The challenges grow as each day goes by. I wonder when will I completely be free from all of them. Will I ever, EVER emerge from all these and say "Yes, I've conquered, the worst is over and I am going to be ok from now"?
I thought that it would help by writing down the list of things I need to do into my notebook and then ticking them off one by one as I went about doing them. It's not really working. Today, I stared at the list and went "so what?". I still went ahead to do those things but I felt like I had no soul.
I feel so bad for bothering my friends yet again with my cries for help. And I saw that true friendship means we all huddle together and be there for each other through the storms we are each facing on our own. We don't ask for each other to cast aside our problems and "hey focus on mine please".. instead we just lend support and stick together. I guess this is what sticking together through thick and thin means.
I am, in particular, rather disappointed with a particular friend whom I thought cared about me and who promised to be there if needed. Why is it that when I was in a time of need, this friend doesnt seem to be one I would text? Strangely enough, I only started feeling this way towards this friend just a couple of days ago. The sudden disappearing act seems to be happening again. I did not feel that it was right to air my problems to this friend because the previous texts that I had sent had not been responded to yet. Made me feel like.. hey I don't wanna disturb you so.. I don't wish to text my problems out and not receive any response at all.
It seems history is repeating itself again. How come?! What the fuck did I do? Did I misinterprete the word "friendship"? Am I expecting too much? Did my friend get tired of hearing my problems and decide to just let me be?
I guess I should not bother too much either. I have other really good friends who are more reliable pillars of support in my times of need. Why should I allow this to affect me so and be an added source of stress?
I guess it is because I valued the friendship. And I am beginning to feel that perhaps, we had different values in this friendship.
On a side note. It is SO tough to look for a job. I am now inclined to look for an overseas job. But I think its just a starting point. Many factors to look into. The pay isnt exactly rosy so I got to decide if I want to live with it and accept low pay and HIGH experiences, or should I just stop entertaining this idea. Then the next thing is the uprooting part. Which I guess I can manage. I am not sure.
I am not sure of so many things. Too many.
The last thing I needed was to be unsure of the friendship that I have with you. I just cannot, for the life of me, understand.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
wasted
Oh fuck it. Wasted Sunday. Lost my mood to do anything and then I'm sitting here feeling frustrated at the fact that I lost my mood. Fuck lei. Vicious cycle. Please go away!!!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Catching up
I met Pong for dinner and also to collect the products I was getting from him on behalf of my SIL. We went to Thai Express at Plaza Sing, had dinner and chat all the way. It was good.
We talked alot about teaching, life, work, problems and stresses we were facing. He is my friend from MLS 2008 - the HOD course I attended at NIE in 2008 from Jan-Jun. Funny how we only attended a few lessons together but we somehow got to know each other and realised that we share the same passion for diving too. He is the only person from the MLS course that I am still in contact with. Amazing huh? I am not even in contact with any of those HODs I went on the learning trip to China with.
He told me about his dive trip to Tioman over the last weekend. It sure sounds fun! He also said he was sure that I would get along with those people there cos they were "my type". I also learnt from him that there ARE people who go alone for dive trips and get to know people along the way. The Dive Master would pair the "singles" with a similar-level buddy so if I were to go alone for such trips I wouldn't have to worry at all about not having a buddy and all that.
All the talk about the possibilites really made me very excited (once again) about diving! I will really REALLY get down to it this year. I must. I need to justify the fact that I go around telling the whole wide world that I like diving.
We sat down at about 715pm and chat all the way till 10pm. Then he had to go pick up his wife and 2 boys.
I thought to myself tonight while I was on the way home... I think I need to open other social circles with people more my age (who share similar interests, of course). This applies only to men, I realise (sorry younger guy friends who stumble on my blog). Except for some of my younger guy friends, the conversations I have with those guys who are more mature are more intellectually stimulating. They are also better able to relate to the issues I face - because of maturity perhaps? Or similar experiences? Whichever way, I felt the intellectual exchange tonight...
Thank you for your friendship.
We talked alot about teaching, life, work, problems and stresses we were facing. He is my friend from MLS 2008 - the HOD course I attended at NIE in 2008 from Jan-Jun. Funny how we only attended a few lessons together but we somehow got to know each other and realised that we share the same passion for diving too. He is the only person from the MLS course that I am still in contact with. Amazing huh? I am not even in contact with any of those HODs I went on the learning trip to China with.
He told me about his dive trip to Tioman over the last weekend. It sure sounds fun! He also said he was sure that I would get along with those people there cos they were "my type". I also learnt from him that there ARE people who go alone for dive trips and get to know people along the way. The Dive Master would pair the "singles" with a similar-level buddy so if I were to go alone for such trips I wouldn't have to worry at all about not having a buddy and all that.
All the talk about the possibilites really made me very excited (once again) about diving! I will really REALLY get down to it this year. I must. I need to justify the fact that I go around telling the whole wide world that I like diving.
We sat down at about 715pm and chat all the way till 10pm. Then he had to go pick up his wife and 2 boys.
I thought to myself tonight while I was on the way home... I think I need to open other social circles with people more my age (who share similar interests, of course). This applies only to men, I realise (sorry younger guy friends who stumble on my blog). Except for some of my younger guy friends, the conversations I have with those guys who are more mature are more intellectually stimulating. They are also better able to relate to the issues I face - because of maturity perhaps? Or similar experiences? Whichever way, I felt the intellectual exchange tonight...
Thank you for your friendship.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Will I?
“My grief lies all within, And these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul."
~ William Shakespeare
I looked at the "Notes" you wrote in your FB wall. I approach them with apprehension and difficulty. I still do not dare to open some of them, though in actual fact, I have read them all before in the past. Perhaps it's because you are so alive in those notes. Perhaps its so very you that makes me feel so sad because all I have are the images of you in my mind when I want so much to put my arms around you.
I started surfing for quotes about death and grief. I am beyond words myself to express how I feel. I wanted to look for a quote that speaks of how it is like for me, to express the pain for me.
And I found this.
I think about you every single day. Even before you left, you were in my mind all the time too. Though I must admit, sometimes I had pushed you to the back of my mind because I was too guilty to face you...
Grief... will I ever heal from it?
~ William Shakespeare
I looked at the "Notes" you wrote in your FB wall. I approach them with apprehension and difficulty. I still do not dare to open some of them, though in actual fact, I have read them all before in the past. Perhaps it's because you are so alive in those notes. Perhaps its so very you that makes me feel so sad because all I have are the images of you in my mind when I want so much to put my arms around you.
I started surfing for quotes about death and grief. I am beyond words myself to express how I feel. I wanted to look for a quote that speaks of how it is like for me, to express the pain for me.
And I found this.
I think about you every single day. Even before you left, you were in my mind all the time too. Though I must admit, sometimes I had pushed you to the back of my mind because I was too guilty to face you...
Grief... will I ever heal from it?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Who would you call?
I visited Karen's mum today in the noon. Karen's mum has cancer and she is undergoing chemotherapy at the moment. She told me she feels the pain and it can be so bad that her legs can go numb. I cannot imagine what it is like at all, really. She is also losing her hair.. I felt sad to see her suffer. And all I can do is visit and chat with her.
After I left, I walked over to Serangoon Gardens Circus and walked around abit at the new Village mall and went up to the rooftop garden just to check out the view. Not much of a view given that it is only 3 storeys high.
I took a trip down memory lane and went to Happy Daze sidewalk cafe. Somewhere back in 2001 (I think), Jason and I went to Ian's house for an HFC camp meeting. We all adjourned to Happy Daze for a drink and to continue the discussion. At that time, the rest did now know that we were seeing each other and we were trying to keep it under wraps. He ordered a "spider" - which was actually just a coke float and while having it, he fed me some of the ice cream and it drew queer looks from Ian.. both of us were exchanging looks at each other and smiling away... it was such a happy feeling - of being in love, having this huge secret that you can't tell others yet, sharing something in common and very special between yourselves...as I type this, I can almost feel that same feeling.. :)
That's one of my memories of Jason... one of our first few "dates" together... quite abit of it has been documented in the earlier years of my blog and I am SO glad that he encouraged me to have this blog.. because now, I have those memories of him and my life all kept here.
I finished reading "An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love" on the bus-ride home. Sam lent me this book quite some time ago and I had left it on the shelf till now. He lent it to me early last year. It is funny how the books speaks to me in such an apt way now because it is about cherishing the people you love before they die.
"If you had an hour to live, who would you call, what would you say, why are you waiting?"
When I finished reading the book, I felt sad. I know that if I had an hour to live, I would wanna call Jason. To tell him I was sorry and to explain what happened back in 2008. I would tell him how I felt and try to sort it out with him. I would wanna make peace and then see if we could take it from there... but before I could do that, he left. So if I was given an hour to live now... I am no longer so sure about who I would call. Only one phonecall... and it would have been to him...
But then again, why should it be just one phonecall? If I had an hour to live, I have a whole list of people I would want to call. I would call those friends I love dearly, I would call my mum, I would call my brother, I would call my sister, I would call the person/people I like(d) to tell him the truth... I would call the people who matter to me.
What would I say to them? If I only had that one hour to call so many people... I will just say one thing... that I love them.
After I left, I walked over to Serangoon Gardens Circus and walked around abit at the new Village mall and went up to the rooftop garden just to check out the view. Not much of a view given that it is only 3 storeys high.
I took a trip down memory lane and went to Happy Daze sidewalk cafe. Somewhere back in 2001 (I think), Jason and I went to Ian's house for an HFC camp meeting. We all adjourned to Happy Daze for a drink and to continue the discussion. At that time, the rest did now know that we were seeing each other and we were trying to keep it under wraps. He ordered a "spider" - which was actually just a coke float and while having it, he fed me some of the ice cream and it drew queer looks from Ian.. both of us were exchanging looks at each other and smiling away... it was such a happy feeling - of being in love, having this huge secret that you can't tell others yet, sharing something in common and very special between yourselves...as I type this, I can almost feel that same feeling.. :)
That's one of my memories of Jason... one of our first few "dates" together... quite abit of it has been documented in the earlier years of my blog and I am SO glad that he encouraged me to have this blog.. because now, I have those memories of him and my life all kept here.
I finished reading "An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love" on the bus-ride home. Sam lent me this book quite some time ago and I had left it on the shelf till now. He lent it to me early last year. It is funny how the books speaks to me in such an apt way now because it is about cherishing the people you love before they die.
"If you had an hour to live, who would you call, what would you say, why are you waiting?"
When I finished reading the book, I felt sad. I know that if I had an hour to live, I would wanna call Jason. To tell him I was sorry and to explain what happened back in 2008. I would tell him how I felt and try to sort it out with him. I would wanna make peace and then see if we could take it from there... but before I could do that, he left. So if I was given an hour to live now... I am no longer so sure about who I would call. Only one phonecall... and it would have been to him...
But then again, why should it be just one phonecall? If I had an hour to live, I have a whole list of people I would want to call. I would call those friends I love dearly, I would call my mum, I would call my brother, I would call my sister, I would call the person/people I like(d) to tell him the truth... I would call the people who matter to me.
What would I say to them? If I only had that one hour to call so many people... I will just say one thing... that I love them.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I'm still here
I decided to blog again. Decided that I want to record my life in here. I want to use this as an outlet to release my thoughts and feelings into cyberspace because it is in cyberspace that we will live forever...
Jason was the one who introduced me to blogging. I started this blog in 2001. That's exactly 10 years ago. He had kept a blog too, then. Breaded was his blogname. I have many links in my old blogs made to his blog. He has removed his blog. Either that, or he has changed its name and I do not know how to find it now. This is something I have to let go of, I suppose. sigh...
So much has happened in the past few years since my last entry in 2008. I don't even know where to begin catching up on things. I think I will not try to put everything in chronological order from there.. too much.
I feel like I am scrambling to capture every bit of memory of you because I do not want to forget. You are gone but you are very much alive in my heart and I don't want to forget the things we did together, the places we've seen, the life we shared...
This blog was titled "My Old Life" because I stopped blogging in 2008. But now, I have decided to add "what lies ahead for now" because... I honestly do not know where I am headed. We shall see. What goes on from here, what lies ahead for now...
Blogger, I'm back.
Jason was the one who introduced me to blogging. I started this blog in 2001. That's exactly 10 years ago. He had kept a blog too, then. Breaded was his blogname. I have many links in my old blogs made to his blog. He has removed his blog. Either that, or he has changed its name and I do not know how to find it now. This is something I have to let go of, I suppose. sigh...
So much has happened in the past few years since my last entry in 2008. I don't even know where to begin catching up on things. I think I will not try to put everything in chronological order from there.. too much.
I feel like I am scrambling to capture every bit of memory of you because I do not want to forget. You are gone but you are very much alive in my heart and I don't want to forget the things we did together, the places we've seen, the life we shared...
This blog was titled "My Old Life" because I stopped blogging in 2008. But now, I have decided to add "what lies ahead for now" because... I honestly do not know where I am headed. We shall see. What goes on from here, what lies ahead for now...
Blogger, I'm back.
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