So many things

I'll be having my first driving test this Wednesday!

Had driving lesson this morning. I must have been out of my mind when I booked for these lessons because they force me to wake up at unearthly hours on weekends. Anyway, it doesn't seem so bad now cos I get to do alot of stuff at home in the morning. The only thing was, I wasn't about to spend time with him the past few nights cos of my driving lesson. Sorry baby...

I had a strange dream last night. You know how I always dream about war and people dying right, this dream last night was about me being in Cambodia. Or at least I thought it was in Cambodia. I was caught in the middle of cross-fire between soldiers and civilians and people around me were either dying, getting shot or running away. In my dream, I was with people who were my family but I have never seen them before. We were running away and I lost them in the midst of all the confusion. Somehow, there was this neighbour, a middle-aged lady, who was with me and we managed to escape into a train station. We were about to board the train succesfully when I suddenly told her that I couldn't go. I had to find my family. I said sorry to her and watched her board the train (which was packed with people, some injured). Then I ran out and started back-tracking the route which I had taken to the train station. There were men in uniform. Countless of them. All with guns and all positioned to fire. I took cuts into smaller roads to escape the cross-fire.

I heard gun-shots. People screaming in pain. Men shouting at each other to get out of the way. It was dark. I was running and the place didn't look familiar anymore. The fear of losing my family and finding them dead brought tears to my eyes as I ran. I arrived at our town (more like a village) and I was frantically calling out to them. I searched.

Then the alarm bell rang and I woke up.

This dream haunts me. Well, I can remember almost every one of my "war" dreams. This one is haunting because I did not recognise a single person in the dream and yet they were supposed to be my family. Do dreams open the door to our past? Why do I always dream of war times?

Anyway, dreams aside, I'm going to have my breakfast now, and then I'll set some exam papers. When Julian and Rachel arrive, I'll spend some time playing with them, then we'll be cutting my birthday cake. Mum baked me a cake yesterday. How sweet right? Feels a little odd to be in your thirties and still have your mother so excited about your birthday. *chuckle*(She was almost going to invite my grandma and aunties over as part of the celebrations!)

I'd like the spend the rest of the day with him. We haven't been spending much time with each other. I think alot of it has to do with our work. I'm busy and his previous job's working hours are erratic. We have changes to adjust to now that he has found a new job with more stable working hours. Sometimes, despite our busy-ness, I think all it takes is some effort on each of our part to spend time with each other. This year is a bad one for me at work. It drains my energy so much that at the end of the day, all I want to do is to have a good shower and then put my feet up. But I end up having a good shower and then continuing work on the computer. It becomes almost impossible not to have to work at home at all. I don't know.

Our relationship has hit a stability level where things are just so ordinary and routine that ...well.... we've forgotten to touch base with each other, I think. We're so confident that we're good at looking after ourselves that we've forgotten that we need to look after each other too. You know, pamper a little, show things more outwardly.... concern, love, tenderness, etc.

Maybe I'm going around in circles here... I don't know. I'm so afraid to rock the stability for fear that we can't achieve this balance after that. Or... is there even a need to rock anything? Aren't things just fine now?