I need a holiday!

Oh, those happy and carefree days at Redang...























Friggin cold waters at a mangrove in Krabi.
Apparently, the waters would be crystal clear on Sunny days. We happened to be at Krabi during the rainy season. (It rained 4 out of our 5 days there)
Those roots you see are actually real strong and sturdy. I had to hang on to them in order not to be swept away by the current.
Our guide told us that people actually "sail" down the mangrove river on sunny days. We've also seen pictures of this mangrove where the banks are crowded with tourist folks.
Well, I had the whole mangrove to myself that day.
Took alot of courage to jump into the waters. The guide had to find a spot where there were no rocks. And then we were supposed to jump in. Not climb in from the sides. Jump. From a platform a distance above the river. The exhilaration that very moment when I took the leap and hit the murky waters was awesome. It's my Mastercard experience. Priceless.

I shouldn't bother so much, really.

I read her blog. She sounded really sad from the break up. I checked the dates of her entry. Somehow, the dates seem to match.

The Art exam ended on 6 Oct 2006, Friday. Her entries began from 7 Oct 2006, Saturday.

It was 6 Oct 2006 that he sat for his Art paper. He did not do much for the paper and the art teacher took him aside and scolded spoke to him about it. She alerted me and got me to come out of the staffroom to speak to him about it too.

What has this got to do with her? I don't even know her. I've never seen her before. But the art teacher mentioned her during our conversation the scolding. The art teacher told him that she knew about their relationship and that her grades were not too good. The art teacher told him that she said she would work hard to prove to everyone that their relationship has not affected her studies. That was the point when he start crying. I sensed that his tears had got nothing to do with the Art exam, but I did not probe. He talked, in the middle of the sniffles, and said he felt that he had been trying so hard in his art but he just cannot seem to be good enough for it.

Now that I've read her blog, I think he used art as an analogy to his real emotions towards their relationship. I think something that the art teacher said made him decide to break up with her.

She sounds really really sad in her blog. And through reading what she wrote, I think she was someone good for him. He must have broken up with her because he felt that he did not want her to have to face all the finger-pointing if her results were poor.

I feel sad for them. And this makes me upset at the art teacher. IMHO, she is the indirect cause of their break up. I think she's SO fake. I can't stand it that so many students like her. I don't know why it irks me because it should not even be my business to begin with. But somehow, it just makes me angry to know what she is really like, and to see that her students are not aware of it.

Heck. Why do I waste my energy being upset at teachers who are not true to the profession, who do not really possess the heart of a teacher, who practices discrimination?

Questions

Am I a good teacher?

Do I make an impact?

Some teachers like to blog about their lives, their students and they post plenty of pictures too. They have tagboards where their students can comment on their blogs and give them words of affirmation that they're loved and etc...

Perhaps it irks me to read these blogs because I see another side of these teachers. I feel that they're so fake in their blogs. The things they say make them look like they're such angels, all caring and loving towards their students and of course, they're cared for and loved by their students too. But in reality, there's this other very dark side to them that others do not see.

These fakies have a whole string of student-followers. Current and ex-students love them. Perhaps they have indeed touched lives as they go along in their duties as teachers. I don't know.

I'm glad my blog is private. I don't like to have the students from my school visiting my blog, tagging it, leaving their cute-sy comments and stuff. If I want something like that, I'd do a new blog. One that only shows one side of me - the teacher side. I've contemplated on doing on like that actually. So that I can communicate things to my students that I find hard to articulate in class. Especially about the stress I feel and how much I really care. But well, it's tiring to maintain 2 blogs. So, forget it.

I hope that someday, somehow, those that I've taught before will come to realise that whatever I do, it is with good intention and that I really care.

A good teacher is not judged by the number of student-followers she has, nor by the number of teacher's day presents she received.

I sound so full-of-myself in this entry. Like as if I am really so good. Or...I think I'm good.

But, am I a really good teacher? Do I really make an impact?

I don't think I'll ever know.

It's payday

Citibank credit card - $400.00 (it's only partial payment)

DBS Mastercard - $55.00

Internet Broadband - $78.75

Changi Chalet - $225.00 (to get back from Ian soon)

Mum - $500.00

Savings - $x

That about sums up how I spend the measly sum I get for working my sorry ass off every month.

Oh, on a lighter note.. I still have not cashed out the ERS and NSS shares that the garment gave to everyone. Simply because I was too lazy to cash it out. So now, I have a pretty tidy sum tucked away in the garment's bank, waiting for me to spend. I shall leave it there for rainy days... or perhaps to pay for me holiday this year-end.

I want to go back to San Francisco...I want to go somewhere cold.

I need a holiday.... pretty desperately. I don't dare to think about work tomorrow. It's bound to be chaotic. I shall take in deep breathes and count to a million if I have to.

I'm hanging by a thread right now... dangling... rather dangerously... but well, at least I'm not that scared now. I can even manage a smile and maybe a giggle. Haha.. oh well... work is after all... just work.

There's got to be more to life than this!! *wave fist in the air*

Will-power

Zaki and I, 2001
Fight, my friend....

Push me over, please

I cried today.

Why should I bother when they don't care?
Why should I try so hard to encourage when they don't care?
Why should I work so hard for them when they don't care?
Why should I print so many worksheets and work out all the solutions when they don't care?
Why should I show that I care when they don't even bother to show that they care?
Why ask them to come back for remedials when all they do and chit chat, look around and do less than 5 questions in 3 hours?
Why should I care?

I try to focus on those who deserve my attention. Those who care. Those who bother. Those who work hard.

All it takes is just one or two who tell you point blank that they don't intend to even try. All it takes is just one or two who show you that they couldn't care less for the remedials and their attitude still stinks. And I'm down and out.

I almost cried in class. As I sat there working out the solutions, I almost broke down. I controlled myself like crazy. I tried to tell myself that its the ones in class who matter. Not those who have left the classroom. Not those whose minds are drifting either.

I burst into tears thinking about it when I was at my table.

Push me over, please.