It can't get any neater!

I took me a whole day. I didn't think it would but it did.

Here's the result :















check out the new shelves for my bags.
















I changed my bedsheets too...

















I even vacuumed my chair.


Ok. It can't get any neater than this!

Oh, I also washed a whole lotta dresses that I've left aside for far too long.

I decided to pack away some old bags. Will be taking them downstairs later. It will definitely be sorted out and the good ones will be picked out by some people. This is what I realised. If my stuff ain't too old/dirty and I don't have a need for them anymore, I'd pack them up and leave them downstairs, near the bin. Someone will somehow come take what he/she needs. So, at least those items do benefit someone else, if not me. I do this for my clothes, bags and shoes.

Wow....my hands feel tired. Too weak even to type. So much for all the cleaning, packing, dusting and vacuuming!

Now my room looks more decent. More like my little haven.

update on checklist

1) Staff ranking and appraisal
2) O level E Maths Prelim Paper 2 marking
3) EL CA2 Marking (Composition)
4) EL CA2 Marking (Grammar Test)
5) EL CA2 Marking (Reading Test)
6) OBS Sabah admin matters
7) EL SA2 3NA Paper 2 Marking
8) Keying in of all marks for all CA and SA
9) O level E Maths preparation for 4N1 (sigh... not sure if they actually bother)
10) SEM admin mattes
11) Handle student's case (XXH)
12) Eagles Awards
13) Update CIP hours for student leaders
14) Student Leadership Programme 2007
15 ) Any other matters that I've left out.......

The race

I've just discussed the Maths results with the Curriculum Consultant (CC). Apparently, the rest of the students who took the same paper did pretty well so moderation may not happen at all (because moderation should be applied to the entire cohort).

As we discussed and looked through the results, we tried to see if there was any student whom we could help. There were only about two. As for the rest, the CC's reaction was one of shock and concern.

I KNOW the maths results will affect their overall N level results. As it is, these results, when converted to their N level grades, will not be helpful for many of them. Quite a handful for a grade 4. Which means that they will have to work really hard for their other subjects in order to select the best 3 to make an overall of 10 points or below. They can't count on their Maths anymore.

I've tried warning the class about it before - about how important these results will be. Perhaps many of them feel that it is all ok because they stand to gain if they use their O level prelim results (The least they would get is an N level grade 4, which is still a pass grade). I don't know...

The worst thing is, I felt really lousy as I was talking to the CC. She expressed her concerns over their terrible results and I felt like every comment was a punch in my stomach. I feel like I have not done my part as a teacher. I feel like I should have done more to help my students do better for these prelim exams. Then again, what more can I do? I've done SO MUCH! In my limited time, amidst all the other responsibilities and duties that I have, I feel that I have done alot on my part to help them, as a class and individually.

Sadly, I still feel like I am to be blamed.

I looked through the scripts again to make sure that I can award marks wherever I could. To ensure that I have not left anything out. To help them as far as I can. I've looked through these scripts about 3 times so far. Just to see if I could help them by being a little less strict, by awarding method marks whereever I could.... but it's really tough because of the nature of the scripts. Their answers are not fluent and methods are not clear enough for any marks to be awarded.

I've done my part in trying to help them by changing the level of strictness of marking.

Sigh... I feel lousy. Really lousy. I feel like I'm not fit to be a teacher. I've failed to instil self-discipline in them. I've caused some of them to be too reliant on my help in order to get their work done. I've not bee strict and stern enough on some of them. I've allowed some of them to slack too much. I should have monitored like a hawk. Called parents whenever I can.

I feel lousy because others are going to see the results and point their fingers at me. I'm going to be questioned. The principal is going to be so shocked.

I can imagine all the comments that will be made ....

"These people do not have their 'N' level maths to fall back on?"...

"Oh dear, we have done a great disservice to them. They ought to have registered for 'N' level maths if their results for the O level prelims are going to be like that"...

"Were they told of the consequences?"

"We should be prepared if parents call to question what we have done"

Sigh...

Tell me....have I done enough for 4N1? Or have I not? Why don't they heed advice? Why don't they do their work? Why can't they be serious about their work? Why don't they take all the practice that I give to them seriously? Why don't they listen in class? Why don't they ask when they don't know? Why can't they be hardworking? Why can't they study hard? Why don't they try to put their shoes into mine and see it from my perspective? Why don't they understand? Why don't they work?!?!

Sigh....I feel like I've failed.

I thought of seeing them through to Sec 5, then I consider resigning or taking my sabatical leave.

Now, I'm not sure if I have it in me to see them through the 'O' levels. Do I have what it takes? If so, do I have the stamina to handle them?

Maybe a more consumate teacher would help them fare better. Maybe that teacher isn't me.

I've tried. I've tried to be understanding, to listen, to help, to get to know them individually, to open my teacher-heart to them and to love them like they're my own younger cousins or my own children.

At the end of the day.....what is it all for if I can't produce results from them? Results. That's what they're here in school to get. Good results to take them to the next level of their education.

Can I help them acheive their results? I've tried for almost 2 years.... the results don't show it. All my effort has gone down the drain...all the time I spent with them as a class, in group remedials, helping them individually, over the phone, after school, even over MSN... sigh...

I need energy. I need to see that they're still willing to run that last mile with me. I have my running shose ready. But I need to know that they're ready to run too. I need to know that they've worked their own muscles well enough to be ready for this last sprint....I need to know that they've done their warm-ups...

4N1, are you ready for the race, or are you not? Because in life, no one will slow down for you...the rat race has begun.

Lifeline, please.

The truth is, I feel very misunderstood. Maybe it's not good to talk about such issues because the message gets misinterpreted.

The truth is, I don't know how to help my class anymore. "Huey, there's only so much that you can do"... this advice has come from so many others. It's finally beginning to sink into me now.

I've learnt a few important things today :

1. I can't be a superwoman.

2. If their parents cannot control them, what makes me think that I can?

3. Even if I was able to inspire others before, it doesn't mean that it works with every student.

4. I must learn to alter my expectations so that I can protect myself from the pain and frustrations when my expectations are not realised.

5. Sometimes, they need to go through it to know it. No amount of advice, warning or scolding can prevent it.

Sigh.... A and H was simply having a good time chit chatting during the paper today. I had my exam papers to grade. I ignored them. I noticed how G was taking the paper rather seriously and I told myself to be glad that at least a small handful still bother. I really should look at those who bother and be happy, rather than look at those who can't be bothered and be angry. Doesn't make it any easier when the other teachers don't reinforce the importance of the prep exam to the kids.

Someone help me to see the light!!!! Please?

I shared my frustrations with J today and I was misunderstood. Perhaps in a fit of anger I was not very sensitive with my choice of words, but it was certainly not an attack on J. Nevertheless, it was misunderstood and taken rather badly. What can I do? I don't think the main crux of my worries and frustrations were properly communicated and understood. Perhaps I should never speak to anyone when I'm angry or frustrated.

I'm trying hard not to worry about them. Something tells me that they can't wait to be on their study leave next week. Something tells me that those 4 days will be packed with more slack and fun than with study and exercises. Well, it is beyond my control and I won't be able to know if they really studied or did they go out to play, sun tan, shop, celebrate birthdays, have BBQs, maple, sleep, watch tv, chat online, play pool, have late nights out, etc...

Oh god... why do I worry so much? Why do I even bother??

I took the attendance for the prep exam paper today. Honestly, the issue must be raised. The poor attendance and attitude should be reported. Honestly, I am tired of doing all this. Other teachers don't bother. At the end of the day, students think that they can get away with it all because their misbehaviour slips through out fingers. Should I raise the issue to their Dean? Will it make any sense? Will it work? Will it change them? Aren't I just adding on more trouble to the Dean? Creating problems for myself to handle? Having heartache and anger for nothing? Is it meaningful at all? Should I submit the attendance and let the Dean handle it? (I'm SO GLAD I'm not the Dean anymore because I will simply DIE) Why should I bother so much when the subject teacher did not even raise the issue? If I don't report this, what kind of message are we sending out to those offenders? That it's ok to skip classes? That you're going to sit for your major exams and we don't dare to scold you because we're afraid that we'll affect your mood, mindset and preparation? That all graduating students are given so much leeway?

I have to stop thinking so much.... sigh...

Throw me a lifeline, anyone.

I'm dying with all the marking. I have reports to type for the school magazine and I'm putting them on hold as far as I can. I woke up today with a splitting headache but I still dragged myself to school because I have lessons that I cannot afford to miss. Panadol extra with coffee is a saviour.

I need a break.

I'm not having a good time. No I'm not.

I can't help but feel that I'm either being taken for granted or being ignored. I do not think that my efforts with them are noticed.

To my form class : Study. Please.

OH CHRIST. I just got a phonecall. The class photo vendor is here and they want to collect the payment and orders for the class photos. I just told my class chairperson to chase after the rest for the money and to give them to me tomorrow. So now, I can fork out the additional money first but I don't have the order form with me. What the hell. What do I do?? I got to stop writing now and pop over next door to apologise. WHY AM I THE ONE DOING ALL THE DAMN ADMIN FOR THIS CLASS !?!?!?!?!

No one appreciates what I do. That's how I feel.

Work

1) Staff ranking and appraisal
2) O level E Maths Prelim Paper 2 marking
3) EL CA2 Marking (Composition)
4) EL CA2 Marking (Grammar Test)
5) EL CA2 Marking (Reading Test)
6) OBS Sabah admin matters
7) EL SA2 3NA Paper 2 Marking
8) Keying in of all marks for all CA and SA
9) O level E Maths preparation for 4N1 (sigh... not sure if they actually bother)
10) SEM admin mattes
11) Handle student's case (XXH)
12) Eagles Awards
13) Update CIP hours for student leaders
14) Student Leadership Programme 2007
15 ) Any other matters that I've left out.......

I feel so strangled.

I'm the only one...

Argh! I don't think I should read their blogs anymore. Reading their blogs make me realise that they DON'T STUDY!

How can they blog about wanting good results for their N levels, and yet spend the entire day/night out having fun? I'm telling you, I'm baffled.

Hard work = good results. Doesn't take a genuis to know this.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (Or something like that) One of Newton's laws. Don't study hard enough? Then don't expect to pass or to even do well!

I'm tired of being possibly the only one who CARES about their results.

Funny thing is, they think they've studied hard enough. They think that whatever they have studied for their prelims is good enough (Oh nevermind the bad results, I studied ok) They think that whatever effort they are putting in right now, being the fact that it is more than whatever effort they've ever put into their studies in their entire life, is enough.

I'm sorry. You're sadly mistaken.

When are you going to start revising for your exams? Can't you postpone the fun till after that? Just a few more weeks to go, you know?

Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with having a good balance. All work and no play is not the solution at all. But mind you.... it's having a good balance. Honestly... you touch your heart and you answer this question to yourself. Not to me. To yourself. Are you balancing your work and play? Sure you're playing hard enough. Are you studying hard enough?

Sigh... fellas, I'm on the verge of giving up trying to get you all to understand.

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES?!