I felt that same old feeling just now. That feeling of being kicked in your stomach, that feeling of stupidity, of being "kept in the dark" and that feeling of self-realisation of having looked like a fool to others around me on certain occasions. I tried to take it easy, to be maganimous and to behave like it didn't matter. I guess I couldn't hide it too well.

Then he told me he was joking. But my thoughts and feelings were travelling so fast along that old familiar path that I couldn't stop in time to prevent myself from feeling it. I almost wanted to cry. I fought hard to prevent my imagination from running any further. It was that same feeling. I don't like that feeling. I wasn't upset about the issue that he had joked about. I was upset that I wasn't told the truth. That is what upsets me the most and cuts me the deepest. But since what he told me was meant to be a joke, I brushed it aside and let it pass, and continued eating my pizza.

I had wanted to talk about it when we were alone just now. But Iv called. He was upset and he needed to talk. Some relationship problem. I shouldn't have readily agreed to meet him up to talk but I did. It's probably my nature to immediately tend to my friends who are in need. I think he got upset because I agreed to meet Iv when just 5 minutes before the phonecall, we had arranged to go prawn fishing with his brother. Anyway, when Iv called again, I told him that I could only speak to him over the phone and we spoke for awhile.

What a series of events. He fell asleep while I was on the phone and he's still sleeping now. And I'm not having a good feeling about this whole evening. That same familiar feeling of fear has crept up in me again. Fear of what? I'm not sure.

Iv and I are meeting up tomorrow evening for dinner. He needs to take some time off from this girl he's been seeing. I messaged the rest asking if they want to meet up but one by one replied saying that they're not free.

I'm feeling uncertain now. To wake him up to talk? No...he's sleeping. I shouldn't disturb him. To wait for him to wake up and then talk? Well, provided it won't be too late or I might have to go home already. I don't want to wait till the time comes when I have to go home and we have not yet talked about this. The main reason is because I don't like to go home with the unsettled feeling in me.

Darling...I'm lost.