Hmmm...new template I see here for blogging...

I spent the whole day in school today preparing for the camp items. I'm exhausted man...I did the camp booklet, the name tags, the food order, the finalized camp participant list...everything. But the great feeling is that everything for the camp is 90% done! What a relief...

Working with the 2 female staff from the organization is so much easier. I think the rapport seems to have been built over the past few phonecalls and emails. It really seems to me that the REAL camp commandant, this B guy, is so terribly out of the picture that he may jolly well be considered as redundant. He dictates during the meetings and he's so good at shooting arrows out that he has nothing to do for the camp at all, or at least from my point of view over here - everything seems to be done by either F or S!

Have a wedding dinner to attend tonight. Wei Qing, my acjc-cum-nus friend. She's the second in our "group" to get married, the first was Joyce. Let's hope there will be something different for her wedding and not the usual boring procedures and all...

How will YOUR wedding be different?

It really nagged at the back of my mind when I realised that something was going on, something that I was not supposed to know until later. When I found out about it, my hands and feet turned cold. That's a normal reaction for me when I'm nervous. I tried to stay calm and I tried not to think about it. I tried not to imagine things at all. I tried not to let it happen but it really awoke this part of me that has been asleep for a long long time. I was faced with a situation of "being the last to know". Of being stupid to believe something else when the real thing was happening.

I really don't like this feeling. I don't see why I have to be made to feel this way. I don't see why things have to be done this way. I can think of so many other alternative ways in which the whole thing can be replayed and everything turns out well and everyone is happy, so why do things have to happen in this way? The same way it has happened to me so many times in the past?

I was wondering to myself after the movie just now - is it the situation, or is it just me? Do I have the "Hey over here!! Hurt ME!!!" look? Or do I come across as someone whom one can afford to hurt over and over again and "she will just come back"? All these thoughts ran through my mind and I kicked myself for treating myself this way, for allowing, time and again, such things to happen to me. Do I allow it to happen, or is it just my luck that it always happens this way to me?

I don't ask for much. I don't demand for things to be done my way. In fact, I don't demand for anything at all. I'll consider myself as a very easy-going and low-maintenance kind of girl. I just want to be treated fairly. I want to be treated the way I treat you. I don't want to hurt. I know it's inevitable and that hurts are part and parcel of couple-life, but hurt can come in many forms and can be caused by many factors. I don't ever want to be hurt because of another person, because I think I had enough of such hurts from the past to last me a lifetime.

I tried hard to control myself over the phone just now. I tried to make you understand and I hope you understand what I was/am trying to say. I think I did not do such a good job in handling the phonecall and in handling my emotions. It wasn't supposed to come out that way. This is actually such a small matter and I didn't want to make it like some big fat deal. But I had to let you know how I felt about the whole thing. I don't want to bottle things up because it's not healthy for the both of us.

I feel so better after talking ahout it.