled out of our misery and our exs were such jerks and how we were so blind to have spent that part of our lives with such jerks. We talked about our hopes and dreams, our aspirations, our families, our friends, etc. We had a good time.

Karen inspires me. She quit her advertising and marketing job to become a full-time yoga instructor. She even opened her own yoga school.

My good friend is going to have a baby. She's going to be in Australia from next year. I'm sure we'll be in touch....be it through email or snail mail.

This sucks!

I'm totally chised off at work.

We had SMC meeting today and right towards the end of the meeting, the bomb was dropped.

"Ok look at this list here and take out your diaries. This is just tentative and you have to let us know if you're not available for any these dates"

And she flashes a list of dates for meetings and work activities that takes us through to 31 Dec 2006. We look at all the meetings and staff ranking and SEM discussions and strategic planning discussions and etc that will be coming our way.

My first thought was : So where's the time for teaching?

Then another bomb was dropped.

"We are trying to release all SMC members by 28 Nov so that you can go for a longer break. But the tentative date of release of the N level results are on 15 Dec so we all have to be back by that. Remember, this is your only holiday until Dec 2007. For March holidays next year, we will not have any holiday as we have the EV team to evaluate our school in that week. And we're moving in June so you can forget about holidays in June as well."

WTF?!?!

Count. 29 Nov - 14 Dec. 16 days. Only. I only have these 16 days to rest. To take a short trip. Put my feet up. And its not like you will immediately put your feet up from Day 1. I foresee that there will be things I need to do in school even in those 16 days. Prepare for 2007? Plans for student leadership for 2007? When am I going to have time to do all that?

This is crazy. It's so shitty!!!

It's not like I'm not enthusastic about work. I do find the new things coming up very interesting and very challenging. Lots to learn and to do. I am interested in it all. But the notion of not having much of a break from work at all really really puts me off.

I feel like a puppet. My time is not within my control. My schedule is subject to change, even at the last minute. People just come in and take away my time so conveniently. And it's not like I can say no. These are official meetings. I'm already thinking of using Saturdays to complete my work. My marking is so behind time. My students' exams are coming and I haven't officially started intensive revision for them yet. My band needs activities and I want so much to do things for the band too. All these are put on hold because....what do I have? That's right! Meetings.

Sigh....

After today's meeting, I was so moody. I feel like a puppet. I like doing the things I have to do but the thought of not having any break at all....just.... sigh.... sucks.

Suddenly, I feel so tired.

I have a work review session with the VP this Friday. I need to complete the work review document before I see her and pass her my record book as well. I'm in such deep shit. I've already chosen the very last slot to see her and still I do not have time to do these 2 items for her. I'm so screwed. I think I won't be able to sleep tonight. Got to do the work review and stuff. Can't use tomorrow because there are other things to do in school.

I've been so busy doing little things here and there. Little because these items do not really contribute to the big picture that I want the school to have as a leadership structure. I jsut haven't had the time to sit and put my thoughts into pen and paper. My thoughts about the leadership structure. Oh yes, I've thought about them. They're all in my head. *point* I just haven't had the time to WRITE them out.

Things are feeling a little hot at my ass. I hope I'm not going to get my ass burnt. *look*

HOW?!?!?

It hurts.

I've never had to face something like that before in my life.

5 students from my class got themselves into trouble on Saturday. After they served their community service selling flags, they decided to take a free-ride home on a taxi. Only that the taxi driver was not aware that the ride was going to be for free.

They did it. They stopped the taxi where they wanted to and they ran off from the taxi in different directions so that the poor driver had no way to give chase to any of them. That's it. Scam, they call it.

I was horrified when I found out. Dumbfounded. Shocked. Disappointed. Hurt. Angry. Sad. Disgusted.

How could you??? Whatever happened to integrity and honesty? Doing something like that is equivalent to robbing the poor taxi driver. Do you know that his meter readings are all computerized and recorded by the company and they track how much he earns? That's how they are able to tell if the taxi drivers are for real when they are unable to pay up their daily rental. During my dad's time as a taxi driver in the 1980's-1990's, a taxi driver's daily rental for his cab was about $80.00 PER DAY. This means he had to make $80 per day to cover the cost of renting the cab, before he begins hs real earnings after the costs are covered. This is only the cost of the cab. What about the diesel?? Diesel may be cheaper than petrol but do you realise that the taxi's are on the road all the time so their diesel runs out fast and they need to top up every day?? (sometimes even more than once a day) How often do your fathers top of the petrol in their cars? Once a week? If the rental cost of a taxi was $80 in the 1980's, how much do you think it is today? It's year 2006. You think it's cheaper?

Do you have any idea how hard a taxi driver has to work? He's on the road the whole day. Rain or shine. If he needs the toilet, he has to park his car at the petrol kiosk to use the dirty ones they have there. Or he needs to park his taxi near some coffee shop to use the toilets there. Parking either means tearing coupons for parking time, or illegal 5-min parking of the taxi which puts him in danger of risking a $30-$70 fine for a mere pee. How stressful is that?? A taxi driver has to have enough sleep everyday in order to be alert on the roads. He can only drive for a certain amount of time. He cannot drive his cab for more than 12hours as it would be dangerous. So within that short few hours, he has to make money to put bread on the table for his family.

In that brief 20min-30min ride, he could have made a few dollars from you, to cover rental cost for the day, or to give to his children as pocket money for the week.

A brief moment of fun for you.... 20min of wasted time, diesel and earnings for him.

How could you??

I feel this even more as my own father was a taxi driver. Mum always told us how hard he works just to pay for our piano lessons and swimming lessons. If something like that happened to my dad, I'd be cursing and swearing at those inconsiderate culprits.

****************************

Suddenly as I am typing all this out, I begin to feel like I'm wasting my own time, energy on it. I've said what I want to say. I wish I could put this behind me. But somehow it comes back to haunt me when I think I've managed to push it away. It's just.....disturbing...

I really dread having to deal with this issue in school. It's so hard. I want to run away from it and pretend I never knew about it. I truly dread it. Because it hurts.

Stuck on you!

It's a crazy day. I shall not blog too much about it right now because there's too much going through my head now and I need to have dinner (porridge) with my mum in a short while.

You're also so busy at work and your working hours have changed too. I know you're working hard and it's not easy to balance work, studying, trying to make sales and having unfinished assignments at the back of your mind...all a the same time!

Everytime you message to tell me about the sales for the day, I just feel like giving you a big hug. I know you're working hard and it's really not easy. I believe in you and I know things will get better, ok? I get affected by how you feel at work too...when you're happy, I'm so happy. When you're dejected and demoralised, I feel it too and I wish I could help but I know nuts about sales and I'm not so sure if I'm in the right position to offer any advice....

I'll help make things easier by not being a parasitic girlfriend, ok? I do understand that we can't spend as much time as we would like to together. It's ok. 2 months or whatever, I do understand ok? I want you to know that I do not want to become one of your worries.... I mean...of course I want you to be concerned about our relationship and worry lah...but not as in you worry about me till it adds to your stress ok?

You asked me to bear with you....I also need you to bear with me...cos I'm also busy at work...this anniversary dinner that I'm in charge of is no joke and I'm going to be so pressed by it. The pressure is building up and the time is getting lesser. I almost snapped at a few colleagues today just because I was stressed and grumpy. 3rd June...my release...

I also have a dinner this Saturday night. It's some People's Association dinner at Suntec City Convention Hall and I think it will end at about 10:30 or so...have to go but its not by choice. The arrow shot over and got me....perhaps we could meet up after that for drinks, movie or coffee after that dinner? Provided you have energy after your dragon boat training in the noon, of course...

Speaking of dragon boat training....I'm so happy for you....and for me too... cos I get to touch and admire those biceps that I absolutely, bimbotically adore....*Oooo*....hehe

I love you...and we'll stick through this together, ok?

Wasted my money.

Nobody noticed my "liquid chocolate" hair.

Darn.

Feeding

We brought the kids to Farm Mart and Qian Hu today. It was fun telling them about the animals and showing them around.

I bought a dollar's worth of vegetables for them to feed the 3 mountain goats at Farm Mart. Rachel got kinda frightened disinterested after a while and requested to feed the rabbits instead. So I bought a little bag of baby corn and carrots for her to feed them. There were guinea pigs too! We had fun.

I must say....I think these poor animals deserve better. They live in stinky cages that are poorly maintained. It was sad to see how much they clamoured for the food and how far they would stick their noses through the cage to get to the food.

We discovered that Julian likes fish! He was totally fascinated by the fishes and would spend time ooh-ing and ah-ing at each fish tank.

We stopped for ice-cream and crackers at Qian Hu before heading back home.

Then I met M at West Mall to discuss camp stuff.

Then I met him at West Mall for dinner.

Ok. Got to go shower. Lots of stuff to do tonight.

Killer Week, Here I Come!!

Brandon

We were the closest.

19 May 2004, Phoenix time.
20 May 2004, Singapore time.

I miss you.

Cousins

Cousins

This picture was taken on 29 Dec 2002 at grandma's house. Han had bought dinner for everyone and it was cos he was going to be away (again) for a long time. We had driven out to many different places to get dinner. We bought curry, chicken rice, golden pillow, etc. There was also wine!

Then I insisted we gathered for a cousins-photo. Afterall, it was really rare to get all 8 of us around. The 8 have expanded to include Eddie and Jimmy...and also the 2 babies Rachel and Julian.

The 8 of us grew up together. Our favourite play places would have to be great-grandma's old house at St Gregory's road (behind City Hall) and the bungalow at Pasir Ris that my aunt would rent every holiday without fail.

We would be the first kids at Pasir Ris Park in the morning. We made it a point to wake up early so we could hit the playground early. Be the first to be on the slide, cut through the maze, get on the flying fox... I close my eyes now and I can still feel the park in the morning..the cool morning air, the occasional sqwuak of birds... and we'd run down the slope all the way to the playground.

We explored every bit of Pasir Ris park. Bicycle rental was a luxury that we did not always have. The rental kiosk was all the way over at the other end of the park. We'd walk through the whole park just to get our bikes. Then we'd cycle up and down the whole park, making stopovers back at the bungalow for drinks.

Once, we went on a coconut harvest spree. We searched for coconut trees that were short enough for us to reach the fruit. We plucked the fruit and smashed it against some rocks. Then the coconut juice would flow out like a tap and we'd take turns to drink. Then we threw the husks into the sea. It was PURE FUN.

We took photos too. There are a set of photos of the 8 of us playing at the park.

You're such a big part of my childhood. You're a bigger part of my growing years...how did we end up being the closest? I'm not sure...but somehow, you and I understood each other the best. I was able to show you my darker side and you never judged me. You shared bgr stuff with me and even asked me for my opinions on the gals you dated. I never judged you too. We even went clubbing at SOS together, remember?

Gosh....I miss you.

Liquid Chocolate

"Don't bother coming. They're closing at 12:15"

I call her up immediately.

"Isn't there CDAC tuition today? Why 12:15? Are you sure?"

"Ok hang on, I'll find out."

Ten minutes later she calls back and tells me its confirmed. I rush through my coffee and head to school.

I pack up the mess on my table. Throw away old and outdated stuff and delivered some items to other colleagues. I'm ready. It only took me 20 minutes.

I just had to make sure things were clear for the upcoming week.

Term 2 Week 10. Here I come!

Oh...by the way, I've got my hair highlighted. I asked for chocolate colour. It's not so obvious, which is good because I don't want to handle any snide remarks or questions at work.

Chocolate coloured hair. Yum!

Bitch.

Of friendships made and pleasures shared, and lessons learnt apace.

Karen got married today.

It was like a mini MG-reunion at her wedding! I met old friends Sharon, Lulu, Meifang, Belinda and Juli. we were all from different classes. Belinda, Sharon, Meifang, Juli and Karen were from Arts1. Lulu was from Arts2 and I was from Science2. Despite that, we all recognized each other and the moment we met, we were like "Oh my God, (name)!!!!" Lulu and I wre trying the recall the last time we saw each other. We both realised (to our disbelief) that its been Fifteen years!! Wow....we haven changed abit. :-)

And even Mrs Moses Yu attended the wedding! We were so happy to see Mrs Yu. Mrs Yu never taught me at MG but somehow, the community was so small back then and everyone knew everyone, ever girl knew every teacher too. Mrs Yu was the form teacher of Arts1. She taught my sister and I think she even taught my mum! She's still bright and cheery. Over lunch, you can see all of us girls fussing over her, helping her get her food, eating with her, chatting and etc. No we were not boot-licking or whatever....Mrs Yu has luekemia and she walks with a stick really slowly. So were were just doing what we've been taught at school.

To master, to grow and to serve. (MGS Motto)

It was really fun meeting up with old friends. We may not have been really close back then, but somehow the connection is still there when we sit and talk about the good ol' days.

Lulu can speak fluent Japanese! She's working in Tokyo now and she has been out of Singapore for the past 11 years. She first went to the States to study after her A levels at Nanyang JC. Then she worked in LA and in San Francisco. Then she quit her job and went to Japan to work and to do her MBA there. I was like totally in awe when I heard her conversing in fluent Jap with one of Karen's Japanese friends.

Meifang's a journalist for an insurance magazine and Sharon's in her dad's business selling steel. Belinda is an event manager and the boss of her own little 2-man company. She does belly dancing too (how cool is that!) Karen's a yoga teacher. I just realised we did not ask Juli what she is doing now. Perhaps the rest already know?

Then we asked each other the typical question. "So, when's your turn?". My response, "not yet...no hurry at all and no neccessity. " Hers was "God hasn't provided me with one yet". Hmmm... okie.... Meifang isn't married either and she doesn't intend to yet (not sure why though, I did not probe). Sharon gave a firm shake of her head when asked too.

So there you have it. A handful of 31-year olds all with very different careers and all leading their own lives the way they want to (or at least, I think so). We're so diversed in our paths and we've gone all over the world (we talked about where so-and-so was now, in which country, married to husband from where, etc etc).

Some of my friends have gotten married to Caucasians more than 15 years their senior. In fact, I think Karen's husband (as I heard from the gals) is in his mid-40s. He's Canadian, by the way.

It's amazing how Mrs Yu can talk about her condition in such a candid manner. She talks about it like she just had a small cut on her finger. She can still laugh and joke with us. Her husband was with her at the reception too.

We even bitched about Ms K!! Now that we're all grown up, Mrs Yu let us in a little on how she also disliked Ms K. I related my experience of being rejected by Ms K when I applied to go back to teach at MG back in 1998. Her snorty replies put me off so much that I kind of made my mind not to go back there.

It was really really heartwarming to meet up with them again. Maybe I'm sentimental but its like we have this sisterhood bond that I could almost feel when we worked to put the lunch reception together with the caterer. We've exchanged contacts and said we'd meet up again. Lulu's flying back to Japan this Wednesday.

Oh man, I'm inspired to learn Japanese. It seems easy enough! She picked it up in 2 years without classes. She just picked it all up off the streets. Cool huh?

Being with friends from other walks of life also made me realise i'm so un-globalised (can't find the right word.) I mean, I'm so trapped in the little school in the West, entwined into the little micro-happenings going around the school, when on the larger scale, people my age are seeing the world, travelling, learning new languages, experiencing independent living overseas, discussing the price difference of LV in Japan and in Paris.(!)

I feel like a kampong girl.

I need to give myself time and space. Do I really see myself staying as a teacher in a tiny neighbourhood school for the next 30 years? For all the nobel nature of the job and the many lives that I can touch as the students pass under my hands, are there greater and more exciting things that are in store that I can explore? Do I dare to take that leap?

The thinking has begun.

Love me the way I want to be loved.

The Five Love Languages
Your primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results
Physical Touch : 11
Quality Time : 7
Words of Affirmation : 5
Acts of Service : 4
Receiving Gifts : 3

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Dr. Chapman's love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Take the test

This was the test I took sometime in March, which left me in tears in front of the computer because I felt so alone in our relationship at that time.

It's the people around you. You've got yourself a new job and you're one of the oldest guys around at the office and everyone else is mostly still in their early 20's, single, confused (perhaps), still out to impress the world, out to tell the world who they think they are.

No one there talks about getting married. But everyone else at home does. Even you tell yourself that you need to tie the knot soon.

You've put yourself under so much pressure and you did not share it with me. We've always been able to talk about anything at all, haven't we? I guess we drifted apart so it made it hard to share. You thought I was super keen on getting hitched. I was wondering why the hell you're pushing for it to be so soon. Though inside me, I was happy that I had gotten a rare catch of the male species...one that actually wants to settle down. But on the whole, I wasn't exactly keen yet and was actually afraid that you were going to pop the question soon.

So now everything is hey-ok between us. We've got it all sorted out (well, kind of) and we're both ok about things. I could say that we're back on track. And that's good.

I've got quite abit of things to adapt to, with the changes that are happening around us.

I'm not totally comfortable with the fact that you see beautiful people everyday at work. Pretty girls with slender bodies that are proportionate in every way. It makes me insecure but it's not something that I can do anything about. Perhaps if would work if you stop trying to tell me what's trendy these days like I'm some middle-aged woman from the west who dresses so badly. I mean, its ok to tell me what's the latest stuff but leave it to me to decide if I want to pick them up. Already it doesn't help that i'm not tall, slim and pretty.

Yeah, these are my insecurities. I've got to live with them. I know. But it's just not so helpful that I don't feel appreciated for the things that I feel confident about, or for whatever effort I try to put in.

Man....so much more to say but I'm really sleepy now. Have a wedding tomorrow morning.

Lost

For months, I've tried to blog my thoughts and feelings. But every single time, I delete everything away instead.

I'm shivering inside.

Just you and me

Darling was so sweet today. I wanted to take him to Kent Ridge Park to show him the canopy walk and he had NO complains about it. I was kind of surprised actually 'cos normally he would say things like "must go ah" or "some other day lah baby". Anyway, we had a pretty good time talking and walking at the park and the canopy walk turned out to be quite good didn't it dear?

We went to Harbour Front to look for my birthday gift. I wanted something practical this year. Just a simple practical gift. I wanted a pillow for the chair at my office. Something good for my back. And of course, it has to be cute and it has to be pink (I know i'm no longer young...but...what the heck, I like pink, ok?) In the end, I picked a pink Hello Kitty pillow. Fell in love with it at first sight. This shall be the pillow that makes me happy when I see it after I return from horrible classes for the day. It shall be the pillow that I rest by tired back on everyday. It's also the pillow that I'll use during camps in school. It's THE pillow.

And guess what the cover's machine-washable!

Dinner was settled at Pasta Mania and I ate so much I could burst.

All in all, I had a lovely time today dear. Thanks for spending today with me....

Smiles

Hey....things seem to be just fine! Whoopee!!

So many things

I'll be having my first driving test this Wednesday!

Had driving lesson this morning. I must have been out of my mind when I booked for these lessons because they force me to wake up at unearthly hours on weekends. Anyway, it doesn't seem so bad now cos I get to do alot of stuff at home in the morning. The only thing was, I wasn't about to spend time with him the past few nights cos of my driving lesson. Sorry baby...

I had a strange dream last night. You know how I always dream about war and people dying right, this dream last night was about me being in Cambodia. Or at least I thought it was in Cambodia. I was caught in the middle of cross-fire between soldiers and civilians and people around me were either dying, getting shot or running away. In my dream, I was with people who were my family but I have never seen them before. We were running away and I lost them in the midst of all the confusion. Somehow, there was this neighbour, a middle-aged lady, who was with me and we managed to escape into a train station. We were about to board the train succesfully when I suddenly told her that I couldn't go. I had to find my family. I said sorry to her and watched her board the train (which was packed with people, some injured). Then I ran out and started back-tracking the route which I had taken to the train station. There were men in uniform. Countless of them. All with guns and all positioned to fire. I took cuts into smaller roads to escape the cross-fire.

I heard gun-shots. People screaming in pain. Men shouting at each other to get out of the way. It was dark. I was running and the place didn't look familiar anymore. The fear of losing my family and finding them dead brought tears to my eyes as I ran. I arrived at our town (more like a village) and I was frantically calling out to them. I searched.

Then the alarm bell rang and I woke up.

This dream haunts me. Well, I can remember almost every one of my "war" dreams. This one is haunting because I did not recognise a single person in the dream and yet they were supposed to be my family. Do dreams open the door to our past? Why do I always dream of war times?

Anyway, dreams aside, I'm going to have my breakfast now, and then I'll set some exam papers. When Julian and Rachel arrive, I'll spend some time playing with them, then we'll be cutting my birthday cake. Mum baked me a cake yesterday. How sweet right? Feels a little odd to be in your thirties and still have your mother so excited about your birthday. *chuckle*(She was almost going to invite my grandma and aunties over as part of the celebrations!)

I'd like the spend the rest of the day with him. We haven't been spending much time with each other. I think alot of it has to do with our work. I'm busy and his previous job's working hours are erratic. We have changes to adjust to now that he has found a new job with more stable working hours. Sometimes, despite our busy-ness, I think all it takes is some effort on each of our part to spend time with each other. This year is a bad one for me at work. It drains my energy so much that at the end of the day, all I want to do is to have a good shower and then put my feet up. But I end up having a good shower and then continuing work on the computer. It becomes almost impossible not to have to work at home at all. I don't know.

Our relationship has hit a stability level where things are just so ordinary and routine that ...well.... we've forgotten to touch base with each other, I think. We're so confident that we're good at looking after ourselves that we've forgotten that we need to look after each other too. You know, pamper a little, show things more outwardly.... concern, love, tenderness, etc.

Maybe I'm going around in circles here... I don't know. I'm so afraid to rock the stability for fear that we can't achieve this balance after that. Or... is there even a need to rock anything? Aren't things just fine now?

How?

I'm not so sure anymore.

Where am I really headed?

I miss you.

Girlish dreams

When I was a little girl with short hair, I used to wrap my head up with the towel after I showered....and I'd pretend that the towel was my hair and tried to figure out how it felt to have something running down my back the way the towel brushed against my back. I'd look into the mirror and try to imagine that I had long long hair.

Hehe!

Empty house

I came home to an empty house.

Normally, Hamham would be around to greet me when I came home.

I came into my room and immediately felt the void. The empty space left behind by him. I put all my things down and started crying. I miss him so much. I started to think of all the times when I would play with him, the times he ran all over my bed, the times he licked my fingers, how soft his fur was and how much I loved to kiss him and cuddle him close to me. He and I had a real close bond between us. Now that he's gone, I really feel very sad. I'm surprised that I am still crying after 2 days. I did not cry for Mimi and Wenwen so much when they left. I was really sad but the tears did not fall after a few days.

I really miss my Hamham-boy.

I miss hamham

Hamham's gone to the rainbow bridge to join Mimi and Wenwen. He passed away yesterday, sometime in the afternoon. No one was home when he left, so quietly. I hope he went peacefully without any pain.

It pained me so much to see him in such suffering. He was staggering around in the cage and seemed to be dragging his hind legs around as he walked. Despite his illness, he still made weak attempts to bite me when I tried to carry him. I fed him his medication yesterday morning and also fed him his mixture of Nestum and honey. After he ate, he fell asleep in my hands, all wrapped up in the blue towel. I just let him sleep and sat there looking at him, cradling him in my hands. I was almost confident that he would survive cos he seemed to be better than he was 2 weeks ago.

I couldn't contain my tears when I came home. Mudder and Bro were sensitive enough to leave me alone to look at him and to just be in my room by myself. I locked the door, sat next to Ham and cried my eyes out. I did not move him at all. I just stroked his fur and told him how much I love him. I kept calling him. *heart break*

When I lifted him out of the cage to hold him in my hands, I saw some blood on the tissue paper. He had bled a little from his nose. When I saw that, I started crying all over again. My poor little hammie bled just before he died...he must have been in such pain, such breathing difficulty.

We buried him at the nature park, near where Mimi, Wenwen and Chips have been buried. I wrapped him in a small yellow towel, put lots of food for him and I also put in a little card that I wrote for him. Here's what I wrote in the card :

Dear Hamham
I’m sorry I wasn’t with you when you left for the rainbow bridge. I hope you weren’t in any pain. I hope you know I tried my best to make you as comfortable as possible during this time. I want you to know that I love you very very much. Think of me sometimes when you’re at the bridge ok? I’m going to miss you so much. I love you hamham. I always will.
With love and kisses
Your mummy

Sigh....just reading that again brings tears to my eyes.

I cleared some of the hamster food in the shelf. As I was doing so, I was bending down and I was quite close to Ham's cage. Suddenly I remember how it was like in the past when he would scurry around the cage and nearest to where I was and just stay there as if he was observing everything that I was doing. I would talk to him, ask him about his day, tell him about mine and all that. Then I sat in front of the empty cage....memories and images of him running around in the cage, biting his favourite part of the bars, coming to the door of the cage when I call his name, climbing out eagerly whenever I open the cage door, exploring and sniffing at everything, etc etc etc.......

Oh boy....I miss him SO MUCH. Three years of companionship and cuddly fun-times don't just get forgotten in one night.