Remembering...

I don't cry as easily anymore...not unless that is a real trigger and I allow myself to think about it. But I do miss him and it's hard to recognise the fact that he is gone and not just in another country. I guess I'm too used to having him live far away from home and it doesn't feel very different from 3 or 4 years ago. So it's strange to suddenly "realise" that he is not around. What a short time we shared as cousins.

Racial Harmony Day

Lovely young ladies from 3N1!

It's Racial Harmony Day Celebrations in school today. Some of the girls from my class wore traditional ethnic wear to school and they looked fantabulous!

As for me, I managed to buy a punjabi suit from Mustafa's Centre last night together with Sam. We wandered into the children's department and lo and behold! I found something that was of my size! It's a black punjabi top with detailed embroidery, beads and sequins sewn at the neckline, and it comes with a pair of red punjabi pants and a matching red scarf. The only thing was that the pants were a little too long and I had to alter them. Luckily my mum offered to help, or I would have taken the entire night to alter my pants. The whole suit cost only $19.90 so it was a real steal.

I have absolutely no idea how the Indian ladies withstand the heat in their punjabi! The material simply does not absorb your perspiration and half the time I was struggling with the scarf to make sure that it was in place. I even felt strangled a few times.

There's only one me...

I just read a student's blog. She mentioned something about me in it. She said I was her "inspirator" earlier this year and then somehow she can't seem to get close to me now. I won't go on to describe everything about me and her since day 1 this year, but this has sparked off some thoughts on my end.

There is only one me. This one teacher, with so many other students in my charge. I want to reach out to all of them but there will always be some that I will miss out along the way. Apart from this girl from my class, I also have this other girl from the Sec 2 class who wrote a 13-page journal to me telling me her experiences and problems, and asking me to be her companion and listening ear. Of course, I will not reject her. I replied her journal (mine was only 4 pages long) and tried to get her to understand if I am not able to reply as promptly as I would like to as I can be really busy sometimes. The same goes for all the other students of mine. How I wish I have 48 hours a day or something and that I can have time to do my work and spend time with them as well.

Kids these days don't seem to relate to their parents very well. It's strange because I would think that it would be my generation's parents that have generation gaps with us. Kids these days have parents that are relatively young and as such, they are probably better eduated and speak English as well. Shouldn't these kids relate more easily with their parents? It seems not so. They also don't seem to be able to just have friends their age. They seem to be crying out for adult attention and guidance. They question life, behaviour, emotions and moods and they need adults to explain these complicated concepts to them. It's draining to be a teacher if you're the kind whom they look to for such advice.

I can't find it in my heart to refuse them or say "sorry I've got no time to speak to you". My door is always open but I may be occupied with something and thus am unable to entertain them. It makes me wonder if I am doing what I came into teaching to do.

I won't go all out to try to reach into every one of their lives, but I am defintely not comfortable to know that there are students who feel like I have shunned them and that I do not care. I do care. A lot. It's just that sometimes my hands and either full or tied up. They need to understand this and I need to forgive myself if I can't spend enough time with them.

However, I believe in the abundance of love. I believe that I have so much love to give and to spread around and I do not need to withhold any for fear that it will run out. I must learn, in the small spaces that I have with my time now, to reach out to my students, even if it is in the smallest possible ways. A sweet, a card, a smile, a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a greeting along the corridor, a compliment, a lollipop, a wave....these are small ways of saying "I know you exist". I must learn.

The power of music

Ever listen to songs that make you feel a certain way? I'm not talking about those happy songs that will put a smile on everyone's faces, but the kind of songs that somehow seem to mean something to you in a very special way.

I've been listening to this particular chinese song by Candy Lo and I'm totally addicted to it. Downloaded it from the net and I've been playing it on my pc since last night on repeat. I even went to bed with it turned on. There are 2 versions. One in chinese and another in Cantonese (sung together with Wang Li Hong). I can't tell what they're singing about but the tune is just so sad. Makes me want to cry like I'm watching a tear-jerking movie.

Cantonese songs have a way of transporting me to a totally different realm altogether. They make me want to visit Hong Kong. They make me want to go to Redang Island (cos Malaysians speak Canto and sing Canto-pop Karaoke). They make me feel like dropping everything I have in this career to try something totally different. Oh my goodness...the power of music.

I've also been playing the theme song of Infernal Affairs (by Andy Lau and Tony Leung) non-stop on my pc. Been sitting here trying to catch the parts where Tony sings. Suddenly the teeny-bopper star-crazed girl in me sprang out and I started doing an internet search for Tony's fan-webby. I scrolled through photos of him and just thought "wow...cute". I've been Tony's fan since my secondary school days, when I was an ardent follower of of the "Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre" TVB series. I have not been doing any "fan-inspired" stuff for years. I used to collect his posters and articles on him whenever they appeared in the chinese version of 8-days back in the late 80's. So searching the internet for his pictures just for the sake of ogling felt a little odd and out-of-place 'cos....wtf, I'm 30 this year man!! *silly grin*

ARgh!! Listening to "Infernal Affairs" song now....I want to go to Hongkong!!

(It's 10min to 12midnight now. I have not done any of the marking that I brought home tonight.)

They died for all free men.

Personal reflections at the Kranji War Memorial - Verity and Ben.

Kranji War Memorial is a beautiful and immensely peaceful place. I took a walk down the rows of tombstones and stopped every now and then to read the names and ages of those who died in WWII. There is such a poignant mix of emotions and I can't quite describe it very well. I feel a sense of pride and awe at the courage and bravery of the men who died. I feel the pain that their family must still feel for having lost them in the war. I feel a pang of sadness for the young lives lost in battle. (some were as young as 18) I feel a sense of gratitude to these men who died so that we can enjoy peace for so many years and we are so much more tolerant of our differences.

The visit to the memorial was indeed a good one for our kids and the NZ kids. Delwyn did a beautiful job by saying something like "these men died so that we can be friends today". And we all observed a minute of silence as a mark of respect for the men.

"ding!"

I am hit by a sudden urge to let go of my entire teaching career to pursue another love - the outdoors. I don't care about the pay cut (just a change of lifestyle will do) and I don't care about the prospects that I probably have in my current position at work. The thought of taking up diving again and going all the way to becoming a master diver so that I can gain employment as a dive master and take fellow divers for diving trips as a living is just SO appealing right now. The thought of doing something out of pure love for it is beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching too. But along with teaching comes stress, monday blues, the dread of meetings, not being able to complete marking in time, exams, setting papers, typing minutes, disciplining kids day-in-day-out, the rigidity in the f*cking system... get the idea? I don't have to face any of this if I am doing something like diving!

When I was at Redang last month, we thought about the jobs that those "snorkelling boys" had. Man....to be snorkelling in the beautiful waters every day, to take digital photos and deal with the photo-enhancements to get them ready for print and orders, to conduct briefing sessions before you take a group of snorkellers out to sea, to be in touch with nature all the time, and not to mention a healthy tan all year round. To do all this for a living is blissful! Sure, the pay isnt much (I suppose) but the job perks are in the job itself. At least to me. Here's a job that has very little stress (at least from my angle)...I mean, I don't imagine the job to have the same stress that I face everyday now.

Do I have the courage to give it all up? I love teaching too. But I will never know if I could do well in something else if I don't ever try, right? How??? What am I cut out to do in this world? What is my contribution? What do I get in return?

Carp Diem!!

Now I understand

Excuse the dirt stuck all over yeah...

Wore the wrong pair of shoes today. The front part was just too tight and both my feet were squashed into it resulting in the fold on the soles of my feet! OW!!!!! They hurt like hell now and I'm walking around the house as if I have 2 huge blisters on my feet. They're a little swollen as you can see. They really hurt!

Now I understand how baby feels when he gets pain on stumpy. I mean, the folds on stumpy are like permenant! While walking about in those killer tight shoes, I thought about how painful it must be for him when stumpy hurts and he still has to walk. I really hobbled my way home.

Nothing much to report about school for today. The same old usual stuff. Our New Zealand friends are coming tomorrow and I'm all excited about it! I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything will run smoothly as planned and the weather will be kind to us. Am looking forward to the visit to Kranji War Memorial on Thursday cos I've never been there myself and I saw some real nice pictures of the place. Intend to do a little photo shoot there myself if I can sneak in the time this Thursday.

AXN is showing 5 episodes of Lost back-to-back from 12pm EVERY SATURDAY!! This is SO COOL. Imagine spending Saturday afternoons lazing in the couch in front of the TV with your favourite programme. Woohoo!!

I watched till Episode 14 on his computer last weekend. Everytime the show title "LOST" comes on near the front part of each episode, I would turn down the music and pull out the earplugs from my ears. I don't like that part cos its spooky.

I'm reading again...

Three books I bought from Borders today :

1) Raise the Red lantern - Su Tong (Zhang Yi Mou made this into an award-winning film in 1992 starring Gong Li)

2) The Sorror of War - Bao Ninh (a war novel with good reviews)

3) The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night Time - Mark Haddon.

I'm beginning to read the one on the dog. It's quite good!

Ah Chek and Ah Cheks

I saw Ah Chek while on the way home on the cab just now. He was crossing the road and he was quite close to the cab. I could have wound down the window to say hello to him but the lights had turned green and there would not be enough time for him to realise who I am, or for me to explain and jolt his memory. I didn't want to risk him thinking that I was some crazy girl trying to pick him up! haha...

Anyway, as the cab started to move away, I sat back and poignant memories of school-bus-life came to my mind. I remember this particular Ah Chek well because he had ever caned me for something I did not do and I cried out because I felt misunderstood and not cos it was painful or what. I was just moving towards the door of the bus to say bye to my friend as she got off the bus and he thought I was trying to be funny with the door of the bus. The next thing I knew, I felt a sharp pain on my upper arm and when I turned around, I realised that I had been caned by him! I was upset and cried, but because of my pride, I tried to hide the tears by covering my face.

My, has has certainly aged. He looked alot older and he still has that thick black George Lam moustache on his upper lip. I tried to count the number of years it has since been...and wow...it's been TWENTY years!! He is still driving buses now cos he had crossed the road from the heavy-vehicle carpark.

We were a noisy bunch. I wonder how he tolerated our chatter, laughter and monkey tricks (we were not nicknamed the Monkey Girls' School for no reason) while still driving the bus, maintaining his sanity and ensuring that we all arrived safely back home/to school.

There are a couple of other school bus drivers that I remember very clearly. There was Mr Lee (He fetched me to school when I was in Primary 1) and he had very big and yellow teeth. He used to ask me questions like "Hui hui, ni hui bu hui" and he would give me funny replies when I saied whether I "hui" or "bu hui".

Then there was Hock Seng. THE Mr Hock Seng who owns a fleet of buses to ferry us MG gals. He would not remember us by name but by our house or block number. I naturally became 2-5-7. We were all very irritated by his number-calling cos we felt like we were not treated like humans. There were always loud protests from us girls whenever he called us by number but it was always in jest and he would joke along.

Then there was Hock Seng's father. I've ever been ferried by him to school on many occasions. This old man likes to roll up his T-shirt all the way and let it rest on top of his belly. He kind of looked like one of the Taoist deities with the large belly. He also shaved his head "botak" and he looked odd cos his hair was all grey and white. He was a nice man. Very grandfatherly.

We had a couple of other bus drivers but none quite as significant as these few. I do remember there was a younger driver who was quiet and did not really communicate with us on the bus and we nicknamed him Lizard because we thought he simply looked like one.

I think my school life was made more fun because of the school bus-rides.

The past week

It has been hectic!! The past week has been terrible for me. It's only been five days and I've disciplined more than 10 students, expelled 1, spoken to 3 parents, burnt 74 cds for the band, did 1 slideshow with about 150 slides for the band, bought 37 towels and tied them up with ribbons...all these on top of teaching and preparing for my lessons.

I'm tired!! Been sleeping at about 2-3am everyday and waking up at 5.45am.

The promotion ceremony was good last night. The kids had fun and I really felt that all my effort to make it memorable for them was worth it. All children should have fond memories of school. No matter what nonsense they gave the teachers, as long as they have never been really naughty, I think they deserve to have fond memories. I almost cried a few times when they gave me real long hugs....Gosh...I will miss them!!

Baby was real sweet last night...he cooked noodles for me and we had it with fried chicken over Da Vinci Code on National Geographic last night. I was so sleepy I kept dozing off in front of the tv. Just before I went to bed, he came into the room with a glass of milk for me..felt all mushy and loved. I slept like a log...the moment my head touched the pillow, I was over and out. Poor baby did not sleep a wink last night. partly the heat, partly me, I supposed. He didn't have much space to sleep. Tonight...I promise...a foot rub for my baby and the whole bed to himself!

Going to school today. I need to get some stuff.