It really nagged at the back of my mind when I realised that something was going on, something that I was not supposed to know until later. When I found out about it, my hands and feet turned cold. That's a normal reaction for me when I'm nervous. I tried to stay calm and I tried not to think about it. I tried not to imagine things at all. I tried not to let it happen but it really awoke this part of me that has been asleep for a long long time. I was faced with a situation of "being the last to know". Of being stupid to believe something else when the real thing was happening.

I really don't like this feeling. I don't see why I have to be made to feel this way. I don't see why things have to be done this way. I can think of so many other alternative ways in which the whole thing can be replayed and everything turns out well and everyone is happy, so why do things have to happen in this way? The same way it has happened to me so many times in the past?

I was wondering to myself after the movie just now - is it the situation, or is it just me? Do I have the "Hey over here!! Hurt ME!!!" look? Or do I come across as someone whom one can afford to hurt over and over again and "she will just come back"? All these thoughts ran through my mind and I kicked myself for treating myself this way, for allowing, time and again, such things to happen to me. Do I allow it to happen, or is it just my luck that it always happens this way to me?