Ahhhh.....I have fixed up the wires, neatened them, and I even fixed up the CanoScan that I got from him. Only thing was that I was unable to obtain a driver for the scanner. So I am downloading the driver from the net right now. Yes, I can be pretty anal when it comes to doing such things. I really had the drive to do the wiring mess behind my peecee and under my table. After much stretching and crouching, I finally got it all done. I think its a blessing that I am small enough to fit under my table comfortably. I can sit cross-legged under my table without hunching my back much. Pretty cool huh? Pretty short too.... haha..

Darling was still not well when I left his place just now. His nose was still runny and his eyes were all watery. But despite all the discomfort he had, he was still able to joke around with me and laugh with me. That's so sweet....if I were sick, I'd be all quiet and moody....

Ok drivers are downloaded. Going to get my scanner connected now!

Friday, 29 March 2002
So we went down to SLS again today to buy a new casing for his new board. We were such meticulous consumers! We went to a few shops to look for the casing we wanted. Imagine, the price ranged from as high as $118 to as low as $75! We got the best deal...the $75 one that came bundled with SIX free fans. Fans for the internal parts of the peecee. Not for the bedroom ok. Anyway, after fixing and fixing, troubleshooting and all that, even reformatting the HD, something somwhere was somehow still wrong....

Saturday, 30 March 2002
This morning, I set up the new external 2/4 USB port, new keyboard and new optical mouse that I bought. Decided that I need to get a new extension cord and wire fasteners to tidy up the whole mess of wires under my table. New extension cord will make connecting the scanner and the external zip drive easier. So we met up at west mall when he knocked off from work. I managed to get everything from the DIY shop there. Then we packed Fish Head Bee Hoon home for lunch.

Darling is down with flu. He was running a fever when we got home. I gave him some panadol and water after lunch and he took a nap four about 4 hours. During that time, I managed to complete a substantial amount of my marking. I really had the mood to mark so that increased my marking speed almost 3-fold. He looked better after the rest and we had dinner. Then we got down to tackling his peecee problem. We have decided that we will drag the machine down to SLS together and get some computer nerd to fix it for us.

ok where to begin? let's see...

Had school sport heats on Wednesday till 5:30pm. Then I went home to shower and we met up at City Hall. Had a very romantic, very ethnic and not to mention very fattening dinner at Kinara's. Delicious. And he had so many interesting stories to tell me about the place cos he worked there for some time previously. My dear knows quite abit about North Indian cuisine man! He bought a big, bright and beautiful sunflower for me...my fav flower!! heehee....

Thursday, 28 March 2002.
I completed my exam papers and handed them in today. What Sam said really got to me. He said, "if you want to enjoy your long weekend, then you better get your exam papers done by Thursday" I got so motivated by that statement that I have handed in my exam papers way before the deadline (which is on Monday, April Fools' Day (how apt). After school, we met up at SLS to get some of his computer stuff. Bought the motherboard and some other stuff and went home to fix up the whole thing. Hey, I know about fixing up a peecee ok. My own peecee at home is a unique combination of different parts that I purchased. So well, we fixed the whole thing up but somehow something somewhere didn't work. What's more, his old casing was too small for the new mother...

Its slightly pass midnight now. I recieved quite a few messages on my handphone from my friends. Even got some messages on icq too. But the person I really wished to hear it from has not messaged or said "Happy Birthday" yet, even as we spoke over the phone just awhile ago. My phone's quiet now. There are no friends online on icq. I tell myself that I am blessed ....so many people messaged me already. I even got an email from Theresa.

But I can't help but wonder why. It's something so simple. And it's almost childish to be feeling this way now. I know. But I still feel this bit of disappointment. Not too much. Just a bit. I try to think of reasons. Maybe today has been kept at such a low profile between us that it seems to be just another day that passes, that goes unnoticed. Maybe its forgetfulness (but I did mention that I want to go for a special dinner with you to pamper myself since I have my bonus this month and all that....I thought that might kind of "remind" you?) Maybe you have bigger plans or surprises for me tomorrow? Why do I bother myself to think so much? I am so paranoid. I'm just disappointed.

I sensed a barrier just now. Please tell me I imagined it. I sense the barrier since this evening. I don't know why. Maybe you're stressed by the computer. Maybe you're not too sure how to feel after having written that email. Maybe you're not sure of what my reaction is to your email. Maybe you're a little on the apprehensive mood. Maybe you were trying to sense how I feel before you can relax. I'm not upset by the email, nor by the issue. Not at all, ok dear?

Oh what the heck. Why feel disappointed? I should count my blessings instead....

What are your views? What is your opinion? Do you really think so? Is it the norm for you? What could that mean? What does it mean to you? Nothing? Really?

Questions questions questions....

Should take it easy....

I'm sleepy. I should get to bed now. I was very awake after the shower just now but but now I'm starting to doze off at irregular intervals.

Suddenly I'm afraid to blog. I don't know who gets to read this. I don't know if I should say certain things here. I don't know if I'm exposing too much of my private thoughts in here. There are some things I would really like to blog down for my own personal keepsake, but I don't want anyone to see it. I toyed with the idea of starting a private blog. Just my blog and me. No one else. But I have not got the time to do that yet. So right now, most of those private thoughts are all still swimming in my head. Maybe they'll remain there forever, or maybe I'll start a new blog. Who knows?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

?????????????????????????

Have not blogged for so many days. Have not been able to stay awake enough at night after I come home to blog. I normally just fall asleep in front of the peecee once I log on. Yeah. Just put my head on the table while waiting for the machine to rumble into life and I konk out.

Sleep disorder!! woohoo!!

We went MU last night. Been such a super long time since I last went clubbing. Not so much in the mood for retro sounds now. But I guess it wasn't that bad last night. I don't think I could do retro every weekend though.

I enjoy dressing up for clubbing. Bimbotic huh? hah...I guess I don't get the chance to play around with the make-up everyday. I mean, I could, but whats the point of pain-stakingly putting all that stuff on my face when after half an hour at work it melts off?

I lurve mascara.

So I did some ironing and some housework today. What a good girl I am. Going over to his place later and I'm bringing the Zip Drive along.

Need to be disciplined. Need to set my exam papers before this thursday if I want to enjoy my long weekend. *struggle*

You stood by me
I felt so loved
and pampered

You hugged me
I felt so protected
and warm

You held my hand
I felt so assured
and comforted

You kissed me
And my heart soared
I touched the sky

School begins tomorrow. I'm stressed.

I'm glad she liked the gift we bought for her birthday...

Hey, I didn't get to try the coke-and-baileys aka coke-float drink!

Met Wyn and his girlfriend at Marina after our dinner. Man!! He has put on so much weight! You should have seen his face when I told him that! hahahahaha!! I would like to put up a photo of him for you guys to see. It was taken years ago when he had not yet ballooned up. But I guess I wouldn't do that, 'cos its not fair to him!

Anyway, who hasn't ballooned up before? Want to see a ballooned picture of me? I got plenty...but hey, fat hope. I'm trying to put it all behind me..hah!

I got hold of "Communion With God" by Neale Donald Walsh at the book fair last night. All I had to do was to open it, begin reading, and I couldn't put it down. Yes, it's that good. The author has written "Conversations with God" books 1,2 and 3. I have all three. I have not completed any. Not just because I hardly read now, but also because its that kind of book where you will the same parts read over and over again without getting sick of it. This is the only book that I have written that talks about God in the simplest and most logical way. It addresses every doubt I had about the religion. And it doesn't preach the religion at all. At the end of the day, I feel as

What a load of crap....just me and my thoughts...I began to bore myself halfway as I was typing all that. Can you believe it?

We caught A Beautiful Mind last night. It's a true story. What I find amazing is the power of the love of a wife and her faithfulness towards her husband, even in times where her own safety seemed to be at risk. She stuck through with him in those darkest moments.

"Prove to me that something extraordinary can happen..."

I think it takes a crisis to bring out true friendship, true love, dedication and faithfulness. Don't tell me you're my good friend during "peace time". When I'm really in need, are you really going to be there? If I need money, will you lend me your hard-earned savings? If I need blood or even a kidney, will you donate yours?

These are tough questions to answer. Of course, I do not mean that only a "yes" answer to those questions would mean that the friendship is true and strong. If that's really the case, then what if we don't ever fall into any crisis in life? Does that mean we will never know who our true friends are? No...

It's sincerity. Sincerity comes from the heart. Sincerity can be felt. Basically, if we are all sincere towards each other, then we can trust that we will be there for each other whether in "peace time" or not. I have many friends. Many whom I call my good friends. Some of whom I hardly get to see regularly, but we know in ourselves that when we meet up, the bond is still there and the talk is endless. I would like to believe that we are all sincere towards each other. We may never go through any major crisis to prove our friendship but what we have now is trust.

I have met many beautiful people. "True beauty spings from the heart and dwells in the eyes" These people have stood by me during my darkest moments, entertained my distress phonecalls in the middle of the night, sat with me for coffee till the wee hours of the morning, listened to my stories and gave me their views, opinions and the strength to face up to the darkness. You know who you are. Thank you for being you.

This is what I mailed to all my colleagues at work, even my bosses. I was listening to J tell me how she was treated by the management during the school holidays over some extremely minor issue. We were cautioning her about being extra careful from now on as it seems that the management has something against her and they are going all out to look for her faults, no matter how minor. We have seen that happen to our fellow colleagues. The thing is, we can find fault in everyone on almost any issue in school. It's up to the management whether they want to bring up these faults and highlight them or not. One of our colleagues got it real bad and he was forced to resign.

Anyway, below is the email that I just sent out to everyone at work. I did not bother to put in the attachment. I don't really care if anyone is going to find fault in my email. (You'll be surprised, they CAN do that ok) But hey, can you catch the subtle hints that I tried to drop regarding certain issues?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

this is for the well-being of our soul....I find this email attachment very meaningful.

Just some of my random thoughts...

Sometimes amidst our busy work schedules, we do tend to forget how to live and not just exist. Life isn't just about work alone. Especially for us, if we begin to treat what we do as work, then we would have lost the focus of what teaching is all about.

We are teachers. Our most important responsibility is to ensure that our students get the education that they deserve, that we impart our skills in our various areas to them, that we teach and nurture the right vales in them through different activities so that when they leave us, they are better prepared to face the trials of their own lives on their own. I believe we have all done so, and that should be our greatest pride and satisfaction. All the others are nitty gritty non-related issues that should be deemed as less significant as compared to the "helicopter view" of us being educators, don't you thnk?

Amidst our busy schedules, we might have forgotten that we must take care of ourselves and our soul. Do take some time to read this email that I got from a very good friend of mine. I hope it will somehow help to eradicate some of your stress, if you are in any way stressed.

Term 2 is beginning soon. Take care, everyone.

Smiles
HH

Ok...I absolutely have to blog before I go to bed tonight!!

We were supposed to go swimming on Wednesday night but we ended up going to Queensway to shop around. Found a pair of Oakley spectacle frames and he bought them for me. My birthday gift!! *happy happy happy* Thereafter we went to Ikea and I bought the white travel rug for Mart (his birthday was on Tuesday.) He bought a frame so that we can frame up our drawings. I told him that I have framed up 2 of the drawings he did for me, on top of the one he drew and framed for me.

I met up with Mart at City Hall starbucks today to pass him the present. Sat and chatted for awhile. Mart is very entertaining! He always has so many stories to tell about so many things. Most of the time I just sat there listening to him. We were just talking about how long we've known each other...ten years...TEN years! Man....it's been 10 years?! We talked about our college life and how much we still miss those carefree "pontang-maths-lecture" days. He remembers my birthdate too and yeah, we've never forgotten each other's birthdays, except that in the past few years of not being in constant contact, I guess we just remembered the dates but we never got each other any presents. Maybe just a message and well, on some of these years, a card. I was touched last year when he bothered to drive all the way to East Coast Park with Shyard to pass me my christmas present. I was at East Coast with darling. The present was from Shyard and him. That was very sweet. I did not get him any christmas present in return, but I got him a birthday gift this time! :-)

I had arranged to meet Ivlong at 6 at CityHall for dinner and so Ivlong got to meet Mart just now. We went ahead with our dinner and Mart left for his aerobics class at MITA. I have not met up with Ivlong for a long time. The last time we met up was for lunch just before he left for Australia in early December last year. Anyway, we caught up with each other. I told him about my dear and he shared with me about the girl he was having some problems with. Anyway, it was like the old days when we used to hang out with each other. I told him he needs time to be alone as he was getting too emotionally involved with the girl and it wasn't very healthy for him.

I thought of buying something for him. And a delicious piece of cake from Baker's Inn came to my mind. Home delivery! So I chose a slice and took a cab to his place to deliver the cake. Turned out that the cake required refrigeration so when it finally reached him, it was a little soft (soggy?) and melted. Nevertheless, we devoured the melted mess. (We thought of using a straw to suck it up, since it was THAT soggy...haha!) For those out there, my home delivery service is extremely exclusive...so dream on!!

Going for free bowling, movie (Ice Age) and pop corn tomorrow morning! It's a special, just for teachers (I think). Sam was given the form to fill up and there were only four places available so we all grabbed it! Will be meeting them at 8:45am at Orchard Cineleisure tomorrow. I cannot imagine that there will be a big bunch of teachers from different schools bowling and watching a movie together. Kind of geeky, don't you think? Eeks....anyway, who cares?! I'm getting it all FREE OF CHARGE!! hahaha!!!! *cheapo grinz*

The spectacle shop called as I was having dinner just now....my Oakleys are READY!!! Yippee!! Will be collecting my birthday present this Saturday! I'm so excited!!

I did it. I slept at 6:15am. I was up the whole night, uploading my band's pictures onto the web, into an account I created for the band. I've been thinking about a good way to let my students have the digital photos that I took during all the acitvities. Getting a CD writer and burning the photos onto CDs for them was one of the methods I thought of but it's a tedious task as there are too many members. So I decided last night that I would put them up on the web instead.

It was pretty tedious too. I had to look through all the pictures (I took about 350 pictures for each band activity, on average) and select some for uploading.

So you see, when we have the motivation, we can stay up one whole night just to get something done. I was actually very sleepy when I got home last night but once I got on the net and the idea came to me, I just got hooked and I didn't stop till 6am!

Motivation. It starts from within.

I took this picture during a Geography Field Trip that I went in June2001. It's a padi field in Johore Bahru. I love the blue skies and white fluffy clouds against the vast expanse of the green fields. It's beautiful. Not only that, this is such a peaceful place. All we could hear was the sound of the wind whooshing pass our ears. Other than that, there was absolute silence broken only by the occasional chirping of the birds flying pass.

Heaven on earth...

I felt that same old feeling just now. That feeling of being kicked in your stomach, that feeling of stupidity, of being "kept in the dark" and that feeling of self-realisation of having looked like a fool to others around me on certain occasions. I tried to take it easy, to be maganimous and to behave like it didn't matter. I guess I couldn't hide it too well.

Then he told me he was joking. But my thoughts and feelings were travelling so fast along that old familiar path that I couldn't stop in time to prevent myself from feeling it. I almost wanted to cry. I fought hard to prevent my imagination from running any further. It was that same feeling. I don't like that feeling. I wasn't upset about the issue that he had joked about. I was upset that I wasn't told the truth. That is what upsets me the most and cuts me the deepest. But since what he told me was meant to be a joke, I brushed it aside and let it pass, and continued eating my pizza.

I had wanted to talk about it when we were alone just now. But Iv called. He was upset and he needed to talk. Some relationship problem. I shouldn't have readily agreed to meet him up to talk but I did. It's probably my nature to immediately tend to my friends who are in need. I think he got upset because I agreed to meet Iv when just 5 minutes before the phonecall, we had arranged to go prawn fishing with his brother. Anyway, when Iv called again, I told him that I could only speak to him over the phone and we spoke for awhile.

What a series of events. He fell asleep while I was on the phone and he's still sleeping now. And I'm not having a good feeling about this whole evening. That same familiar feeling of fear has crept up in me again. Fear of what? I'm not sure.

Iv and I are meeting up tomorrow evening for dinner. He needs to take some time off from this girl he's been seeing. I messaged the rest asking if they want to meet up but one by one replied saying that they're not free.

I'm feeling uncertain now. To wake him up to talk? No...he's sleeping. I shouldn't disturb him. To wait for him to wake up and then talk? Well, provided it won't be too late or I might have to go home already. I don't want to wait till the time comes when I have to go home and we have not yet talked about this. The main reason is because I don't like to go home with the unsettled feeling in me.

Darling...I'm lost.

I've learnt how to add my own pictures into my own blogs. So will try to put in "interesting" photos for your viewing pleasure.

I did it. I did not go to school today for the band day-camp. Given the "old me", I would have gone to school to see if everything was ok. But I stayed away today. All I did was to message KC to ask if things were ok. I think sometimes you just got to ask yourself this question, "What's the worse case scenario should things go wrong? What would they do if you were not around anymore" And then you will realise that there are too many insignificant things in life, especially in work, that we worry about.

But there's always a danger of falling into the trap of being too complacent. I think I've been to both sides. To be extremely "on the ball" so much so that I stress myself out too much by being too much of a perfectionist, and to be so very "relac on corner" that I absolutely do not do anything extra and beyond and I only did the barest minimum to keep my ass covered.

We were just talking about something like that today. I guess it is indeed difficult to motivate yourself when you are unable to draw any motivation from the environment you work in. But I always believe in this, that ultimately, motivation and conviction comes from yourself, from your heart. We have to hold on to our principles and discharge our duties with responsibility. Take pride in our work. Understand that no matter how insignificant the assignment may seem to you from your "narrowed" perspective of it, we must always take a few steps back and look at the "big picture", the "bird's eye view" of the entire project, and see how your work has contributed to it.

I have so much to say about this but I think I will end here for now.

The resilient sheep. I'm surprised it didn't faint after taking that deep inhale...
Photo was taken in 1999 during a trip to the zoo after the exams. As you can see, my Doc Marts were still pretty new....

"What's a squadron?" she asked
*blank look for 6 seconds*
"errr...its kind of hard to explain..."

Drama-mama kind of opera was happening over at my grandma's just now. Things are kind of settled for tonight. But I have to get my two cousins out for dinner tomorrow to have a chat with them regarding the whole issue. It involved the whole household.

Just watched 13ghosts (or was it thirteenth ghost??) with KS and Chris. Not a very scary show. Kind of thrilling but not realistic at all. Many loopholes in the story. But for those who love blood and gore, you'll enjoy watching how the humans are killed.

Band camp was not too bad. I'm tired of handling the kids' friendship problems within the band. I got a million and one things to handle and those minor problems (eg "Liza say I learn very slow and she's too impatient to wait for me to catch up") are the last thing I have on my priority list! I specifically ensured that everyone knew what their duties were and I even wrote out a memo for my co-teacher-in-charge to inform her about what was happening, just so that I could really set my mind at ease on Monday because I do not intend to go to school on Monday. So there. I have Monday free so that I can accompany him to the hospital to see the doctor. *smiles* All the effort to lay out the instructions clearly and to type out the memo are not wasted! heh...

I had my fever the entire of today. Felt kind of weak but I could still walk around so I just simply ignored the feeling and went on with whatever that I had to do. I even went out of the school to buy buns for 70 kids' tea time. All in the hot afternoon sun at 2:40pm! It's no surprise if I should get heat stroke or something.

For all the busy things I had to run up and down do today in school, I was really looking forward to spending the evening with him and maybe his family at east coast for a night of relaxing fishing-cum-camping. Was disappointed to learn that plans had changed. But anyhow, I decided to make good use if my time with...more work. I stayed in school until 11pm just now. (There were 4 other groups of CCA having their overnight camps in school) I did quite a lot of work and I'm quite please with myself. Then KS messaged asking if Chris and I were interested in the movie and I just thought, "Why not?" So we met up for that *yawn* movie.

Jen, I just got the email you sent to all your friends. I'm glad what I blogged affected you positively! *smiles*

To my dearest friends, thanks again for taking the time to read all these. I will strive to fill it with meaningful stuff, besides all the complains and whining that I do ever so often in here!

It feels good to come home to a neat and tidy room. I took the trouble to clean up my room today and yeah....enjoying the comforts of it now.

We helped his mum to cook dinner today. He fried the crabmeat-eggs and I did the vegetables. It was pretty decent, though I felt the leafy parts of the vegetables were a little too soggy.

I think I just met my quota for vegetable-frying for this year. I hardly cook! But that doesn't mean that I cannot cook ok....

I'm feeling better now. The anti-biotics are working though my nose is still blocked sometimes and there's still alot of phlegm.

Band camp tomorrow and I'm telling myself not to worry for nothing. I let my student leadesr handle the activities part and I just pray that things will go smoothly tomorrow. Its not easy to run games for 90 teenagers who are more concerned about how they look than about taking part in the activities. Teenagers can be difficult to handle, especially if they're the non-participative type. The problem is, most are.

Anyway, I'm going to try to "take the back seat" now and let them handle things on their own. After all, it's their band, not mine. Got to train the leadership skills and ultimately make my life easier.

Just cleared two drawers in my room full of little bags and stuff that I have been keeping for far too long. Problem is, they're too new to be thrown and they're still useful. So I re-packed them back into the drawers as neatly as I could.

I will surely earn alot if I sell my stuff in a flea market sale. Got LOTS of stuff. Is it a girl thing? To have countless bags and stuff? But....I still can't find a bag or accessory to match what I'm wearing!

argh....

I dreamt of my father last night. In my dream, I dreamt that I was dreaming. I saw him. He was wearing a beige and cream stripped polo t-shirt and light coloured pants. He looked plump and healthy. Just as he was when I was a little girl. I was sitting on a bench and he was next to me, on my left. I was clinging onto his arm and resting my cheek on his shoulder.

"Pa, how are you?'
"I'm ok. It's difficult to get the tickets."
"Tickets?"
"To take transport to come over to see you."
"What tickets? Why difficult to get?"
"They're costly and in high demand"
"Do you need anything Pa?"
"I need a car" *laughs*
"hah?"
"so I can come on my own. No need tickets."
"oh..."
*tears in eyes* "I miss you so much Pa"
*uses his left hand to pat my head*

Then I "woke up" from the dream in my dream.

Medical update : I am still slightly feverish. Still feeling weak. Have this miserable feeling in my stomach and I need a hug badly...

Hey! Dear, check this guy out...

One day we will scale the Nepal peaks and dive in the most beautiful reefs together...okie?

"...if we really need to go there, we don't neccesarily need a road. We need the will."

I love meat too much to become a vegetarian I suppose. I mean, I can go without meat for a long period. The longest period was that 100 days after my dad passed away. It was no problem for me. But I don't seem to be able to see myself giving up meat totally for my life.

We're all selfish. For my selfish taste buds, I cannot foresee myself giving up KFC, chicken rice, sweet n sour pork, BBQ sausages, pork chops etc etc etc. But I'm aware that the animal died for my stomach. Maybe its self-consolation, but I know at least that the animal was already dead, whether or not I was going to buy it or eat it. I mean, I did not directly choose for it to die. In other words, you will never find me standing in front of a fish tank at a seafood restaurant telling the waitress which fish I want, which crab I want, or which prawns I want. I cannot bear to look at it alive now and then on my plate in half an hour.

Hung upside down by shackles, thousands of chickens are killed every hour at the slaughterhouse.

Heard of factory farming?
"Factory farming is an attitude which regards animals and the natural world merely as commodities to be exploited for profit.
In animal agriculture, this attitude has lead to institutionalized animal cruelty, massive environmental destruction and resource depletion, and animal and human health risks."

I suppose there's little we can do to help. Not many of us can be a successful vegetarian. But we should be aware of what happens before the food is served on the plate. We may be the superior species in terms of evolution and intelligence. But being superior does not give us the right to rob other species of their right to a decent life before they die for our meals. Factory farming is far too extreme.

Mum's coming home to cook chicken porridge for me. I tried to sleep but just could not drift into dreamland. I'm worried about band camp on Saturday cos I realised there are quite a few things I have not done yet. Like loaning certain equipment from the school (hot water boiler, handballs, frisbees). Jay called to tell me about the caterer's charges to cater for tea and it was too pricey (beyond budget) so I decided only to cater for lunch, which means that I will have to go out during the camp to buy tea for the kids.

My fever is not going down. Feel weak miserable. Wish he was with me...

okie..I've been online for too long. *smack bottom* I'm suppose to be resting!

lalalalala....beautiful sunflowers dancing in the fields, waving their petals at me.

I bought a whole loaf of Bonjour Pandan bread from 7-11. Going to have bread all day..no pun intended *grins*

She has pretty eyes...

I'm sick. Just came home from seeing Dr Tay. Apparently the anti-biotics that she prescribed on Monday are not working.

Let me explain what's wrong with me. I had a bad throat after I came back from the camp last week. It felt like the usual thing I get every year : from a sore throat, to losing my voice and then full blast into a major gummy phelgmy cough together with a fever and the works. I got the throat under control (as in, I did not lose my voice) last week but the pain got worse so I saw her (Dr. Tay) on Monday. It seems that I have always had the problem in me. The yellowish phelgm that I see every morning (when I'm healthy) is apparently not normal. It's pus, she said. Gross. So she gave me anti-biotics to kill the germs.

I was feverish yesterday. The aircon in the staffroom, plus the 4 periods (2 hours 20 minutes) of computer lessons in the air-con lab of teaching and talking did not help the fever. To top it off, I had to bring a student to MITA for a storytelling competition in the afternoon. The fever only subsided in the evening. This morning when I woke up I was feverish again. I blew my nose and there was blood.

So I'm on two days mc. Yippee.

I must lose weight. I haven't got much "legs" to speak of, so I must not be too heavy so as not to put too much stress on my legs. They are, afterall, already in lack of length.

I do not know why the font of the text on the left looks bigger and thicker. I checked the html already! argh!!!! *pull hair*

*cough cough*

We must take care of our body, inside and outside. I'll start with my bones, I was telling him. Drink Anlene or something. Lots of calcium, good for the bones! Dear, you should drink it too, for your bones.

Ok, I'm going to surf around to download palm stuff.

I'm sick.

I have been in a foul mood at work lately. I think it began since I came back from the camp. I don't really know why. Maybe my patience for childish and pampered behaviour was really worn to the bone during that camp and my "wounds" are still raw and open till now. I've not been the teacher they knew before. I stress so much on discipline that my classes are considered to be very well-disciplined by general standards but I think I am setting my expectations too high on them. *sigh* The one week break from teaching next week will be good for me to really nurse that "wound" and restore my patience level.

They all asked me why I was in school. Why didn't I just go on MC? I just said that I had no choice but to go to school to teach because I cannot afford to miss school anymore. Come to think of it, I do have a choice. I COULD have chosen not to go to school. So I chose to go, so I should stop harping on how circumstances have trapped me and that I was "suffering" from lack of choice and lack of rest.

When I'm sick, I get abit whiney inside. This little person in me just wants or expects care and concern from those around me. Then I take a step back and remember that they are all busy with their own work and hey, I should stop feeling like they owe me something just because they're my friends! I should stop pitying myself.

Yeah. Self-pity. Stop.

That was why I was feeling miserable the first half of the day. Thereafter having realised that I was miserable because I made myself so, I stopped and the day brightened.

So I learnt something today.

yeah!! I'm using the Clie now! Just got it recharged...sorry dear I did not use it for soo long that all the battery went flat. Didn't expect the battery to deplete even when it's not in use. In other words, the data is all gone...I hope you have the back-up somewhere!

Hmpf...the games are gone....my bubble game!! argh....

I kinda know how to use it now. Just learnt about it by inserting the USB port and installing everything into my PC. I also managed to put some telephone numbers in and all that. It's exciting! Here's to a more organized me starting from today!

Ok better go sleep. New time-table (version 3 since school started) will be implemented tomorrow. Mine is a killer. Need to sleep....

Thinking of an omnimax movie...been a long time since we all went for one isn't it? The last time was in....primary school? Its pricey though..

Night!

under construction right now....yes I am awake at this hour and I am doing this html thing because its so fun. I'm also chatting with him on icq now. We haven't seen each other for today....

Okie...changed the colours and some other things around here. Just to learn abit more about html. I'm late to meet chris...

Hope you got the difference between the old place and my new home.

Have a fun weekend!

To my dear friends, I have moved this site to another place. Catch updates from there....see you around...

The date and "flower pollen" below are supposed to be dark blue!! Why aren't they? I've changed the template already! urgh....

I'm in the middle of reconstructing the colours and layout here....bear with me...

How was the gathering girls? Would like to share what happened over the phone with Ken that day. He called regarding the OCBC account. Will share the details with you lthe next time we meet up.

I need courage. I don't know what I am afraid of by not calling him to ask for the payment. I don't care if he hates me for life. Maybe I'm afraid that he will run away and just drop everything and say that its not his problem. And I have no legal proof to drag him to court. I feel I'm on the losing end. I can talk to his mum, but I need the courage to make that phonecall. I know he'll be very angry if I were to call his mum. Frankly, I think I might be afraid of that. Afraid of him being angry. Its almost like when we were together in the past. I was so afraid when he was angry. Tell me, in a way, am I still being tormented psychologically by him? I cannot seem to place my finger on what is it exactly that I fear.

Jen, Min, Qing...what can I do? Really appreciate the chat we had at grounds that night....I need another morale booster....

Dear, I won't drag you into this problem. I'm thankful enough that you're by my side through it all...

Why is my temper getting really bad lately? Little things piss me off. Things I would never get pissed off in the past are making me tick now...one smooth day at work can be destroyed by just a small matter or a small inconveniences that delay my work. Or am I getting to be too much of a perfectionist that I cannot "move my cheese" when I cannot complete what I want to complete in a day?

Alvin came up to me after maths lesson and asked me "Ms N, what's wrong with you?" I asked him what he meant and he said, "You don't look happy. Are you angry? Why are you angry?" and I told him it was becuase the class was too noisy and naughty. When I left the classroom, it dawned on me (yet again) that they can see and feel how I feel. This boy is a very nice boy. He innocently came to ask me what the problem was, risking me yelling at him to go back to his seat. His innocence made me realise something...

Jenny, I remember you once said that I have no temper at all. I used to think that it was a virtue to be a "peaceful" person. Actually, I still think its a virtue. But maybe having gone through quite a bit since our secondary school days, I think that keeping quiet can lead to worse consequences. But hey back to having that good temper...I think I must find myself again. Shouldn't get too caught up with work and all that stuff and make myself upset. All this is a form of stress too.

I'm having gastric now. I don't know why.

Need to wash my face....