Monday night : took half a tablet and went to bed. Cannot tell if the tablet worked. Woke up feeling the same. Rested? not quite.
Tuesday night : fell asleep while taking my temperature and lying on my bed. Woke up at 2am and was very wide awake, all the way till 4am. I just COULD NOT sleep. Did not want to take the tablet because I was afraid I would not be able to wake up on time in the morning.
Wednesday night : Teacher's day dinner. Got home at 12am. Can't sleep yet. It's 1 am now.
Something is wrong. I feel awful about myself. Physically.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
yikes...
I'm not so sure anymore!! How?!?! Why??
I feel like popping the sleeping tablet that Dr Tay prescribed to me. I want to tear my emotions away from it all and handle things as a matter of factly.
Never taken sleeping tablets before. Will it cause me to have difficulty waking up in the morning? Will I get addicted to it? Should I take both the sleeping tablet and the tranquilizer together? Will it have double knock-out effect?
Knock me out!!...oh yeah....
I can't seem to take control of my life. My time. My emotions. I want to love myself but I don't know how. I want to pamper myself but I don't know how to do that without spending money. I wish I had enough self-discipline to put myself as a priority instead of letting others be more important. I must stop being so stupid. Yes?
I feel like popping the sleeping tablet that Dr Tay prescribed to me. I want to tear my emotions away from it all and handle things as a matter of factly.
Never taken sleeping tablets before. Will it cause me to have difficulty waking up in the morning? Will I get addicted to it? Should I take both the sleeping tablet and the tranquilizer together? Will it have double knock-out effect?
Knock me out!!...oh yeah....
I can't seem to take control of my life. My time. My emotions. I want to love myself but I don't know how. I want to pamper myself but I don't know how to do that without spending money. I wish I had enough self-discipline to put myself as a priority instead of letting others be more important. I must stop being so stupid. Yes?
Friday, August 19, 2005
Bad day.
I lost it today. I lost my cool at my students. I was just so upset that I broke down in front of them, yelling and screaming as if I was mad.
I was in fact, quite mad. I was so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head as I rambled on.
I was in fact, quite mad. I was so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head as I rambled on.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Tired.
I am tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally.....well....at least not spiritually I guess.
Deadlines are killing me. I have not been able to get my work done because of other things that I do as a Dean. I have exam papers to set (it is long overdue) by next Monday, continual assessments to grade before next Wednesday. These 2 alone are crushing me! I don't know how I am going to survive. I can't wait for next Thursday to come because that would mean that everything will be over by then.
Deadlines are killing me. I have not been able to get my work done because of other things that I do as a Dean. I have exam papers to set (it is long overdue) by next Monday, continual assessments to grade before next Wednesday. These 2 alone are crushing me! I don't know how I am going to survive. I can't wait for next Thursday to come because that would mean that everything will be over by then.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
F-16
Last night's was one of the best....we haven't shared that for some time, have we baby?
***********************
I dreamt of Han last night. Or rather, he was in my dream. I was in the right-backseat of a car and was travelling past some airfields. It was almost evening and the skies were grey. I was looking at some F-16s doing stunts in the air. Strangely, they all fell from the sky one by one, as if it was part of an air-show. The strangest thing was, they just landed on their sides safe and sound. They fell like birds from the sky. I felt fear just watching them fall from the sky.
Then I realised that there was someone sitting on my left, right next to me. In my dream, I was thinking of Han and his F-16. I thought of the tiny twisted bits of metal that was left of his F-16. In my dream, I did not recognise this person next to me, but I know that he knows Han too. The difference between us was that he was not sad about Han. In fact, he had an air of peace around him. He was just sitting there, calmly, watching the F-16s in the air with me. Then suddenly, I did not feel the fear anymore. I just felt that everything was going to be ok and that the pilots were safe.
The dream stops there.
When I woke up this morning, I could still remember this dream and I thought about the guy who was sitting next to me. He was wearing blue jeans and a dark purple shirt. Then I realised that it was actually Han that was in my dream, sitting next to me. I did not see his face but I am sure it was him in my dream because I recognize those clothes. It was as if he had come to tell me that everything was ok and I need not think about the F-16s again. I don't know....but when I realised that it was him in my dream, I cried...but only for a very short while...
***********************
I dreamt of Han last night. Or rather, he was in my dream. I was in the right-backseat of a car and was travelling past some airfields. It was almost evening and the skies were grey. I was looking at some F-16s doing stunts in the air. Strangely, they all fell from the sky one by one, as if it was part of an air-show. The strangest thing was, they just landed on their sides safe and sound. They fell like birds from the sky. I felt fear just watching them fall from the sky.
Then I realised that there was someone sitting on my left, right next to me. In my dream, I was thinking of Han and his F-16. I thought of the tiny twisted bits of metal that was left of his F-16. In my dream, I did not recognise this person next to me, but I know that he knows Han too. The difference between us was that he was not sad about Han. In fact, he had an air of peace around him. He was just sitting there, calmly, watching the F-16s in the air with me. Then suddenly, I did not feel the fear anymore. I just felt that everything was going to be ok and that the pilots were safe.
The dream stops there.
When I woke up this morning, I could still remember this dream and I thought about the guy who was sitting next to me. He was wearing blue jeans and a dark purple shirt. Then I realised that it was actually Han that was in my dream, sitting next to me. I did not see his face but I am sure it was him in my dream because I recognize those clothes. It was as if he had come to tell me that everything was ok and I need not think about the F-16s again. I don't know....but when I realised that it was him in my dream, I cried...but only for a very short while...
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
I cried buckets
Wenwen...sleeping forever...
I checked on Wenwen when I came home yesterday and confirmed that she was sleeping and resting. She wasn't well for the past few days and I noticed that she had a bloated belly and she did not want to drink water even when I put the snout of the water bottle at her mouth. Knowing her temper, I did not try to carry her or disturb her because she does not quite like to be touched. So I left her to sleep.
When I came home at about 10:30pm - 11pm last night after supper with him, I checked on her again and I thought it was wierd that she had not changed her sleeping position at all. (Hamsters move A LOT in their sleep and they shift positions a lot too) I took a closer look at her and realised that she did not seem to be breathing. Usually you just have to look at their bodies for awhile and you would see them heave up and down as they breathe.
She was not moving.
At all.
I panicked and started calling her. Immediately and gently, I took out the ladder in the cage so I could have more space to stick my hand in. I approached her very slowly and cautiously, in case I gave her a shock. I kept calling her and I stroked her back with my fingers. She did not respond. She looked as if she was in deep slumber.
I removed the cage cover quickly so I could have a closer look to confirm my worst fears. I peerd closely at her and realised that I was right. She was gone. I started to cry. I called him to tell him that she was gone. After I hung up, I just sat there, not knowing what to do. I looked at her tiny little body and I felt so sorry. I wasn't there when she died. She probably died in her sleep and I hope she had not suffered pain at all. I decided to take one last picture of her as a memory, before I started to clean her up.
I slowly moved the wood shavings next to her away. I lifted her as gently as I could from the bed of wood shavings and I slowly began sweeping off the wood shavings on her body. She was almost stiff and felt chilly to touch. When I turned her over to her side to sweep off the shavings on her underside, I noticed that her belly was all blackish. I think she must have had some kind of cancerous tumour. I felt so sorry. My brother was next to me and he was very kind and understanding to not say anything at all. He just sat next to me and watched as I swept all the wood shavings off her body. I was trying so hard not to cry but tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. Mum gave me a small yellow towel to wrap Wenwen in. After I cleaned the shavings away, I held her in my hands and stroked her back gently for awhile. I told her that I was sorry I wasn't there when she was leaving. She was a wonderful pet and I love her very much. I told her that she must make her way to the rainbow bridge now to join Mimi and Chips and that there was plenty of food and friends there. She would always be happy and comfortable at the rainbow bridge.
I said goodbye quietly.
I wrapped her in the yellow towel and placed her in a ziploc bag. He will take me to the nature park tonight and we will bury her together with Mimi and Chips. I placed her into another 2 ziploc bags just to make sure things were air-tight and then I placed her on one of the shelves in the freezer.
We'll bury her tonight.
Bye bye...Wenwen girl....
Monday, August 01, 2005
You think I like to?!
I spoke to the three of you just last week. Exactly a week ago, we talked about your lack of self-discipline to do your own work. I spent a whole 3 periods of my time sitting there with you trying to understand you, trying to listen to you and explain to you the consequences of your actions so that you knew better what to do exactly. And you promised that you would bring all your materials from that day onwards and that you do not wish to drop the subject. You promised to work harder, to put in effort and to try to complete your work so that it can be submitted.
So what happened today? You teacher came running to me to tell me that you did not bring your materials again and that you were all just sitting there wasting away your time chit-chatting.
And what about you? You were suspended for 2 weeks and when you come back, you simply had no common sense to pack you bag and to check your time-table for the lessons for today. Forgetting to bring your materials is NOT a reason. Not even an excuse.
When I walked into the workshop just now, I expected to see you doing some work. But no, you chose to sit with your legs propped up on the table and to chit-chat. I saw you congregating there, laughing away and distracting the friends around you. What is this all about? I don't call this effort. Not at all.
And you, how dare you argue with me. You were suspended from school becuase you cannot come to school on time. And you have the cheek to tell me you were in a hurry so you forgot to bring your materials for this lesson. What kind of lousy excuse is that? As far as I'm concerned, you have just shown me that you are still not quite ready for school and that you have not learnt your lesson on how to come to school on time. Do you need a bigger alarm clock for your thicker head? Must you trouble your mother to wake you up as if you're still in primary school? You're 16 years old for goodness sake. GROW UP!
I'm truly disappointed. Let me be honest. I don't see the point in trying to talk sense to you guys anymore because you all simple make no sense to me. Your behaviour is incoherent to your thinking and your actions are incoherent to your thoughts. You don't seem to realise that results require effort. That dreams don't just come true for those who sit and dream but for those who dare to dream and to act on their dream. You're rubbish. You simply refuse to see the point even when so many adults tell you what you ought to do. So many of us have tried to give you a chance, to pep-talk you and to help you but you just don't care. So let me ask you, if you don't care, then why should we?! We can choose not to care and to just carry out school procedures with you and make like difficult for you and your parents.
Maybe that's exactly what we should do. No more second or third chances. No more being nice and talking nice. No more treating you like a human. From now on, we will try to treat you like commodities that your parents have deposited in this school from 7:20am to 2:20pm everyday and we will provide what MOE wants us to provide for you. We will not waste anymore time nor effort trying to go beyond our call of duty. Procedures. We'll do just that. We'll do only that.
You think I like to?!
Why do you think people even bother about you? All your teachers here have got our educational qualifications. We've got our diplomas and our degrees. We don't need you to make our life any richer. We don't depend on YOUR passes for us to gain anymore that what our certifications can get for us. We've been there and done that. We're safe. We can quit teaching today and find a job the next day. We're self- sufficient.
What about you? What do you have? A PSLE? Hah! Try using that to land yourself in a job that doesn't require you to sacrifice time and energy beyond what it can pay you. Try it! And once you have it, imagine doing it FOR THE REST OF YOUR miserable LIFE and see if you enjoy that thought.
Oh wait, knowing some of you, you'll probably tell me its ok what. It is? Then be my guest! Why sit here and be scolded and hounded, nagged and chased for your assignments? Might as well go work now! Get off that ass then!
You people sap my energy. You make me wonder if you deserve my attention. You make me wonder if I will ever make sense to you. You make me wonder if today's youths should be a cause for concern or not. You make me feel as if my time on you has all been wasted. You promised me you'll try. That you'll be good. What happened? I don't like to have to schold you.
You think I like to?!
So what happened today? You teacher came running to me to tell me that you did not bring your materials again and that you were all just sitting there wasting away your time chit-chatting.
And what about you? You were suspended for 2 weeks and when you come back, you simply had no common sense to pack you bag and to check your time-table for the lessons for today. Forgetting to bring your materials is NOT a reason. Not even an excuse.
When I walked into the workshop just now, I expected to see you doing some work. But no, you chose to sit with your legs propped up on the table and to chit-chat. I saw you congregating there, laughing away and distracting the friends around you. What is this all about? I don't call this effort. Not at all.
And you, how dare you argue with me. You were suspended from school becuase you cannot come to school on time. And you have the cheek to tell me you were in a hurry so you forgot to bring your materials for this lesson. What kind of lousy excuse is that? As far as I'm concerned, you have just shown me that you are still not quite ready for school and that you have not learnt your lesson on how to come to school on time. Do you need a bigger alarm clock for your thicker head? Must you trouble your mother to wake you up as if you're still in primary school? You're 16 years old for goodness sake. GROW UP!
I'm truly disappointed. Let me be honest. I don't see the point in trying to talk sense to you guys anymore because you all simple make no sense to me. Your behaviour is incoherent to your thinking and your actions are incoherent to your thoughts. You don't seem to realise that results require effort. That dreams don't just come true for those who sit and dream but for those who dare to dream and to act on their dream. You're rubbish. You simply refuse to see the point even when so many adults tell you what you ought to do. So many of us have tried to give you a chance, to pep-talk you and to help you but you just don't care. So let me ask you, if you don't care, then why should we?! We can choose not to care and to just carry out school procedures with you and make like difficult for you and your parents.
Maybe that's exactly what we should do. No more second or third chances. No more being nice and talking nice. No more treating you like a human. From now on, we will try to treat you like commodities that your parents have deposited in this school from 7:20am to 2:20pm everyday and we will provide what MOE wants us to provide for you. We will not waste anymore time nor effort trying to go beyond our call of duty. Procedures. We'll do just that. We'll do only that.
You think I like to?!
Why do you think people even bother about you? All your teachers here have got our educational qualifications. We've got our diplomas and our degrees. We don't need you to make our life any richer. We don't depend on YOUR passes for us to gain anymore that what our certifications can get for us. We've been there and done that. We're safe. We can quit teaching today and find a job the next day. We're self- sufficient.
What about you? What do you have? A PSLE? Hah! Try using that to land yourself in a job that doesn't require you to sacrifice time and energy beyond what it can pay you. Try it! And once you have it, imagine doing it FOR THE REST OF YOUR miserable LIFE and see if you enjoy that thought.
Oh wait, knowing some of you, you'll probably tell me its ok what. It is? Then be my guest! Why sit here and be scolded and hounded, nagged and chased for your assignments? Might as well go work now! Get off that ass then!
You people sap my energy. You make me wonder if you deserve my attention. You make me wonder if I will ever make sense to you. You make me wonder if today's youths should be a cause for concern or not. You make me feel as if my time on you has all been wasted. You promised me you'll try. That you'll be good. What happened? I don't like to have to schold you.
You think I like to?!
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