Crazy Elephant is great. I'm so impressed by the talent these musicians possess. It must be real fun to make music together! I have never really got the opportunity to make music with people. The only time was when I performed 2 duet pieces with my sister for a concert held by my music school. That was like sooo long ago....Jude, find one day I play that song for you.... :-)

Had a headache while sitting at the bar just now. Got 2 coffees and also got my hands massaged....the headache eased off slowly after that....you'e so considerate and caring dear...

Throat is still bad....not sure if I should see a doctor tomorrow and get medication so kill the germs before I start school?

Listening to Serve and Chill now.....yeah....nice.....

Goodnight everyone! And if I don't get to blog tomorrow, Happy New Year!

We're entering into 2002 soon! I just trashed all the bills that I kept for 2001. Yes, I am a pack-freak and I actually file up all my bills (even after payment is made). It's a habit I inherited from my father. "What if one day they call up and tell you that you haven't paid? You can show them the records..."

Not sure if I mave mentioned this in previous blogs before, but a month back, I came across this 23-page long "diary" entry that I scribbled into one of my notebooks. It was written on Christmas a year ago. 23 pages of confusion mixed with sadness all poured out into writing. I have occassionally picked up this notebook and read what I wrote, and closed the notebook and put it back in its place. Tonight, I feel like I have scaled a mountain. I tore all 23 pages out and TRASHED it! :-) No feelings attached, no sentimental value, no need to keep it to read it again next time and remind myself of those times. I am at peace. I am happy. This feeling is grrreat!!

Filed up the reciept I got from California Fitness Centre. Yes, I am a member there and I will be a member for the next 3 years. I have only gone to the gym twice this month. Once to attend the hip-hop class, the other to just do my own workout. I am wasting my money!! This cannot do! Just read the fine-print on the back of the reciept and it says membership is non-transferable and non-refundable. So I am stuck with it for the next 3 years. Then I realise that I should change my mentality about it. There's no point regreting having made the decision to sign up for 3 years. On the brighter side, I can make full use of the facilities to tone my body and to pamper myself with the sauna anf steam bath. It's all in the mind. It's how I percieve the entire thing.

So one of my new year resolutions : To use the gym facitlities regularly to lose weight, keep fit and healthy, and to eat without guilt. (haha)

We're going to get a tent and spend the new year camping out! Excited....

It's been a month........I guess time flies when you're in love....

Staff dinner last night was a bash. I'm not a "formal" kind of person so formal settings kind of make me uncomfortable because I cannot really be myself. First half of the dinner was a full of formalities. Speeches by the boss and so on, prize presentation, etc. The second half of the dinner was better. I got rid of the podium on the stage because it was too formal and too high for me. The games went well and everyone was very sporting. Had to think of impromptu ways to make it more fun. Felt good when boss and the rest of the staff came up to tell me they were very entertained and they had fun.

He's napping as I type this. I am sleepy too...eyes are closing and mind started dreaming stuff already...........blog later...I'm going to join him in dreamland........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

bad bad bad bad bad sore throat....what a way to begin a new year and to start school....*sigh*

I missed you so much tonight...

Boss spoke to me today. Apparently I am reviewed pretty well this year. (hmm...even after not-handing-in-the-work-review-form ??) tell you guys more later...now I got to go shower and get dressed for staff dinner tonight. (the stressful one) Why so early? because I'm meeting him at his place first.... heh....can't wait!! (to see him, not for the staff dinner, ok)

Hey what's wrong with this blogger thing? I thought blogger was down a few days back because I cold not get my posts up, but I just realised that the whole posting thingey got stuck because my blog was too long. Is there such a thing? Too long a blog creates a jam in the posting and they tell you "The page could not be displayed"? Wow I feel so cheated...I mean, I thought the server was down, but it was actually something else. But then again, like what dear said, we have no ground for complaining since the whole blogging service is free.... :-)

Anyway, now I will try to keep it short and sweet and simple, and post up things in little chunks for the server to digest bit by bit slowly.

Just came back from Somerset bar with him, Jude and Eugene. Hey Jude, you seem to get along very well with Eugene huh? *wink* I was surprised when dear told me that you and and Eugene just met only! heehee....hmm, but then again, like I told dear, you get along with just about anyone anyway....heehee

CD's wedding dinner tonight. Half the ballroom made up of people from the wine and spirits inductry, so many people drank and got real high. A whole table of females actually got the act together to toast a very loud "Yam Seng" to the couple. I was impressed by their sporting spirit... I mean, a whole table of dolled up ladies screamimg away ok! CD made a speech. The usual one thanking parents etc...but he dedicated a major part of his speech to thanking his sister Pei. I think Pei cried....she's always so emotional.

Got compliments from all my relatives. The ego boosting was sky high (heehee). However, hope that they do not begin to try to widen my social circle again....

Took a picture with 2 other girl cousins. We stood on the stage and used the ice sculptures as the background. They were kind of taller than me by kind of alot so we all bent forward a little so reduce the impact of the difference in height. When I bent forward, my butt automatically sticks out a little to, right? (Don't believe? You try) So guess what, the big clutz me got my bottom almost totally wet cos my butt came in contact with the ice sculptures. That wasn't enough, the whole act sent all my relatives into peals of guffaws and laughter. Oops....wet ass for the next 5 minutes....but to get that and get everyone laughing, I think it's worth it....

(the following was supposed to be up in the early hours of 27 December 2001, however blogger was down...so here it is now..)

Finished my Maths Scheme of Work!! Feel immensely satisfied. Mrs Woo will be pleased, I hope.

Got a silk scarf from Prakash. It came as registered mail. No frills, no fancy christmas cards, not even a note to explain anything. Just a simple scarf in the envelope. And that in itself speaks a thousand words about the goodwill and friendship all the way from Nepal. I will send him something too.Am I cut out to be a teacher? It's a childhood ambition realised. I seriously don't foresee myself to be doing this my entire life. They say teaching is a calling, like nursing and becoming a monk, the likes of it. I guess I have fulfilled my personal calling....and then now after which, what next?

Life is very unpredictable. I've had many surprises along the way. Some were nasty, some pleasant, and some magical (meeting you was magical, dear). Everything is an experience and I look forward to whatever life has to offer to me. One thing I learnt, never take anything for granted...

Saturday, 22 Dec
Went to Altivo with him. Talked about crossing hurdles in life and reaching smaller goals in order to achieve the ultimate one. "Life is a journey, not a destination". You told me this yourself darling...and we will walk this journey together.

Sunday, 23 Dec
We wanted to watch LOTR again but did not manage to get the tickets. So we went around shopping for Christmas gifts instead. Lugged home so many presents from Ikea. Come to think of it, its the first time I am celebrating christmas by buying gifts for my friends. Usually we just go somewhere and drink and dance the night away...

What a fabulous weekend spent entirely with you...

Monday, 24 Dec
We had our first BBQ together! It was so fun! Seemed as if everything was made for us cos the plans went smoothly and everything was done to perfect timing. Found a perfect spot to lie down and watch the stars. Fell asleep snuggling close to him. Felt so safe and so happy.

Never knew that having a BBQ could be as easy as this. We bought everything from Giant at Turf City. Even the disposable BBQ pit. It's actually quite good! The heat lasts for a couple of hours and the fire to so good your food gets cook (even burnt) in a matter of a few minutes. Pre-marinated chicken wings and pork chops are very tasty!

Want to blog more but I am extremely sleepy. Can feel the morning chill now...the air is getting cold. Will fall asleep to X Japan's Crucify My Love on the CD that he burnt. What a romantic song...

We all have different hurdles in life to cross. Different paths. Different goals. Different dreams. I'll be there cheering with pompoms when you cross your hurdles. I'll hold your hand when you're choosing which path to take. I'll aim with you when you set your goals. And be there with you when you're living that dream. I want to be there for you in every possible way that I can...in every possible way that you can think of and in every possible way that you will let me...

Something I remember from my sec school literature....

"Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse they name, for if thou wilt not but be sworn by my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."

Nightmares.

I am jealous.

"When you look into an abyss long enough, the abyss looks back into you" (something like that..)

What is that supposed to mean?

Should I get out of here? If I stay here, there's bound to be work to do....but I have so much to do...if I don't do them now, then I will have to work doubly hard when I come back the next time. Feels like credit card payment.

Hiya!! I am in school!!!! I am blogging from SCHOOL!!!

My...what an escape....

Just finished registering 360 sec one people into the school. Just transferred 5 sec one people out of my school. Just updated MOE HQ on all this crap. Just printed out 3400 class lists for year 2002 (yes, 34 classes, 100 copies each, that makes 3400, right? Simple maths....). Just printed out 34 temporary class registers for January. Just faxed the specifications for the band banner to the banner company. All these took me the ENTIRE morning....

I am completely tired. Doesn't matter to me if my Vice-Principal seems to be impressed with what I have done this morning. I just want a life and I will make sure it will not be controlled by work.

How self-assured are you? How confident of yourself are you? In terms of everything, I mean. Do you let yourself get put down by others easily? Do you put yourself down and discount your own abilities?

I have so many things to do in school that I can cry. Here is a brief list :
(1) prepare purchase form for Marimbas
(2) complete 2001 work review
(3) complete maths SOW
(4) cca orientation concert
(5) record book
(6) band orientation
(7) band syf photos
(8) lesson planning
(9) annual staff dinner

I can't be bothered to think about anymore stuff. It's depressing!

Back from school!

Want to complain about the load of work I had to do this morning but no time as I need to shower and then meet Merlin and Chris to go to SimLim...Chris wants to get a CDwriter. Meeting him after that somewhere in town...

My Retro party outfit is confirmed! Amazingly, mummy was the one who helped me to pick it. She gave me ideas and amazingly I managed to find items to match the descriptions she gave me. I've got the trumpet pants, printed shirt with the big collar, retro glasses, platforms....and a beaded bag from mummy! We had so much fun last night giggling away at how retro I looked. Her faced grimaced in pain and disapproval when she saw my G. "How can you wear that?!? Not painful?!?!" No mum...the VPL is just not the IN thing now...

got to go!!!!!

LOTR is awesome. I was totally into the movie from the beginning till the end. Nevermind the fourth-row-from-the-front seats we had and the neck ache I had to endure throughout. The movie makes up for everything! You haven't bought the tickets yet? Hurry! Not to be missed. I won't mind watching it a second time...

Hobbits are so cute! They are short creatures with large hairy feet. I can relate to that -- being short, I mean, NOT having large hairy feet.

Had a wonderful time with dear tonight. "You seem to be very happy tonight..." Of course my dear...you were the highlight of my day!

Ok...need to do my assignment and then sleep early...got to be in school tomorrow for the Sec one thingey. Darn admin work again...stressful!.

OK its the music. its too relaxing to the point it can be depressing! Changing it to something more upbeat. Maybe I'll get to my feet.

Buying Christmas lights and decorations later!!!

Hey my phone just beeped a message!! It's Cheryl! Have not spoken to her since the HFC camp. She won the talentime and I did not even congratulate her properly....

Ok move over Michael O'suilleabhain....here comes Endless Rain.....

Sat on my couch and looked out of the window. I was looking at the white clouds against the blue sky. Listened to "Ah, Sweet Dancer" by Michael O'suilleabhain. Then I saw a bird flying high up in the sky against the Regent Heights Tower. The bird soaring gracefully across the sky, making circles slowly and swiftly...it was almost like it was synchronised to the music I was listening to. It's beautiful.

This is one of those days where I just feel like I have absolutely no energy to do anything on my own. Maybe if someone called me up and asked me out for coffee or something, I might have some "direction" and something to do. No one called. My phone is sitting quietly on the shelf, getting charged. Where's my self-motivation? I don't even have the mood to do my laundry and to do my photo album No. 2.

I'm a slave to my computer. I cannot believe I have just spent an entire 2 hours here in this corner of my room staring at the screen. Get out of here!

H : I want to be appreciated and loved for who I am. When trying to work it out with K, I had to perform and show him how much I could give before he decided whether or not to love me. I was sick and tired of having to prove myself to him.
K : aiyoo...girl....
C : It's not easy to know exactly who you are.
H : No, it IS easy to know exactly who you are. It's NOT easy to accept and completely come in terms with all your goods and bads, with who you REALLY are.

If I die tomorrow, would I die with regrets? Is there anything I have not accomplished?

Two girls at a bar sipping good champagne.
K : I'm not drunk ok.
H (laughs): Ok lah steady
K : I just have one question for you.
H (raise eyebrows): yeah what?
K : What do you look for in a guy? I repeat, I'm not drunk.
H (thinks): hmmm.... eh, first of all, I'm also not drunk ok
K (laughs) : ok lah steady!

Just woke up!

Listening to He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother by The Hollies. Very inspiring :
"The road is long...with many a winding turn... that leads us to who knows where, who knows where.....but I'm strong...."

Met my beloved 4T2 students yesterday when they came to school to collect their results. They did ok. Ok enough to get to ITE and to further their studies. Many of them came back with extremely colourful hair. Juncheng had red and purple hair. Wee Beng was blonde. Desmond had reddish brown. I guess when you finally do not have to adhere to any school rules, you feel this sudden sense of pure freedom to do whatever you want to your appearance. To seek for that identity you felt could only be better expressed by going for a brand new look, be it a new hair colour, or body piercing.

We all look for an identity for ourselves. In subtle ways, when we decide on what clothes to wear, what hairstyle to have, what hair colour to choose, which lipstick colour to apply, which piece of jewellery to put on, etc, we are actually selecting the look that best represents who we are. Have you ever looked at a particular outfit and say, "I will never wear THAT." or "You'll never catch me dead in that hairdo!" Well, because you know that its not YOU. That appearance will not represent WHO you are.

Listening to "Perfect Day" by various artists.

Was brushing my teeth when I suddenly thought that I should wake up early and be in school at 6:30am or even earlier on the first day of school. Just to get ready for school. To start the year fresh. Then I suddenly realised, "What the hell am I talking about? So bloody ON about school already??"

I surprise myself...and I'm happy that I am sub-conciously getting ready for school and accepting harsh reality with a smile.

I'm home. I'm tired.

Don't want to elaborate on what happened in school just yet. Basically the usual admin stuff. Why is admin and all that printing and filing and collating and sorting and retrieval of data and etc so tedious?! It sounds easy but hey, get to do it and you know what I mean.

Burning a dark green scented candle in my room now...smells good...very relaxing...i'm feeling sleepy....

But I got to go shower and get dressed...going to D's house for tea/dinner/dunno what you call it. I'm tired....I am typing this with my chin on my table and my eyes loooking at the keyboard...hey! just realised my keyboard is very dusty.

He will not be joining me at PinKK tonight. He's going to "meditate". Hey, I really laughed...

got to go....feel like meditating...heh.....

I'm going to die! I have not done my work review (report on what I've been up to for this whole year in school, the wayangs I performed and the credits I got, etc ,etc..) and I've owed Latiff the report since school ended in November!! And I have not done my Maths Scheme of Work for 2002. Supposed to submit it to Mrs Woo like...a month ago??

I need to go to school in a disguise...

Its not that I am defiant. I just don't see the point in writing that report anymore, since I've already been graded and the performance bonus has already been decided. (yes, MOE works in strange ways....you're graded and accessed before they read your report about what you have worked on and achieved in that year. So how do they grade us? I have absolutely no idea...based on perception and subjective, close-minded personal opinions of us I suppose) The year has come to an end already. NOBODY is going to bother about what I have done in 2001. Not even me. I just can't bring myself to sit down and type it out. It's so painful!

The maths Scheme of Work (SOW) is equally boring. This document, I admit, is important because the next teacher teaching the Sec 4 Normal Technical students next year needs to use it to plan her lesson schedules. The painful part is due the fact that there are new textbooks next year. Completely different textbooks. And who's going to look through it and assess it and plan out the entire years' schedule to teach it? Your's truly here....*curtsy* ....Its so boring I can cry!!

okok better go before I am late...still need to shower and all that...

Going to Dianah's and Rashidah's today. Hari Raya invitations. I'm going to gorge myself with food again....

Going Pinkk tonight with Karen and dear(?) to drown myself in FREE champagne. (heehee...cheapo huh?) Any ladies reading this? Free Champagne at Pinkk tonight and all wednesday nights for Ladies! Men have to come in skirts for the priviledge.

Pray hard that I will not meet Latiff or Mrs Woo in school later.....

Wrote a long long blog at his place last night but blogger was down so I couldn't post it up. Dear, if you're free, help me to post it up ok? thanks...

Wrote a long long email to Jen, Min and Qing. Kinda like an update of the latest happenings in my life...of course, you were mentioned and highlighted dear....

Had happy dreams last night that made me smile for no reason this morning. I cannot remember what dreams, though. I was just happy...

Going to school soon...N level results out today!

There are and will be boulders along your path...(we all have good and bad things in store for us) ....I will be there beside you when you clear them. If they're too heavy to move, we can climb over them. If they're too tall, we'll walk around them. I will be with you my dear......

Hmm...why didn't the previous blog get posted this morning?

Had a good weekend!! Met the blog group at their party...actually gate-crashed at 2am in the morning! :-) I must say you guys are a fun bunch. Thanks for making me feel comfy. Was just telling dear that I'm very impressed at how well-organized the whole thing was...like who to buy the booze, who to bring the games, etc. Jude : great job! Everyone has good memories of the gathering (even me, even though I was there for only an hour...to witness you pple getting ready to sleep! :-p) and that alone makes the party a smashing success. :-)

I will think twice before going for another family gathering. Out of those cousins in my age group, only Haur and myself were there. Haur brought his girlfriend. So guess who was the centre of attention? Yeah. I had to tackle and ward off "concerned" relatives on my "marital status". Aunties and uncles who came to me to tell me they have people they want to introduce to me. I was very amused at first, but then after having to undergo a very painful 10minute lecture from my auntie on "interesting" topics like "Getting Introduced Doesn't Mean Getting Married" and "You Can Still Choose", they were really getting on my bloody nerves! Tried to signal to my mum to save me from the gruelling lecture but somehow there was no chemistry in the eye contact that I made with my mum last night. She walked off!

I can't believe match-making still exists. I certainly do not need them to help me to widen my social circle. My marital status is of no concern of theirs. They should be grateful if I were to let them know anything because I'd being doing so out of respect for them as the elders, keeping them in the picture and acknowledging that "yes, you are family so I'm informing you". Who I choose to be with is my business, my life, my happiness. THAT, is the most important. I'm the one getting married to the man of my dreams. Not them! Come to think of it, how does me getting married or not affect their lives? Goodness....

That 10 minute lecture was the most "memorable" of all.

Well, grouses aside, I went to Blu at Shangrila Hotel (25th floor) with my colleagues after the family bbq. It's a terribly romantic place. Dear, let's go there one day...

Was at the beach at Sentosa today with Mart and Sin. Totally relaxing. Basically we just sat on the beach and chatted. Beautiful sunset.

Downloading "Crucify my love" by X Japan now. Sorry dear, I want to listen to the song so much tonight that I cannot wait till tomorrow to listen to it at your place...heehee....

Cannot believe I'm here...going to be late to meet Mart....nevermind, I will take cab (like I'm so rich, huh?)

I thought I wasn't going to be able to see you this weekend dear, but I did and we even went home together.....I'm so happy!!

I wake up each morning with a smile because of you....

.

Crazy karaoke session just now! Mark was absolutely funny! He sang a duet all by himself complete with the impersonation of the woman's parts. Everyone was completely entertained just by watching him.

Shared a spring chicken with dear for dinner. He taught me how to eat the chicken backside. It tastes no different from the other parts, though its supposed to be more tender(??) Maybe its too deep fried...

Brought some of my CDs home from school today. Kevin Kern's piano music playing in the background now as I type...its so soothing...

Dear was feeling down today because his boss was unhappy with him. I'm not good at cheering people up cos I don't know how to. But I tried....I bought coke and vanilla ice cream and made him a float surprise. Instead, turned out he was surprised that I was already at his place as he did not hear the doorbell!

Shared a tiny durian with dear before we left for karaoke. It was so tiny (slightly bigger than a tennis ball?) but it was very good. As the saying goes..."good things come in small packages"....

Sat by the pool to chat after karaoke. Did not chat for long because I started to fall asleep. Can remember Chris telling Jay, "Huey's falling alseep again...!" It was difficult to get into a comfortable position on the metal garden chairs, but I managed to curl up and fall asleep anyway. It was so cold.

I won't be seeing him over this weekend. As much as I would want to, but time apart is also good because it gives each other that personal space. We may share our life together now but it doesn't mean that we stifle the separate lives we had before we found each other. I believe in freedom of space.

Meeting Stephanie for lunch tomorrow in town. Going gym for hip-hop class later. Have not been for 3 weeks! Miss Suhaimi....

Sleepy now...going to bed...

Miss you, dear...

Amazing.....I'm still here.....maybe I should just stay at home. No. Got to go to school. Come on you lazy bones.

Went shopping with Jay and Merlin on Wednesday. Spent more than $50 at Topshop on underwear. Its so expensive to be a girl!! But, hmm, if given a choice to be reborn, I will still want to be a girl.....

Never bring your boyfriend shopping if you're the only one buying stuff. Witnesses so many bored guys hanging around lifelessly while their girlfriends browsed the racks slowly...I mean, unless they don't mind, but I think they looked ready fall asleep. There was this particular guy at Topshop who was going through the display of G-strings with his girl friend. My goodness....he was fingering and touching every piece, commenting on comfort, the colour and the texture of the material and all that. Just like a woman. I think he's gay. Really. They look more like good friends than a couple. He's gay. Initally I was embarrassed to be there 'cos of the male presence. (come on, buying underwear is a very personal, very "woman" thing...) But after some careful observation, I relaxed after I realised I could not confirm his sexual orientation. Heh....

got to go! got to go! got to go!

Dear bought a new phone! We spent a long time trying to figure out the functions of it...not very idiot-proof!

Slept well last night. I'm thinking of going to school today to clear my stuff and prepare for 2002. I cannot believe I actually have that urge to go to school, so I'm going o take my shower and go quickly before I lose the "urge".

Karaoke session tonight. Interesting thing is, we need to bring our own music. Been a long time since I went for karaoke and its the first time I'm going for one that says "Bring-you-own-music" on top of the "bring your own booze". There's always a first time! Best thing is, he's coming with me!

Better go before I turn slave to the computer again and get stuck here till noon and then I really won't have any mood to go to school anymore!

I am missing you...do you know that a simple of message of "hi" from you makes me float? hee...

*sniff sniff* I smell durians.....yum....

i'm such a slave to computers! woke up early and spent the entire morning on the net reading, sending, replying emails and blogging and all....I will suffer withdrawal symptoms when school starts.

Another 2 weeks of "holiday". I'm not looking forward to school. At least not yet. Staff dinner on 29 Dec and I'm supposed to be the emcee for the night. Got to think of games to play and ways to sabo people. stress!!

Had a good chat with mum last night. Have been home late the past few days and she's always already in bed. Last night was an exception cos I was home earlier before she hit the sack. Think the letter I wrote to her did more good than anything else. Feel good about it because its something I did differently from the past, something I did after learning from past mistakes on communication breakdown between mum and I. I'm learning!!

going to wrap the gift now...

Bought something for him yesterday.

I'm seeing him later today!! so very happy...

I miss Rachel baby....

Wow...the feeling of having spending power is fabulous. The ability to just buy without thinking about how much you have left till the end of the month.....feels great. I guess once in a while we get to feel this way (usually at the start of the month...) and its good to be able to spend your hard-earned money on yourself. We need to pamper ourselves once in awhile.

miss you miss you miss you!!!

going off to the gym now. meeting Jay and Sam after that for some serious shopping!! yahoo!!! :-)

Thinking of xmas presents to get.....

I'm feeling lighthearted and happy.....because I'm thinking of you....

Sore throat! Sore throat!

Just got my pay last night. Comfortable amount but I know that I must use the bulk of it to clear as much of my bills as possible. One lesson learnt as I entered the working world : Never spend beyond your means with credit cards. You will NEVER be able to clear that bill with next month's pay because there are more expenses next month. Strange because everyone knows this. But as humans, knowing is never good enough. The soul seeks to experience.

"You can know yourself to be generous, but unless you do something which displays generosity, you have nothing but a concept. You can know yourself to be kind, but unless you do someone a kindness, you have nothing but an idea of yourself. It's your soul's only desire to turn its grandest concept about itself into its greatest experience. Until the concept becomes experience, all there is is speculation..."

Not going to meet my dear today. Plans for the day :

(1) Exercise at the gym
(2) pamper myself a little (still thinking about how to do that...shop?? heeheehee *evil thots*)
(3) Meet the Famous Five for dinner at cafe 211, holland village. Its been a long time since the five of us went out. Just the five of us. I miss you guys!!!

Messaged Stephanie. She's getting on ok. Breaking up is never easy dear. Be strong. I'm always here for you. Just a phonecall away. Wanted to meet up for coffee in town after gym but her schedule is packed all the way....

Was bowling with students last night at Pasir Ris Bowl. Had fun. It was sweet of the students to pamper us. They cooked so much for us and all we did when we arrived was just to sit down and eat. Its nice to be able to relate to students like they are your friends, at the same time knowing that these students know exactly where to draw the line and the respect is still there. What a sensible bunch of kids! They are why I love teaching.

Sometimes my fears are larger than mountains. I try hard to be strong. I'm afraid of feeling too much, too strong. It is so true that the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

Suddenly, I miss my dad so much. I've always felt that I was too young to lose my father. Yes, I'm talking about my own life. Don't tell me that there are others who are worse off. I know. But it doesn't make me miss him less. He passed away just as I was stepping into adult-hood. Just at that moment where I was beginning on my first job, realizing my ambitions. He left. He had to. My life and my thoughts, my way of thinking and my feelings...all were in the process of creation in the past few years. I wish he was there with me as I went through the changes. Sometimes I feel I desperately need his advice or his views. Maybe even his disapprovals. He's the only man, so far, who has loved me for exactly who and what I am, who knows that my virtues are also my shortcomings and so he tried so hard to protect me from those he percieved would take advantage of me.

I have so much to give, so much to share. I once wanted to give all this to him and to share my life with him. But he hurt me at that time by spending time with others without my knowledge, made me feel like a fool. He was afraid of losing me, he said. So we should hence be best friends instead of lovers, as friends never lose each other. Maybe that was the starting point of the fall. I agreed to the change in status because I could not bear the pain of betrayal.

I want to give and share with you. My greatest fear is that you will throw it back at me, that you don't want it, that you want someone else's.

"For the first thing you worry about after saying, 'I Love You' is whether you'll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction -- defense against loss...."

A sudden thought struck me. The importance of human touch. A simple squeeze of the hand can be extremely therapeutic. A hug could spread enough warmth to melt glaciers.

DMD children can feel. They have their sense of touch. They may not have the strength to lift their hand to hold yours. Something as simple as turning their heads to look at you in the eye and to smile at you could take the biggest effort. But they can feel. I am filled with a sudden pang of regret for not having thought about this earlier. Had I thought about it, I would make sure that I held their hands as I spoke to them and I hugged them all when we bid farewell at the end of the camp.

These people have made a difference to my life. Through them, I see myself. The friendship we have built over the past years is so precious to me. We may not have the time to sit and chat in depth during the camps and we may only see each other at most twice a year, but spending a weekend together laughing, playing games and having fun is beyond special to me.

Quote ShinMing's father, "Every year he looks forward to the camp..."

Happy Friends' Club is not volunteer work to me. It is exactly what it is -- Happy Friend's Club. Where friends gather twice a year for a weekend of interaction and smiles. It's a part of my life. It's a duty I take on religiously to organize the camps with Ian. Because I want to see my friends.

We end each camp on a high note. Hip Hip Hooray! We see them off in their buses, telling them to take care, sleep well tonight, study hard, don't be naughty, don't forget me, see you next time, promise you must come again. There's always something at the back of my mind when I see the buses driving off and as I wave goodbye to them. " I want to see you again in the next camp. I really do."

I am looking forward to the next camp. Told Ian that we should make it a real outdoor one. There's a certain beauty in camping in the open, sleeping with mosquitoes, suffering poor toilet facilities, going back to nature....

My special friends. Angels who have touched my life. See you again in the next camp....

A friend of mine passed away in February this year. Vicnesh was stricken with DMD and he passed away peacefully in his sleep one night. We visited his home and paid our respects to him.

His father showed us something Vicnesh wrote on a worksheet from one of the workshops he attended at TeachMe just a week before he passed away. On the worksheet, he was supposed to write down 3 wishes. This is what he wrote :

(1) To straighten my body. (this was canceled out and replaced by : To find a cure for DMD, all diseases and sicknesses)

I cannot remember what the other 2 wishes were exactly but I can remember exactly what I felt about it. My heart wrenched with pain when I saw that his initial wish was to have his body striaghtened (something ALL of us take for granted). And I was full of respect for him when I saw that he changed that wish into something as noble as a wish for a cure for all who suffer from DMD and other illnesses. For someone who has had a life less fortunate than ours in terms of physical capabilities and time, his selfless wishes put many of us to shame.

Vicneshes funeral the next day was a peaceful one. He was dressed handsomely and there were many beautiful garlands of flowers placed all around him. At Mt Vernon Crematorium, prayers were said and I witnessed an Indian funeral for the first time in my life. His father had to carry an earthen pot of water on his shoulder and he stood with his back facing the coffin. Another relative used a small hammer-like equipment to knock a tiny hole at the bottom of the earthen pot. As the water flowed out, his father walked around the coffin and the relative splashed the flow of water onto the coffin with his hands. After one round, a second hole was knocked and the ritual repeated. At the end of the third round, his father let go of the pot and it smashed into pieces behind him. He wepted uncontrollably as his relatives escorted him away and out of the hall. He was not supposed to look back.

I felt a huge lump on my throat as I saw all of that. It was so sad for his father to see him off like that. That smashing of the earthen pot seemed to signify the breaking of father-and-son ties as he bid farewell and walked away without looking back.

Vicnesh's friends were there to bid farewell to him. JieWee, Zulfauzi and Benjamin. Friends who were there took part in the ritual when there was a time where we were asked to just take a walk around the coffin, take our last look at him and say our goodbyes and prayers. When I went back to my seat at the bench, I saw the most heart-wrenching sight ever. JieWee, on his motorised wheelchair, went bravely forward towards the coffin and took one round around it. There was no way for him to see Vicnesh as he could not stand up and the coffin was placed on the high altar. He went slowly and my heart broke when I put myself in his shoes. To lose a good friend is painful enough. To know what one day your own friends will do this for you when you pass away too was so much more than pain. I cried.

What goes on in the minds of these young men who are stricken with DMD? How does it feel when your friend passes away from DMD? How does it feel to know that your clock is ticking away and it may stop anytime, without prior warning? Do these guys sit back and give up on themselves? No. They continue on.

It just dawned on me that all three of them were at the camp over this weekend. They have not let their handicap get the better of them. They have not let their friends' passing on take away their courage to face life with the little time they have left. These young men have a maturity of a level far greater than many of us. What would your reaction be when you know your time is very limited and your body gets weaker by the day?

We have much to learn from them.

Wrote a letter to mummy today. How many of us have a really close relationship with our parents? I won't say that I have, but my mum and I are considerably close. I wanted to share some of my feelings with her and I wanted to tell her how happy I am. It's more difficult to talk to your mum about such issues, and I'm better at expressing through writing, so I wrote. It was 3 pages long (!)

Happiness doesn't fall from the sky for anyone. It's something we have to look for and build for ourselves. It's up to you to clear the obstacles in the way for yourself, be it external or internal.

Went to the library today. Yes. Me. Library. Think that's the first time I stepped into the library this year. Was looking in the Health and Fitness Section and was looking for books to educate myself on all the medical stuff about recovery and physiotherapy. Wasn't really sure which category to look under and was really searching blindly.

I want to be there with you in every possible way. Let me.

Honeymoon period? Not really because I do think ahead and I am aware that there are bound to be problems and quarrels, disputes and tears. It's all part of the whole package and it's all part of the process of growing together. What's important is how we face all these bumps together.

Close your eyes, hold my hands, listen to our heartbeat and we will soar high. Nothing is impossible. Come what may...

Be courageous and overcome your fears. Believe in yourself.

What I came across in "Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul" at the library :

"The greatest handicap : Fear
The best day : Today
The most useless asset : Pride
The greatest bankruptcy : Loss of enthusiasm"

I can only remember so much...there were more and it was very inspiring.

How many times have we faced negativity and gave up? Or ignored it by sweeping it under the carpet?

Seek to clarify negativity and face it without fear. Have courage to accept everything in life as a challenge and an experience. Our life is too short to make every mistake, so we must learn from the mistakes others have made. Open your eyes to your surroundings. Widen your horizons. Having an open mind is the first step. Prejudices and biased opinions hinder inner growth and development.

I had a fantastic weekend at the camp. To finish the weekend by spending the time with you is like topping off a delicious chocolate sundae with a large cherry on the whipped cream. A simple dinner at a simple restaurant brought me back in touch with the simplicities in life and the joys they bring. We don't have to wine and dine in fanciful places to feel the romance. I'm a simple girl. :-)

"Every action taken by human beings is based in either love or fear, not just those dealing with relationships. Decisions dealing with business, industry, politics, relision, education, social agenda, economic goals, decisions involving war, peace, attack, defense, aggression, submission, to save or to share, to unite or to divide...every single free choice we have is based on either one of these : Love or Fear. "

"Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms.
Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals.
Fear wraps our bodies in clothing; Love allows us to stand naked.
Fear clings to and clutches all that we have; Love gives all that we have away.
Fear holds close; Love holds dear.
Fear grasps, love lets go.
Fear rankles, Love soothes.
Fear attacks, love amends "

I'm still learning to put my fears away. It is not easy.

I live near her. But I've never seen her. You live near her. Do you think alot about her?

Oh well, nevermind. Live the present, learn from the past and look to the future.

Live the present. Because that's the most important. What matters is NOW. Put away your fears. Once there is fear, the path towards happiness will always be hindered. One cannot be truly happy unless one puts the fear away. This is different from escaping fear or danger....(to be continued)

back from lunch. Was thinking whether to go straight to west mall or come home to settle some camp stuff. Ian called while I was on the bus, getting off the bus, crossing the road, walking to my block, getting into the lift, walking along the corridor, opening my door, taking my shoes off, walking to my room, switching on my computer and connecting onto the net!!!! ALL the way!! Call Duration : 16min46sec. I should send him my bill. Right?

Having pre-camp blues (already). I always get it! Stress on the night (now, even the day too) before the camp. 3 and a half years of experience of speaking to large numbers of people does not help the least bit in making me feel less jittery about having to speak to so many people tomorrow. Plus I foresee hiccups. Major ones. But hey, I'm not the camp commandant ... *pushes away all responsibility, heaves sigh of relieve, begins gloating*......*hiak hiak hiak*

(1) I have cleaned my room.
(2) I have packed my bag for the camp.
(3) My clothes are still lying on mummy's bed. (to my delight, dear mummy has folded them!)
(4) I have prepared the stuff for the camp (almost all).
(5) Ian called (as explained in detail above).
(6) I am already wearing what I have decided to wear for the choir concert tonight.
(7) Good news, resident red ants!!....you have one more weekend of fun exploring my table...

feel accomplished....

J just messaged. Seeing him after dinner!!! *dances around the room*
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*knocks against cupboard, falls in a heap on the floor*
*gets up*
*posts this up for you, the avid reader of my blog (thank you, thank you), to read*

music music music...spent my time banging on the piano and irritating my neighbours just now. Its a great feeling....banging on the piano, I mean....

Ivlong messaged. Lunch. He's flying back down under on Monday morning. When he comes back, I'm going to get him to buy DFS perfume for me.. Yes!! Frangrances!! I'm a perfume freak. NOT because I smell but because I want to smell BETTER. Hmm...got to think carefully...I'm outta cash and I still have 2 unopened bottles of perfume. Should I buy? Buy? Don't buy? Buy? Don't buy? Bye...

Jay : why did you sign on the Navy?
J : cos of the the sun, the sand, the sea..

*thinking of my Sun, Sand and Sea guy*

I like the name Flower Power. You know what? It's always been a term I use too. Great minds think alike? Thanks for setting up this account for me and as everyone can see, I am crazy over it!

I'm so bored at home. I have done ZERO of the things I'm supposed to do. Spent the morning prancing around my room mixing amd matching my clothes and putting them on to see if they "go". Absolute bimbotic waste of time. But who cares? I had fun! *laughs bimbotically*

The result of bimbotic morning "sickness", an even more untidy room. To add to the glorious mess, I now have 1 pair of boots, 2 pairs of track shoes, 1 pair of slippers, 2 Nike bags, 1 bag of toiletries, 1 pile of clothes, 1 bag of underwear and 1 water bottle lying on the floor. Lucky mummy isn't home....

Dragged the weighing scale out from under a pile of pamphlets in my brother's room. Blew the dust away. Dust settles around the scale. Stands on scale. Stares at scale. Gets off scale. Walks away. Refuse to use scale ever again. Scale left to cry apologetically in the circle of dust next to the pamphlets in brother's room.

I don't know how to start to pack my room.

The 2 greatest feelings in this world : Love and Fear. Exact opposites of each other. Like Alpha and Omega. All our actions are either driven by love or by fear.

spent the last 30 minutes trying to figure out this blogging thing. Changed the template. Would really like to create my own styles but I don't have the time and I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I already have problems trying to figure out how to include this little "comments" part at the end of each blog so that people can praise me if they want to.

Evidence that my brother has molested my printer : the little bright-yellow cloth that sheilds my printer's modesty is misplaced! I hate it when my things are used and not put-back-in-its-proper-place. I hate it when my things are taken and used and not returned. Don't get me wrong, I'm only like this towards my brother. (because he's the only one who does this to me!) Don't get me wrong, I do love my brother.

Listening to "Careless Whisper" on Kazaa now. A true Oldie Goldie. George Michael crooning about never dancing again against the soothing and very romantic saxophone...beautiful...

Songs have this effect to transport you back in time, to send you back to where they left a mark in your memories. I can get so "into" a song that I can weep when I listen to it. Have not done that for a long time, though. Sometimes I just want to spend the whole day sitting back listening to these songs and just let my mind float back to those days. But hey, got to snap back cos life is not about living in the past but looking to the future.

Things to do :
(1) Clean room
(2) Pack bag for camp
(3) Fold my clothes
(4) Prepare stuff for camp
(5) Call Ian (how to get to the campsite?)
(6) Decide what to wear for choir concert tonight
(7) Find the nest and kill the red ants living on my table

My jaw is aching.....

ahhh...my first entry here...this is so exciting! Now let's see...what to write...?? It's too early to start my brain working! It's only 8:25am! Given a normal day during this period, I would still be drooling on my pillow at this time.

Lots to do today. Got the camp tomorrow. Feel as if I have so many things to "complete" by tonight, like for example, to clean up my room 'cos the last thing I want to be greeted by when I come home dead tired from the camp is a room that looks like a typhoon has swept through it. Yeah, that's the way it looks now. My mum has given up trying to ask me to clean up.

hmmm....going to get this posted up before I continue...wanna see what it looks like....

Hello world!