8 years ago

On this night 8 years ago, Pa passed away peacefully at the Assisi Home and Hospice. At this time 8 years ago, I was waiting with him downstairs for the casket to arrive while the rest of the family was busy making the funeral arrangements. His body was wrapped in a sheet of white cloth and was resting on a cloth stretcher that was placed on top of 2 wooden benches. I remember seeing the slight buldge at his bottom and was wondering if what I was seeing was the tumour sagging at his bottom.

And I thought to myself....what will my life be without him now?

We busied ourselves with the funeral over the next five days. There was so much to do. We had to get his death certificate done, put up the obituary in the papers, cater for our meals from the vegeratian caterer that came along with Ang Chin Moh Caskets, pack the packet drinks and mineral water into the large refrigerator, wrap two 10-cent coins with red paper, spread white sheets of plastic over the tables, layout an assortment of sweets, melon seeds and peanuts at each table and ensure that there were pieces of red string and tiny packets of 20 cents on each plate, call up my dad's old friends to inform them about his passing, receive condolence wreaths from delivery men, ensure that all expenses were properly recorded in the Expenses Book provided by ACM casket, guard the tin of money where we put all donations collected, count the donations at appropriate times to clear the tin and send the cash upstairs for safe-keeping, put out mattresses in my living room floor for relatives to rest when they stay the night, bring the hot water boiler downstairs so we could make coffee or hot drinks whenever we needed, ensure that all left-overs from meals are properly disposed so as not to attract cats or pests, clear the tables when friends and other relatives leave after their visits. All this, on top of having to spend hours in Buddhist prayer and chants with the monks from Bee Low See Temple, which could stretch from 7:00pm all the way to 10:00pm with 10-15 minute breaks in between.

The sheer exhaustion from the running of the funeral left us little time to check our emotions and to feel the sense of loss. The only times when I really cried my heart out was when I had some private moments. These only happened when I took showers, when I just stayed away from the funeral for awhile and sat somewhere else at the void deck, or when I was sitting inside the tent next to Pa's casket.

Grieve does not really happen at a funeral. Not because you're not sad, but because you're so physically exhausted that you have no time or energy to check your emotions nor to feel any loss. Grieve takes place slowly, awhile after the loved one has left. When the space left behind is too empty and stark.

The worst part of the funeral was the cremation. Technology 8 years ago was not as advanced. Trolleys that supported the caskets were old, unoiled and rickety. The wheels squeaked as the men pushed my dad's casket into the cremation chamber and we were all ushered into the viewing room to witness the process. Ma, Sis, Bro and I huddled together and held hands. My bro had his arm around me. I was whimpering like a kitten. Then the door to the furnace opened and the men aligned the height of the trolley to that of the entrance of the furnace. Without a warning, one of the men gave a strong push and the casket rolled into the furnace.

"Grong Grong Grong Grong Grong!!"

I felt my legs collapse beneath me. Nothing prepared us for that terrible sound, together with the thought of the fire and my dad's being in it was just too much to bear. We sobbed uncontrollably. Relatives huddled around us and helped us to our feet. My aunt held onto to me tightly as she ushered me out of that room.

Words cannot describe that pain.

There were still things to do after the funeral. We had to get back to the void deck to clear our things. The Buddhist monks had to come to our home and help us to set a separate altar next to our altar for the Goddese of Mercy. Pa's photo was put there and we were instructed to lay 3 simple vegetarian dishes and a bowl of rice for him. The mini-player for Buddhist chants was turned on at a slightly audible volume, whispering continously the calm Buddhist chants that will fill the house in the quiet of the night. Our family was to be vegetarian for a total of 99 days (if I remember the number of days correctly).

That night, Ma and I could not sleep. We tried to watch TV in the living room but the discomfort was eminent. Something was simply missing. Things did not seem quite right. We could not go back to the room to sleep, especially for Ma. She spent the night out on the sofa in the living room and I dragged a mattress out and lay next to her there.

The empty space left behind was so hollow. Like a vacuum that cannot be filled. A memory too painful to recall at that moment.

I miss Pa alot. I miss his voice, his smile, his jokes, his stern look, his signature snort and cough, his mischievousness, his advice, his approvals of our good behaviour when we were young, his way of showing us some of life's greatest values and virtues through example and not instruction. I remember kissing him on his cheek even when I was already 22. It's something that we all have with our dad. We'd show affection by giving him pecks on the cheek, be it a goodnight kiss or whatever.

Today, I spent sometime remembering him and honouring him in my heart. I no longer cry as much now. I still will, I know, when I miss him tremendously. But just for today, there are no tears. Just memories. Some fond, some nostalgic, some bitter-sweet. And I want to blog and re-blog these events every year, as far as I can, because I never want to forget. I never want to forget because once you lose the memories, then everything is gone forever....

Have ill health? Well, don't complain!

A Buddhist monk said :

"Having good health is just having a slower way to die."

There.

I am a man...??

My gender, as registered under a certain driving centre in the west, is listed as Male.

Huh?!? Some typing error by a clerk?

I am supremely frustrated by the user-UNfriendliness of the website. I logged in and was trying to see if I could book for my driving test myself. And this message kept popping up in my face "You have not updated your PDL." So my next logical step would be to update my PDL, right? I mean, god knows what "update my PDL" means. I searched and searched and there was NO WAY I could update my PDL. Heck, there isn't even any place for me to read up on what it all means. It's so totally screwed. I give up.

I gave my particulars to my driving instructor. He says he would do it for me (that was before I tried getting online myself). I wonder how he's going to book a test date for me and if he knows what "update the PDL" means. Believe me, I am totally stumped. Maybe those who have taken their test before know exactly what it means to update the PDL. I guess it simply means to update the expiry date of the PDL, isn't it? But WHERE DO I DO THAT? I searched high and low...even sifted through the FAQs (which, as a matter of fact, is probably not helpful to anyone at all) to see if I could get some clues. Nope. Nothing.

Dammit. The driving centre is beginning to seem more and more kampung. Like a village school trying to gain world-class standards by having a website and yet failing to provide what customers really need.

It's windy!

Two things to be happy about today:

1. I cleared ALL my marking of the exam papers!! (Big sigh of relief)

2. I passed my Advanced Theory Test today!! *woot!*

I only started reading the Advanced Theory book last evening in the car, while we were travelling down to Muthu's Curry for dinner. I covered three-quarters of the book during the journey (partly because my instructor had already ticked the essentials for me...basically he helped to "spot question" for me) and somehow felt that the information I was reading was all rather common sensical to me. Then when I got home, I took up the "ten-years' series" and read through it. Managed to cover about 200 questions before I went to bed and was pretty much confident because I could answer the questions in that book (without looking at the answer first - I swear!)

Anyway, I did not feel nervous at all when I was taking the test. Had the same feeling when I sat for the basic theory. It was quite exciting actually. The theory test now is really high-tech. No more shading of the ovals using your 2B pencil. Now it's touch-screen and get your results immediately! The invigilator told us that passing mark was 45 out of 50. Phew. When I was doing the test, I came across a few questions that I had doubts with. Imagine my relief when the screen showed "PASSED" after I clicked the Ok button!! I'm proud of me!!

Oh....on a sidenote....I'm not quite sure if its the Xando meal replacements that I've been consuming, or is it the small portion of dried apricots that I had this noon....but I was EXTREMELY farty this noon! I literally felt the air going around in my tummy and intestines and I really just stood around and "Phhhrut" away. They were all rather silent (It's not that easy to control every single one to reduce the noise pollution! besides...there were just too many of 'em) and some were quite stinky....I had to move away discreetly to avoid suspicion...

Non-vintage

Check this out....I LOVE the humour here!

I mean, I do apprecriate vintage fashion but those gals at work just lay it on a wee bit too thick these days. This site makes it up to patch up that part of me that wants to scream "enough is enough!"

*******************

I went too fast on the road today and did not expect the light to turn yellow. Had to jam break and got a good shelling from my instructor. Felt deeply embarassed and now a little not-so-confident around traffic lights. It started to rain heavily at the last half and hour of my lesson. Quite cool to drive in the rain but visibility was real low and I had to concentrate hard. Ooh!!! I also learnt how to do parallel parking today. With the poles. I have no idea how its going to relate to real life when I have to park between cars and not poles. I think I will get out of the car and swop places with him if we ever do have to parallel park. Either that, or I'll boycot all places that requre parallel parking.

I wonder if my instructor knows that I have not learnt how to reverse park yet. Beginning to wonder if there are lesson plans for private instructor courses. I thought it was too soon to learn parallel parking when I have not tried reverse parking...yes? Also, he only made me do a U-turn once today. That didn't feel like enough practice.

I had a totally good veg-out time on the sofa this noon. *yawn*

I have a wedding dinner to attend tonight. Totally do not feel like going for it but I think I have to out of obligation. Damn... intend to find some excuse, make a quick exit and head home to spend time with him.

stretch!

Come one girl......STRETCH!!!! a little more!! You can do it!!

Daughter

I am the daughter that you all hoped was a son but it didn’t matter anyway and I was still greatly loved.

I am the little girl you were so proud of because I would entertain all our relatives with solo songs and dances. I am the daughter who did so well in Kindergarten and came in first in class for both years.

I am the child whom you taught how to save money when you made the three of us put fifty-cent coins into our own piggy bank every night.

I am the daughter who sulked and sat on the sofa in the living room by herself when she did not get her share of the durian. Later on, you managed to make her smile and take her back to the kitchen to join in the fun.

I am the daughter who begged you to give her piano lessons and you finally agreed after a long time.

I am the daughter who would never ask for anything from you, who always felt bad having to request for special things like a new pencil case or school bag.

I am the daughter you carried on your shoulders to see the physician when she was too sick to move. I am the daughter who was with you when you slipped fell at the market while taking me home from school one rainy day. You kept me from falling and you fell instead. You had to lie down on the bed that night because your back was giving you so much problem.

I am the daughter who was almost going to be made a prefect but you decided I should not be one as I scored 36 out of 50 marks for a Maths test. I did not dare to tell you about the test and I hid the test paper in my schoolbag. When you found out, you caned me quite badly and wrote that letter to my form teacher immediately to stop her from appointing me as a prefect in class.

I am the daughter who said she was going to be a teacher from as early as Primary 2.

I am the daughter who rushed out of the toilet halfway while showering because I tried to put a stop to your fight. I am the one who cannot stop shivering when such things happen.

I am the daughter who learnt one of life’s greatest lesson from you when you told my sister to apologise to our father for hitting him, even when he hurt you, because children must never hit their parents.

I am the daughter who witnessed your love for him when you took care of him tirelessly without complains despite your own physical exhaustion.

I am the daughter who hugged you when you sat and cried your fears out. You said you were worried that we were too young for you to leave us, should your illness take over.

I am the daughter whom you comforted over the phone when I called from a Plaza Singapura payphone to announce my O level results in tears. I am the one whom you trusted so much and whom you gave so much space during her A levels. I am the daughter who cautioned you that she may not make it to NUS the first time round but assured you that she would make it if she had to try a second time.

I am the daughter whom you were so proud of because I was going to study at NUS.

I am the daughter who felt that my convocation was meaningless because you could not attend it. You had to stay home and we rushed home after the convocation just in case you needed anything.

I am the daughter whom you were proud of because I was going to NIE to become a teacher.

I am the daughter who made your blood boil so many times because of her boyfriend at that time.

I am the daughter who told you lies just to get a chance to spend the night out.

I am the daughter whose heart wrenched when she saw you desperately trying every possible suggested remedy to find a cure for your illness. You even pounded and drank the leaves of the weeds that grew at the roadside. I felt so helpless and now that I am wiser, I know that your sense of helplessness must have been a hundred times greater.

I am the daughter whom you allowed to look after you when you were at the hospice.

I am the daughter who did not know what being warded in the hospice meant and did not cherish those last moments with you well enough. I am the daughter who should not have left the ward in the middle of the night just to go for Roti Prata at Thomson with her boyfriend while you were fast asleep. I am the daughter who regrets to this day the fact that I was not more understanding of your condition, who wishes that there was more time we could have spent together, who still dreams of you whenever I miss you.

I am the daughter who sat next to you that night at the void deck while the rest of the funeral arrangements were being made and your casket was on its way, wondering what her life would be like without you in it. I am the daughter who slept next to you while you were resting in the casket, whose heart broke when she saw them pushing your casket into the furnace.

I am the daughter who slept in the living room with you the first night after the funeral because we both could not get used to the emptiness of the house and the hollow he left behind in our hearts.

I am the daughter who tells herself ever so frequently now to cherish you for everything, to never take anything for granted. Not even you.

I am your daughter.

Handicap-friendly? Not!

M, MJ, TC and I went to do our recce today for the coming HFC Camp in December. We decided to name it "The North-East Challenge by TM and HFC" and we went up and down the NE line today. Learnt a few interesting things about each unique MRT station and took some pictures as well.

H : How many stops till we get off next?
MJ : One....
All (moaning & groaning): wah lau....

Verdict : Age is catching up on us!! We were so tired after all the walking around.

OK I'll cut the chase and get straight to the most important thing I want to blog about for today. I want to comment on the disable-friendly facilities provided in this country. Despite all the effort made by SMRT to provide lifts, ramps and handicap-friendly toilets, the provision of such facilities are still far from friendly. True, handicap or elderly Singaporeans can now take the MRT to any part of Singapore that they want, but take a REAL walk through these MRT stations using the paths for this minority group and you will realise that they aren't all that friendly. I'm speaking mainly for those who require wheelchairs for mobility.

(I strongly feel that handicap-friendly facilities must address the needs of the wheelchair-users, or we might as well not provide anything as all other forms of handicap are mobile, right?)

Take for example, there was a notice at the lift at Chinatown station. (This is the lift that serves the MRT B1, street level L1 and garden bridge level L2.) The notice said that the lift is only operational between 3pm and 11pm everyday. Should anyone need to use the lift, they can approach the station control master for assistance.

So WTF....where is this station control master? Underground of course! So if you were a wheelchair user on L1 or L2, you would have to get a cab home. If you had just taken the train and wanted to exit at Chinatown, you would have wheeled yourself a real long way only to realise that there was no way you could get out of the station and you would have to back track all the way down to speak to the station control master so that he could activate the lift for you. What a waste of time. Wheelchair users already spend more time travelling. Such inconveniences that are conveniently overlooked will just delay them even more. Doesn't make sense does it? I cannot fathom any possible reason for the strange operating hours of the lift, except to think that it's a cost-saving or labour-saving move.

A wheelchair user could take the MRT to any station in Singapore now. But that's about it. The areas surrounding the MRT stations are still by and large extremely handicap unfriendly. the general population is by and large extremely handicap unfriendly too. We belong to such a fast-paced society that people would be irritated if they were delayed by a slower handicap commuter.

Oh take another example. We walked all the way from Chinatown MRT station towards the direction of Clarke Quay station. We were interested to focus on the Speakers Corner as one of the areas that the campers could visit. The Thong Chai Medical institution was also an excellent spot as it is a national monument and there is so much to learn as the kids go along this stretch. So we happily planned our questions, tasks and instructions based on these 2 locations. Then we crossed the road and went into Clarke Quay station. Our job was not done yet. We had to look for the lifts in the station so that we could get an idea of how much walking time we need to give the kids and which station exit did the lift serve (YES, the lifts only serve one of the many possible station exits). So we took the lift up and walked out of the station. We found ourselves far from Speaker's Corner and the medical institution. We were basically at a station exit that was in the middle of almost nowhere. We had to craft a new set of tasks and questions based on "almost nowhere" and had to settle for a less educational and historical visit at this MRT station. Darn. I can understand why lifts are not provided at every single exit for the MRT station, but I cannot understand why the lifts serve the oddest exits of all. The quietest and less-crowded exits, I presume.

I rest my case.

At some stations, the distance between the exit points and the lifts is SO FAR that it's almost like a torture to ask the kids and volunteers to go on this journey. I mean, even WE were tired of walking!

H : eh like that how? Kids like Mubarak would be able to walk this far, but I think anyone with more severe handicap from Nizam or Gopinath onwards would be in trouble.
MJ : Yeah I agree.
M : The volunteers pushing those on ordinary wheelchairs will also die man.
All : yah...
MJ : We need to give them breaks!
H : yeah...we must have some way to insist that they take a break to eat and etc.

Nevertheless, we feel accomplished today. We managed to finish going through what we wanted to do and we are going to meet up again next Sat or Sun to run through the preparations. Phew!

PS : Pampered myself with a pedicure after the recce just now. I enjoy doing girly stuffs.

Can't sleep

Monday night : took half a tablet and went to bed. Cannot tell if the tablet worked. Woke up feeling the same. Rested? not quite.

Tuesday night : fell asleep while taking my temperature and lying on my bed. Woke up at 2am and was very wide awake, all the way till 4am. I just COULD NOT sleep. Did not want to take the tablet because I was afraid I would not be able to wake up on time in the morning.

Wednesday night : Teacher's day dinner. Got home at 12am. Can't sleep yet. It's 1 am now.

Something is wrong. I feel awful about myself. Physically.

yupyup

yikes...

I'm not so sure anymore!! How?!?! Why??

I feel like popping the sleeping tablet that Dr Tay prescribed to me. I want to tear my emotions away from it all and handle things as a matter of factly.

Never taken sleeping tablets before. Will it cause me to have difficulty waking up in the morning? Will I get addicted to it? Should I take both the sleeping tablet and the tranquilizer together? Will it have double knock-out effect?

Knock me out!!...oh yeah....

I can't seem to take control of my life. My time. My emotions. I want to love myself but I don't know how. I want to pamper myself but I don't know how to do that without spending money. I wish I had enough self-discipline to put myself as a priority instead of letting others be more important. I must stop being so stupid. Yes?

Bad day.

I lost it today. I lost my cool at my students. I was just so upset that I broke down in front of them, yelling and screaming as if I was mad.

I was in fact, quite mad. I was so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head as I rambled on.

Tired.

I am tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally.....well....at least not spiritually I guess.

Deadlines are killing me. I have not been able to get my work done because of other things that I do as a Dean. I have exam papers to set (it is long overdue) by next Monday, continual assessments to grade before next Wednesday. These 2 alone are crushing me! I don't know how I am going to survive. I can't wait for next Thursday to come because that would mean that everything will be over by then.

F-16

Last night's was one of the best....we haven't shared that for some time, have we baby?

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I dreamt of Han last night. Or rather, he was in my dream. I was in the right-backseat of a car and was travelling past some airfields. It was almost evening and the skies were grey. I was looking at some F-16s doing stunts in the air. Strangely, they all fell from the sky one by one, as if it was part of an air-show. The strangest thing was, they just landed on their sides safe and sound. They fell like birds from the sky. I felt fear just watching them fall from the sky.

Then I realised that there was someone sitting on my left, right next to me. In my dream, I was thinking of Han and his F-16. I thought of the tiny twisted bits of metal that was left of his F-16. In my dream, I did not recognise this person next to me, but I know that he knows Han too. The difference between us was that he was not sad about Han. In fact, he had an air of peace around him. He was just sitting there, calmly, watching the F-16s in the air with me. Then suddenly, I did not feel the fear anymore. I just felt that everything was going to be ok and that the pilots were safe.

The dream stops there.

When I woke up this morning, I could still remember this dream and I thought about the guy who was sitting next to me. He was wearing blue jeans and a dark purple shirt. Then I realised that it was actually Han that was in my dream, sitting next to me. I did not see his face but I am sure it was him in my dream because I recognize those clothes. It was as if he had come to tell me that everything was ok and I need not think about the F-16s again. I don't know....but when I realised that it was him in my dream, I cried...but only for a very short while...

I cried buckets

Wenwen...sleeping forever...

I checked on Wenwen when I came home yesterday and confirmed that she was sleeping and resting. She wasn't well for the past few days and I noticed that she had a bloated belly and she did not want to drink water even when I put the snout of the water bottle at her mouth. Knowing her temper, I did not try to carry her or disturb her because she does not quite like to be touched. So I left her to sleep.

When I came home at about 10:30pm - 11pm last night after supper with him, I checked on her again and I thought it was wierd that she had not changed her sleeping position at all. (Hamsters move A LOT in their sleep and they shift positions a lot too) I took a closer look at her and realised that she did not seem to be breathing. Usually you just have to look at their bodies for awhile and you would see them heave up and down as they breathe.

She was not moving.

At all.

I panicked and started calling her. Immediately and gently, I took out the ladder in the cage so I could have more space to stick my hand in. I approached her very slowly and cautiously, in case I gave her a shock. I kept calling her and I stroked her back with my fingers. She did not respond. She looked as if she was in deep slumber.

I removed the cage cover quickly so I could have a closer look to confirm my worst fears. I peerd closely at her and realised that I was right. She was gone. I started to cry. I called him to tell him that she was gone. After I hung up, I just sat there, not knowing what to do. I looked at her tiny little body and I felt so sorry. I wasn't there when she died. She probably died in her sleep and I hope she had not suffered pain at all. I decided to take one last picture of her as a memory, before I started to clean her up.

I slowly moved the wood shavings next to her away. I lifted her as gently as I could from the bed of wood shavings and I slowly began sweeping off the wood shavings on her body. She was almost stiff and felt chilly to touch. When I turned her over to her side to sweep off the shavings on her underside, I noticed that her belly was all blackish. I think she must have had some kind of cancerous tumour. I felt so sorry. My brother was next to me and he was very kind and understanding to not say anything at all. He just sat next to me and watched as I swept all the wood shavings off her body. I was trying so hard not to cry but tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. Mum gave me a small yellow towel to wrap Wenwen in. After I cleaned the shavings away, I held her in my hands and stroked her back gently for awhile. I told her that I was sorry I wasn't there when she was leaving. She was a wonderful pet and I love her very much. I told her that she must make her way to the rainbow bridge now to join Mimi and Chips and that there was plenty of food and friends there. She would always be happy and comfortable at the rainbow bridge.

I said goodbye quietly.

I wrapped her in the yellow towel and placed her in a ziploc bag. He will take me to the nature park tonight and we will bury her together with Mimi and Chips. I placed her into another 2 ziploc bags just to make sure things were air-tight and then I placed her on one of the shelves in the freezer.

We'll bury her tonight.

Bye bye...Wenwen girl....

You think I like to?!

I spoke to the three of you just last week. Exactly a week ago, we talked about your lack of self-discipline to do your own work. I spent a whole 3 periods of my time sitting there with you trying to understand you, trying to listen to you and explain to you the consequences of your actions so that you knew better what to do exactly. And you promised that you would bring all your materials from that day onwards and that you do not wish to drop the subject. You promised to work harder, to put in effort and to try to complete your work so that it can be submitted.

So what happened today? You teacher came running to me to tell me that you did not bring your materials again and that you were all just sitting there wasting away your time chit-chatting.

And what about you? You were suspended for 2 weeks and when you come back, you simply had no common sense to pack you bag and to check your time-table for the lessons for today. Forgetting to bring your materials is NOT a reason. Not even an excuse.

When I walked into the workshop just now, I expected to see you doing some work. But no, you chose to sit with your legs propped up on the table and to chit-chat. I saw you congregating there, laughing away and distracting the friends around you. What is this all about? I don't call this effort. Not at all.

And you, how dare you argue with me. You were suspended from school becuase you cannot come to school on time. And you have the cheek to tell me you were in a hurry so you forgot to bring your materials for this lesson. What kind of lousy excuse is that? As far as I'm concerned, you have just shown me that you are still not quite ready for school and that you have not learnt your lesson on how to come to school on time. Do you need a bigger alarm clock for your thicker head? Must you trouble your mother to wake you up as if you're still in primary school? You're 16 years old for goodness sake. GROW UP!

I'm truly disappointed. Let me be honest. I don't see the point in trying to talk sense to you guys anymore because you all simple make no sense to me. Your behaviour is incoherent to your thinking and your actions are incoherent to your thoughts. You don't seem to realise that results require effort. That dreams don't just come true for those who sit and dream but for those who dare to dream and to act on their dream. You're rubbish. You simply refuse to see the point even when so many adults tell you what you ought to do. So many of us have tried to give you a chance, to pep-talk you and to help you but you just don't care. So let me ask you, if you don't care, then why should we?! We can choose not to care and to just carry out school procedures with you and make like difficult for you and your parents.

Maybe that's exactly what we should do. No more second or third chances. No more being nice and talking nice. No more treating you like a human. From now on, we will try to treat you like commodities that your parents have deposited in this school from 7:20am to 2:20pm everyday and we will provide what MOE wants us to provide for you. We will not waste anymore time nor effort trying to go beyond our call of duty. Procedures. We'll do just that. We'll do only that.

You think I like to?!

Why do you think people even bother about you? All your teachers here have got our educational qualifications. We've got our diplomas and our degrees. We don't need you to make our life any richer. We don't depend on YOUR passes for us to gain anymore that what our certifications can get for us. We've been there and done that. We're safe. We can quit teaching today and find a job the next day. We're self- sufficient.

What about you? What do you have? A PSLE? Hah! Try using that to land yourself in a job that doesn't require you to sacrifice time and energy beyond what it can pay you. Try it! And once you have it, imagine doing it FOR THE REST OF YOUR miserable LIFE and see if you enjoy that thought.

Oh wait, knowing some of you, you'll probably tell me its ok what. It is? Then be my guest! Why sit here and be scolded and hounded, nagged and chased for your assignments? Might as well go work now! Get off that ass then!

You people sap my energy. You make me wonder if you deserve my attention. You make me wonder if I will ever make sense to you. You make me wonder if today's youths should be a cause for concern or not. You make me feel as if my time on you has all been wasted. You promised me you'll try. That you'll be good. What happened? I don't like to have to schold you.

You think I like to?!

Remembering...

I don't cry as easily anymore...not unless that is a real trigger and I allow myself to think about it. But I do miss him and it's hard to recognise the fact that he is gone and not just in another country. I guess I'm too used to having him live far away from home and it doesn't feel very different from 3 or 4 years ago. So it's strange to suddenly "realise" that he is not around. What a short time we shared as cousins.

Racial Harmony Day

Lovely young ladies from 3N1!

It's Racial Harmony Day Celebrations in school today. Some of the girls from my class wore traditional ethnic wear to school and they looked fantabulous!

As for me, I managed to buy a punjabi suit from Mustafa's Centre last night together with Sam. We wandered into the children's department and lo and behold! I found something that was of my size! It's a black punjabi top with detailed embroidery, beads and sequins sewn at the neckline, and it comes with a pair of red punjabi pants and a matching red scarf. The only thing was that the pants were a little too long and I had to alter them. Luckily my mum offered to help, or I would have taken the entire night to alter my pants. The whole suit cost only $19.90 so it was a real steal.

I have absolutely no idea how the Indian ladies withstand the heat in their punjabi! The material simply does not absorb your perspiration and half the time I was struggling with the scarf to make sure that it was in place. I even felt strangled a few times.

There's only one me...

I just read a student's blog. She mentioned something about me in it. She said I was her "inspirator" earlier this year and then somehow she can't seem to get close to me now. I won't go on to describe everything about me and her since day 1 this year, but this has sparked off some thoughts on my end.

There is only one me. This one teacher, with so many other students in my charge. I want to reach out to all of them but there will always be some that I will miss out along the way. Apart from this girl from my class, I also have this other girl from the Sec 2 class who wrote a 13-page journal to me telling me her experiences and problems, and asking me to be her companion and listening ear. Of course, I will not reject her. I replied her journal (mine was only 4 pages long) and tried to get her to understand if I am not able to reply as promptly as I would like to as I can be really busy sometimes. The same goes for all the other students of mine. How I wish I have 48 hours a day or something and that I can have time to do my work and spend time with them as well.

Kids these days don't seem to relate to their parents very well. It's strange because I would think that it would be my generation's parents that have generation gaps with us. Kids these days have parents that are relatively young and as such, they are probably better eduated and speak English as well. Shouldn't these kids relate more easily with their parents? It seems not so. They also don't seem to be able to just have friends their age. They seem to be crying out for adult attention and guidance. They question life, behaviour, emotions and moods and they need adults to explain these complicated concepts to them. It's draining to be a teacher if you're the kind whom they look to for such advice.

I can't find it in my heart to refuse them or say "sorry I've got no time to speak to you". My door is always open but I may be occupied with something and thus am unable to entertain them. It makes me wonder if I am doing what I came into teaching to do.

I won't go all out to try to reach into every one of their lives, but I am defintely not comfortable to know that there are students who feel like I have shunned them and that I do not care. I do care. A lot. It's just that sometimes my hands and either full or tied up. They need to understand this and I need to forgive myself if I can't spend enough time with them.

However, I believe in the abundance of love. I believe that I have so much love to give and to spread around and I do not need to withhold any for fear that it will run out. I must learn, in the small spaces that I have with my time now, to reach out to my students, even if it is in the smallest possible ways. A sweet, a card, a smile, a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a greeting along the corridor, a compliment, a lollipop, a wave....these are small ways of saying "I know you exist". I must learn.

The power of music

Ever listen to songs that make you feel a certain way? I'm not talking about those happy songs that will put a smile on everyone's faces, but the kind of songs that somehow seem to mean something to you in a very special way.

I've been listening to this particular chinese song by Candy Lo and I'm totally addicted to it. Downloaded it from the net and I've been playing it on my pc since last night on repeat. I even went to bed with it turned on. There are 2 versions. One in chinese and another in Cantonese (sung together with Wang Li Hong). I can't tell what they're singing about but the tune is just so sad. Makes me want to cry like I'm watching a tear-jerking movie.

Cantonese songs have a way of transporting me to a totally different realm altogether. They make me want to visit Hong Kong. They make me want to go to Redang Island (cos Malaysians speak Canto and sing Canto-pop Karaoke). They make me feel like dropping everything I have in this career to try something totally different. Oh my goodness...the power of music.

I've also been playing the theme song of Infernal Affairs (by Andy Lau and Tony Leung) non-stop on my pc. Been sitting here trying to catch the parts where Tony sings. Suddenly the teeny-bopper star-crazed girl in me sprang out and I started doing an internet search for Tony's fan-webby. I scrolled through photos of him and just thought "wow...cute". I've been Tony's fan since my secondary school days, when I was an ardent follower of of the "Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre" TVB series. I have not been doing any "fan-inspired" stuff for years. I used to collect his posters and articles on him whenever they appeared in the chinese version of 8-days back in the late 80's. So searching the internet for his pictures just for the sake of ogling felt a little odd and out-of-place 'cos....wtf, I'm 30 this year man!! *silly grin*

ARgh!! Listening to "Infernal Affairs" song now....I want to go to Hongkong!!

(It's 10min to 12midnight now. I have not done any of the marking that I brought home tonight.)

They died for all free men.

Personal reflections at the Kranji War Memorial - Verity and Ben.

Kranji War Memorial is a beautiful and immensely peaceful place. I took a walk down the rows of tombstones and stopped every now and then to read the names and ages of those who died in WWII. There is such a poignant mix of emotions and I can't quite describe it very well. I feel a sense of pride and awe at the courage and bravery of the men who died. I feel the pain that their family must still feel for having lost them in the war. I feel a pang of sadness for the young lives lost in battle. (some were as young as 18) I feel a sense of gratitude to these men who died so that we can enjoy peace for so many years and we are so much more tolerant of our differences.

The visit to the memorial was indeed a good one for our kids and the NZ kids. Delwyn did a beautiful job by saying something like "these men died so that we can be friends today". And we all observed a minute of silence as a mark of respect for the men.

"ding!"

I am hit by a sudden urge to let go of my entire teaching career to pursue another love - the outdoors. I don't care about the pay cut (just a change of lifestyle will do) and I don't care about the prospects that I probably have in my current position at work. The thought of taking up diving again and going all the way to becoming a master diver so that I can gain employment as a dive master and take fellow divers for diving trips as a living is just SO appealing right now. The thought of doing something out of pure love for it is beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching too. But along with teaching comes stress, monday blues, the dread of meetings, not being able to complete marking in time, exams, setting papers, typing minutes, disciplining kids day-in-day-out, the rigidity in the f*cking system... get the idea? I don't have to face any of this if I am doing something like diving!

When I was at Redang last month, we thought about the jobs that those "snorkelling boys" had. Man....to be snorkelling in the beautiful waters every day, to take digital photos and deal with the photo-enhancements to get them ready for print and orders, to conduct briefing sessions before you take a group of snorkellers out to sea, to be in touch with nature all the time, and not to mention a healthy tan all year round. To do all this for a living is blissful! Sure, the pay isnt much (I suppose) but the job perks are in the job itself. At least to me. Here's a job that has very little stress (at least from my angle)...I mean, I don't imagine the job to have the same stress that I face everyday now.

Do I have the courage to give it all up? I love teaching too. But I will never know if I could do well in something else if I don't ever try, right? How??? What am I cut out to do in this world? What is my contribution? What do I get in return?

Carp Diem!!

Now I understand

Excuse the dirt stuck all over yeah...

Wore the wrong pair of shoes today. The front part was just too tight and both my feet were squashed into it resulting in the fold on the soles of my feet! OW!!!!! They hurt like hell now and I'm walking around the house as if I have 2 huge blisters on my feet. They're a little swollen as you can see. They really hurt!

Now I understand how baby feels when he gets pain on stumpy. I mean, the folds on stumpy are like permenant! While walking about in those killer tight shoes, I thought about how painful it must be for him when stumpy hurts and he still has to walk. I really hobbled my way home.

Nothing much to report about school for today. The same old usual stuff. Our New Zealand friends are coming tomorrow and I'm all excited about it! I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything will run smoothly as planned and the weather will be kind to us. Am looking forward to the visit to Kranji War Memorial on Thursday cos I've never been there myself and I saw some real nice pictures of the place. Intend to do a little photo shoot there myself if I can sneak in the time this Thursday.

AXN is showing 5 episodes of Lost back-to-back from 12pm EVERY SATURDAY!! This is SO COOL. Imagine spending Saturday afternoons lazing in the couch in front of the TV with your favourite programme. Woohoo!!

I watched till Episode 14 on his computer last weekend. Everytime the show title "LOST" comes on near the front part of each episode, I would turn down the music and pull out the earplugs from my ears. I don't like that part cos its spooky.

I'm reading again...

Three books I bought from Borders today :

1) Raise the Red lantern - Su Tong (Zhang Yi Mou made this into an award-winning film in 1992 starring Gong Li)

2) The Sorror of War - Bao Ninh (a war novel with good reviews)

3) The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night Time - Mark Haddon.

I'm beginning to read the one on the dog. It's quite good!

Ah Chek and Ah Cheks

I saw Ah Chek while on the way home on the cab just now. He was crossing the road and he was quite close to the cab. I could have wound down the window to say hello to him but the lights had turned green and there would not be enough time for him to realise who I am, or for me to explain and jolt his memory. I didn't want to risk him thinking that I was some crazy girl trying to pick him up! haha...

Anyway, as the cab started to move away, I sat back and poignant memories of school-bus-life came to my mind. I remember this particular Ah Chek well because he had ever caned me for something I did not do and I cried out because I felt misunderstood and not cos it was painful or what. I was just moving towards the door of the bus to say bye to my friend as she got off the bus and he thought I was trying to be funny with the door of the bus. The next thing I knew, I felt a sharp pain on my upper arm and when I turned around, I realised that I had been caned by him! I was upset and cried, but because of my pride, I tried to hide the tears by covering my face.

My, has has certainly aged. He looked alot older and he still has that thick black George Lam moustache on his upper lip. I tried to count the number of years it has since been...and wow...it's been TWENTY years!! He is still driving buses now cos he had crossed the road from the heavy-vehicle carpark.

We were a noisy bunch. I wonder how he tolerated our chatter, laughter and monkey tricks (we were not nicknamed the Monkey Girls' School for no reason) while still driving the bus, maintaining his sanity and ensuring that we all arrived safely back home/to school.

There are a couple of other school bus drivers that I remember very clearly. There was Mr Lee (He fetched me to school when I was in Primary 1) and he had very big and yellow teeth. He used to ask me questions like "Hui hui, ni hui bu hui" and he would give me funny replies when I saied whether I "hui" or "bu hui".

Then there was Hock Seng. THE Mr Hock Seng who owns a fleet of buses to ferry us MG gals. He would not remember us by name but by our house or block number. I naturally became 2-5-7. We were all very irritated by his number-calling cos we felt like we were not treated like humans. There were always loud protests from us girls whenever he called us by number but it was always in jest and he would joke along.

Then there was Hock Seng's father. I've ever been ferried by him to school on many occasions. This old man likes to roll up his T-shirt all the way and let it rest on top of his belly. He kind of looked like one of the Taoist deities with the large belly. He also shaved his head "botak" and he looked odd cos his hair was all grey and white. He was a nice man. Very grandfatherly.

We had a couple of other bus drivers but none quite as significant as these few. I do remember there was a younger driver who was quiet and did not really communicate with us on the bus and we nicknamed him Lizard because we thought he simply looked like one.

I think my school life was made more fun because of the school bus-rides.

The past week

It has been hectic!! The past week has been terrible for me. It's only been five days and I've disciplined more than 10 students, expelled 1, spoken to 3 parents, burnt 74 cds for the band, did 1 slideshow with about 150 slides for the band, bought 37 towels and tied them up with ribbons...all these on top of teaching and preparing for my lessons.

I'm tired!! Been sleeping at about 2-3am everyday and waking up at 5.45am.

The promotion ceremony was good last night. The kids had fun and I really felt that all my effort to make it memorable for them was worth it. All children should have fond memories of school. No matter what nonsense they gave the teachers, as long as they have never been really naughty, I think they deserve to have fond memories. I almost cried a few times when they gave me real long hugs....Gosh...I will miss them!!

Baby was real sweet last night...he cooked noodles for me and we had it with fried chicken over Da Vinci Code on National Geographic last night. I was so sleepy I kept dozing off in front of the tv. Just before I went to bed, he came into the room with a glass of milk for me..felt all mushy and loved. I slept like a log...the moment my head touched the pillow, I was over and out. Poor baby did not sleep a wink last night. partly the heat, partly me, I supposed. He didn't have much space to sleep. Tonight...I promise...a foot rub for my baby and the whole bed to himself!

Going to school today. I need to get some stuff.

Wedding again....sigh

I'm tired of attending weddings. No doubt I'm happy for my friends and all that but they're just getting too expensive. Besides, I have nothing to wear anymore. I have too many casual and work stuff. So boring! The only thing to look forward to is to meet up with old friends at the wedding and to catch up. At least that's something...

I just realised I have alot of things that I need to do for the band that has not been done yet. The photo orders for SYF!! OMG that will take some time....suddenly I feel a rush of panic rise up from my stomach. Damn! how how how????

We had (free) durians at his place just now. I ate till I was a little sick when it came to the last piece. Reminded me of this story in Catherine Lim's "Little Ironies" titled "Durian". Now I'm burping the smell of durians, which actually smells like LPG gas. Very yucky.

Ok got to sleep. School starts on Monday. *DREAD*

Cheem-pan-zee

It started towards late noon. I think it was a combination of a few things that led to it. Lack of fresh air in the air-con room, not used to waking up early, not used to long long meetings, 2 days of constipation, not enough water, not enough caffeine in blood stream, not enough food, blood sugar low, etc, etc.

So I was extremely lethargic in the car. On the way to JB, I was really fighting the nausea and giddiness. I almost fell asleep at the table while we were waiting for the car wash to be done. I wasn't even interested in the coffee that was served just before dinner. I looked at the rice and soup and almost had to force myself to put it into my mouth. Actually I was really glad he ordered soup because it helped alot with my sicky condition. Once the food got to my stomach, I started burping air. Then I felt much better and was chirpy till we arrived home!

I think it was the food. I needed food.

My sunburnt scalp has started to peel and it's really gross but quite fun to pick at. Haha. Yup. I came home and stood in front of the mirror trying to peer over my head at the correct burnt spots to scratch out the scalp for removal. I had to hold another smaller mirror over my head so that I could get the best angle. My arms really ached but I had fun. It's really gross too. Imagine having MEGA dandruff that comes off your head in pieces that are about half the size of your thumb. (Yeah! That was the largest piece I managed to pull out.)

I find it very fun to pick at my hair for the scalp bits. It makes me wish my whole scalp was affected. We say chimps are human-like.... but I see myself as a very chimp-like human.

Back to work

The glory of a spectacular sunrise.
It's a pity every morning was a cloudy one while we were at Redang. The sun rose from behind those clouds and so the rays peep out from behind them.

Was in school today. I am already getting tired of others marvelling at my burnt skin and asking me where I went for the bake. I might as well print it out and wear it around my neck. Hard to get work done when others want to hear about your holiday, how it was, how much you spent, were all meals provided, what else did you do besides baking yourself in the sun, is your skin in pain, how much SPF did your lotion provide, what moisturisers will be best for your condition now, the bus rides was what 10 hours (?!) so how was it, could you sleep, how many stops were there for snacks/pee....the list of questions go on and on.

Nevertheless, I managed to get a few (too few in fact) things done today. At least now I know how much stress I am really facing and I am really freaking out! There's like so much to do and the next few days are just GONE because of the workshops and meetings that I have. Damn. If only there was just one more week to this break. Just one more week would be sufficient for me to get the act together to prepare for Term 3. I need one more work and I also need to stop fat-hoping for this one more week. Face it. I'll need to start my engine right now so I can get some things done when school reopens. I dread it. Reality. Darn!

So here's what I need to do (the list is really much longer but I will not type it all our here for fear of freaking myself out even more) :

1. Faculty report
2. Talk for 4NA students
3. Talk for3NA students
4. Band promotion ceremony *die die die* *PANIC*
5. Mahurangi College (NZ) visit. *stress*
6. Maths lessons
7. EL lessons

In case you think it's very little, let me assure you that under each of those points above, there are sub-points that go on and on. My list of things to do are just so much!!

Anyways, we came home after he signed the contract for his new job. Fell asleep for awhile and then I got up to watch Lost (he downloaded some episodes). I missed Episode 3 last Thursday because I was in Redang. Anyway, I love it. Wanted to continue onto Episode 5 just now but we were hungry and went out for supper with Chonghan instead.

my burnt back 

The view from our window 

Redang

Beautiful Redang Island

The 10-hour bus ride up to Merang Jetty was no joke. We were unlucky to be allocated the last 4 seats at the back of the bus. At first, we thought that we were lucky because the entire row at the back of the bus was empty, which meant that we could occupy them if we wanted to. Mel and I took over that row so we could stretch our long legs out. I think the bus must have had the springiest of suspensions ever!! For the entire night, we bobbed up and down on the seats and sometimes we were even thrown up when the bus driver drove over the extremely rough parts of the road. We had a driver who must have driven for Grand Prix before. There he was speeding his way up to Trengganu, overtaking every single vehicle that was in front of him (I'm not kidding). We did not sleep a wink that night and arrived at Merang Jetty all groggy and dazed.

For some strange reason that I cannot possibly fathom, the captain of our ferry refused to let us sit at the open (but sheltered) deck. He insisted we went into the ferry and sat with the rest of the passengers in the stuffy air-conditioned cabin. We were too sleepy to argue. We simply climbed into the cabin, rested our tired bodies on the blue PVC-wrapped seats and fell into deep slumber.

I shall continue the adventure another day. Right now, I am in danger of falling into deep slumber anytime!

posting photos

Ok...Now I know how to post photos in here.



snorkelling at Tioman year ago

no time!

Haven been in here for awhile. I haven had the time to type out my thoughts. Slowly lah...

of speeches and PTMs

I drafted a speech to make for tomorrow morning before the band performs. The purpose of the speech was to acknowledge the hardwork that the students have put in, and to acknowledge the hard work that the conductor and teachers have put in. Hope it's not going to be too long-winded.

I just recieved an email from on of my student's father. Apparently he is based in Kuala Lumpur and he communicates with his son on the phone everyday to find out about his school work and other stuff. He wanted to speak to me about the boy's performance in school since Jan2005 and BOY DO I HAVE ALOT TO SAY!!! *sniggers*

Haha...Nah...I never tell on my students. I provide feedback to their parents on their behaviour and work attitude. Sometimes the feedback is positive and sometimes it isn't. That's life. I don't go around telling on them...nah.... *sniggers*

Anyways, this father of the the son wants to come speak to me after school hours on 2 may 2005 and he was wondering if it was possible to make an arrangement. I was thinking...harlow sir? Been away too long haven't you? 2 May happens to be a public holiday and its a long weekend over here in Singapore yo?!! Yoo hoo....hehe...I suppose he totally overlooked this. Will let him know and then make another arrangement.

Hey...he wants to meet on 2 May....I will be in KL on 2 May....fancy an offshore, overseas Parent-Teacher Meeting man!! Awesome!! The most hardworking teacher of all time...ME!!! *clap clap clap*

"qi sin!!"

DCP

I visited his office tonight!! Thought it was actually quite a cosy place...there are homely touches to the tiny space that they have. Like we said....its an organized mess in there. Saw a photo of his boss too...and yeah, he sure looks like a nice old man who owns a provision shop.

Had my teeth done at the dentist's yesterday. Cost me a whopping $175!! Had 3 cavities filled and did some general cleaning as well. I am quite shaken by the fact that I have not one but THREE cavities!! I mused over the fact but I am actually quite disturbed too. It's almost like a reminder of my age or something? My body seems to be sending out signals to me telling me to take care of it. I think I really need to watch what I do with my body, what I put in and what I neglect. It's not fun to have cavities when you're not even 50 yet! I am not in favour of wearing dentures at all!

It was a pain at the dentist. He drilled my decayed tooth with no mercy at all, even after I cringed and squirmed like a worm on the chair. I tried very hard not to move too much. It was herculean effort! I discovered that it is worse to close your eyes when someone is working on your teeth, so keep them open and focus on somethin else. I was looking at the button on the dentist's shirt, as well as the certicates that he had collected that were strategically pinned up on the wall directly facing where I sat. I had perfect view of his credentials and drew some comfort from the fact that I was in the hands of an experienced dentist. I realised that I actually kept quiet throughout most of the the procedure.

wow...its really late. I think I will stop here and sleep first. Need to listen to my body, remember?

Almost one-third of a century

It's my birthday today! I am officially past the twenties and I have set foot into the thirties..

It doesn't feel any different.

Mudder bought a blackforest cake for me today. I took it to grandma's and had it cut together with the 2 kids. We all sang the "happy birthday" song and enjoyed the cake together. My sis was asking me to let her cut the cake 'cos she's the "expert at cutting birthday cakes because we always celebrate birthdays at the office and I'm the official cake-cutter". I let her do the honours...despite the fact the I am the official cake-cutter during all birthday celebrations in school too (whether they are for my students, band or for my colleagues) Hehe..the official cake-cutting sistas!

My 30th-year resolutions are as follows :

1) To get my driving license (YEAH!!!)
2) To lose some weight (DOUBLE YEAH!!!)

I am DETERMINED. Absolutely determined to make sure that I achieve my goals for the year. Plans are on the way, mind you.

Happy birthday to me!!

Sweet Dreams, Little Chips

Chips passed away peacefully yesterday morning...she was found in her "exercise wheel" and she looked as if she was sleeping soundly. I hope she did not go through the pain that Mimi did when Mimi passed on.

I cried when he called to tell me the news. It's always sad to lose a pet...something so tiny and so cute, not being around anymore to play with us. I still remember the times when we first brought her home, she would really poo alot whenever we took her out to play. She even pee'd on his bed by accident! It was really amusing. She had the gentlest temperament. She never bit, never squirmed so much and she was always so easy to handle. Such a mild little creature.

We buried Chips at the nature reserve, right next to Mimi. Mimi's "gravestone" was still there. I was glad that she was not dug up by any dogs or cats. I wrote a small note for Chips and I also threw in some goodies for her before we finally covered her with soil.

Dear Chips...have fun at the rainbow bridge! Mimi is there waiting for you and I'm sure you will make lots of friends there. There will always be food and delicious yoghurt drops and chocolate drops for you. It's a happy place and I believe you'll like it there. We won't ever forget you!

Creative Muvo V200

(((I tried like crazy to include a picture of my new toy here, but it refused to work. So I gave up.)))

I bought this at the Creative Fest. Paid $199 for it. Main intention was to record the music that my band plays, but as it turns out, the recording function is way below expectations. *SIGH*

Nevertheless, I got myself a pretty nifty mp3 player! Now I have to go look for mp3 music..

Dinner Time

I just came home from a dinner that my Principal sent me to. A political dinner at the community centre where I had the opportunity to dine with an MP (at separate tables, thank goodness) and many other "important people".

It was an eye-opening experience. The enthusiasm in the grassroot leaders and the other people of the community was very good (in fact) I was surprised that they had many people lined up for the entire night just to sing for us. I think the singers were so enthusiastic and delighted for the chance to be on stage to belt out their favourite songs. Nevermind how awful and off-key some of them sounded, I was glad that they were a good distraction and excellent excuse for us not to have to make small talk with each other. Besides, we were seated directly in front of the blasting speakers and that made casual chatting near impossible. We ended up using hand gestures to invite each other to eat and etc.

As for the food...well, nothing much to say. It was definitely very filling and I think it would not be right to compare the food with that served at the restuarants or hotel banquets. Nevertheless, its tasty and that's cos...

1) the fish and the chicken were DEEP fried and laced with thick sauce to mask the lack in freshness,
2) the prawns were heavily coated with thick chilli sauce, (also to mask the lack in freshness),
3) the noodles were slightly overly salty (and therefore tasty)
4) the shark's fin soup was swimming under a thick layer of chilli oil (it was named "Hot and Sour Shark'sFin Soup, not surprisingly)
5) the Mushrooms in the "Sitrfried Mushrooms and brocolli" were the largest mushrooms I've ever seen in such a dish

Ok I think I've said quite enough about the meal.

Ooh, I had the opportunity to meet the new Principal of BVSS. I must say, she sure looks young and quite fun! I could joke with her, but I had my reservations, lest she discussed my behaviour tonight with my P!

Curled Lashes

What a joy to wake up in the morning to be greeted by a cheerful bouncing little girl who adores you!! She skipped into the room and plomped herself right next to me and started called "yi-yi! yi-yi! Wake up! I want to see the hamster!" And then the younger one came running after her and slammed himself onto my bed for a hug.

Oh what fun...I missed them quite abit and it's always nice to see the kids.

Told my sista that I will need her to get me some SKII products when she goes to HongKong in April. She actually WON a free trip to Hongkong during one of those CNY dinners by one of the companies that she works with. Can you beat that? A free trip! And when one of the associates from Hongkong learnt that she was the editor of the magazine, he came up to her during the dinner and promised to host her for 2 days in Macau for free! She's flying Cathay Pacific....*sigh*

Man...MOE never provides such benefits...haha

OH!! I got my eyelashes done. Did it at Amore...not that I did not try Keat Hong Shopping Centre..they were fully booked (can you beat that?) for the weekend! I just HAD to get mine done so I went to Amore. Paid $45 for 45min of the perming session. I love the effect! But there was some glue stuck on my lashes after the treatment and I had to stay in the toilet removing it myself. The girl told me that it would fall off naturally when I washed my face after I get home, but I wasn't going home yet! I had a hot date with my man so how could I possible go out with glue on my lashes? They didn't look like glue actually...they look like dried mucus...as if I just woke up. Anyways, I was advised to wear mascara in order to keep the lashes looking at their best and to help the perm last longer. No problem man! I love mascara...

Oh my god...am I turning into a bimbo!? Nah...I've got the brains...hehe

Pamper pamper

What to do with an old tube of mud mask that you won't use on your face anymore? You use it on your legs! Haha...my calves are coated with Nu-skin's bluey green Epoch mud mask right now. Want to "close the pores" on my legs....tighten them after the hair removal process. What a pamper...

I'm going to give my hair a mask too....after the legs are done, I'll hit the showers...pamper pamper...

Thinking of going for eye lash perming in town later....Amore has it. I might just try it. I got another location from MJ and it's at CCK. Checked out the address and the location on streetdirectory.com and it doesn't quite look like a very up-market place. Am a little apprehensive about going there. It's a tried and tested place to go to, but the location kind of puts me off....it's in Keat Hong Shopping Centre...sounds like the kind of beauty parlour that the typical HDB auntie visits huh? I'm really not sure! MJ gets her done there at less than $40..a good deal, I must admit...Argh! I don't know where to go...

I want to go to town later to do some girly shopping...hehe...maybe I'll plan for a good dinner for us tonight and then a good movie?

come out, come out whereever you are...

Not such a good movie....

Bega

I got my hair done and was just strolling towards the taxi stand when the clothes hanging on those racks distracted me and lured me into the shop.

All I had to do was to just take a longer look at one item and examine it a little closer, and the chirpy salesgirl started fussing over me like some mother dressing up her little girl for a party. She zipped all over the store and picked out armloads of blouses and dresses for me to look at. Everytime I opened the dressing room door to come out to look at the blouse/skirt on me, she would be standing there with another set of clothes. Then she would stuff them in my face and ask me "Is this nice? What do you think of this? Try this lah! Try lah! Just try only! See how! See how!" , in her cheery-whiny voice. I must admit she is quite good at it cos I did not feel overwhelmed at all. Just felt very "helped". I did not have to walk around the store to pick out the nice stuff. She could tell, from the expression on my face when I tried on the first few items, what sort of taste I had and what styles suit my figure best. She also knew my size! Thereafter, all I did was just to step in and out of the dressing room. No need to browse!

She was good. The clothes somehow fit me like a glove (especially the skirts) and I finally picked out 3 blouses and 3 skirts. Don't want to talk about the cost but I managed to get the "member" card that would give me a 10% discount everytime next time. *blush*

That will be all for the month. Enough!!! *big smiles*

Warp Bio Clock

We've been messin' up our biological clock! For two nights (or days?) in a row, we've been sleeping at 6am in the morning and waking up at 3pm...(he woke up at 6pm today!) I wonder how I'm going to survive tomorrow at work man.

Ham Ham's wheezing real badly. I don't know why! He's been making those (rather cute) sounds and it seems like he's having a hard time breathing. He was standing up, leaning against his "house" just now and he was hanging his head over the edge. His eyes were closed and it seemed that he was sleeping in that position. It's so fun to watch him, but at the back of my mind, I wonder if he is feeling uncomfortable or something, with all that wheezing. I took him out for a cuddle and I let him walk all over my table. He had a ball exploring all my stuff and I had to put a stop to him chewing at my handphone charger's wire. Such a sweet hammie. The best temperament ever! I hope he's not sick. Will wait a few days to see if the wheezing goes away.

I'm getting addicted to mahjong! Not good.

I am also getting into the whole skincare regime thingey. It's actually very fun to pamper yourself. There are a whole list of products I intend to get/do :

1) SKII cleanser (bigger jar!)
2) SKII facial treatment water
3) Scar removal/lightener gel
4) Facials
5) Eyelash perm
6) Eyeshadows - new colours.

Ooh, I'm excited about going shopping to get all the stuff. Going to the counters to get the products, finding out more about them, doing something for myself. Some pampering! It's about time man...But before I start buying the stuff, I got to make sure I finish using whatever I am currently using. I already have countless jars and tubes of stuff I can use on my face. I got to clear them first...throw out the old ones, finish using the current ones.

What fun!

The Peaceful Place

Suddenly I felt transported back in time to the early 1980's. I'm seated on one of the cold stone benches at the flats at the Holland Village area...it's night and there isn't anyone else in sight. The families living in the 3-room flats are in their houses, watching TV, sleeping....I'm seated on the cold stone benches, looking up at the dim orange street lights, listening to the night insects and the distant sounds of the TV programmes from the residents. It's quite drak but I don't feel any sense of fear or danger. There is a light breeze in the air. I sit and enjoy the breeze as I swing my feet gently...It's such a peaceful feeling...I'm a little wistful sitting there thinking of my childhood...thinking of everything and anything...

Leslie's voice can really take me to places...

I only wish there was a way in which we can share our thoughts. I will take you with me to the places that I go to in my thoughts, let you feel the peacefulness, the whole ambience of the place, let you understand what I mean through the experience and in turn, I have some company in those thoughts and there is someone sitting next to me on that cold stone bench.

Eve of Eve of New Year

Tonight's the night where the market will open till late for last minute shopping!

CNY is just around the corner...I'm not sure what I am looking forward to, but there is always this sense of excitement about CNY. I think it's this streak that is left in me by my dad. He was always excited and happy about the new year.

We saw Flight of the Phoenix just now. Turned that that it was much better than I expected.

I don't ever want to be caught in the desert.

I was trying imagine myself in the desert with those people as I was watching the movie. Do you know that the sand in the desert is none like the sand on the beaches? It's more like dried soil...and its very fine...the first layer blows easily in the wind and it can "stick" on your clothes and skin very easily because it's so fine.

Want to know how I know? I was at the desert in Arizona once....

Wedding bells aren't ringing

Just found out from KH that A isn't getting married anymore. I kind of suspected last year when I met up (I think it was last June or something...cannot remember...it was THAT long ago) with the rest of the gang.

Aiyah...whatever lah....

to be happy

Look at what I just stumbled on after doing a search on the net.

moods

I installed ICQ and immediately I was sent a reminder to tell me that it's his birthday on 9 Feb. I was even prompted to send a birthday card.

I won't do that...it's senseless. This account should not exist anymore but I still want to hang to it because letting go is like letting go of the last contact or something. I even tried to send a message hoping that somehow there would be a reply but of course...there wouldn't.

I'm feeling really lousy now. Feeling very moody. I dont' even feel like working tomorrow.

What's wrong with me?!?!

Rwanda

Saw Rwanda twice. It's such a good movie. Very touching and very sad. I still find it hard to believe that genocide happened only ten years ago. In this age and time...it shows that modernization has little effects on the improvement of Man's mentality and ability to think logically and rationally. The power of collective hatred can drive Man to the extremes of insanity.

It's amazing. This movie makes me appreciate what we Singaporeans take for granted in our country - racial harmony. I was just telling Sam, "Can you imagine if I kill you just because you are Malay?" It is absolutely unthinkable! I cannot imagine myself being killed because of what I am. It's just senseless.

My heart goes out to the Rwandians who have perished under the hands of their own fellow countrymen.

Murphy's Law?

Why is it that you can do your work at your own steady pace when you have all the time for the rest of the day, and then when you only have 2 hours left before the office closes, piles of shitload just drops down on your lap demanding your immediate attention?

blardy hell...this is shitty boy.

Oh what the heck...at least I have a neat and clean room to come home to. At least for now....got to try my best not to mess it up!

Compliments and hints

I'm going to find time to learn something new. Focus on myself for once. Here's what I think I can do :

1) Driving lessons
2) Make-up / skincare lessons
3) Facials
4) Exercise (must start) /diet (ongoing)

That's about it for now. I think I need lessons on make-up application because of my uneven eyelids. One side looks different from the other. Whenever I apply any eye make-up, it only serves to highlight the difference between my two eyes. That's why I've been avoiding eye shadows. At most, I use mascara. I think I need to change. Learn the trick to using make-up to enhance rather than to draw attention to the wrong areas.

I seemed to catch the hint just now. He was trying to tell me that it would be nice if I could use abit more make-up, or if I could doll-up abit more. I think I got the hint. Then after that while I was at home washing my face, I started to wonder....then why is it that when I do apply the stuff (for wedding dinners, etc), he never seemed to notice nor compliment?

Likewise, I'm not sure what he likes to see me in. As in, what kind of clothes, what sort of style. He never complains nor compliments...which in a way is good, but I can't quite tell what he likes. Even if what I wear doesn't really matter to him, I still like to dress up for him, once in awhile...and I am clueless what he likes.

Compliment when you like what you see....that'll be the hint to me to tell me you like to see me in this and that outfit....

As for the extras on the sides and the belly...I'm working on it, ok? :-)

Wow....new year resolution : Look good, feel great!

Patience...argh!

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should be doing anything.

I felt better after blogging the previous post. But after awhile, I feel like "maybe I shouldn't have". I don't know why. Writing all that made me enthusiastic about putting in more effort for something I treasure. But I also know that it takes 2 hands to clap. Nevermind if one hand claps louder than the other, but both must participate, right?

I don't even know if the intensity of the seriousness is that much for me to fret over it this much. Maybe I should just wait patiently and let it pass...

argh!! I feel like it....Got a light?

What we need

Relationships take effort. A relationships that is going to be long-lasting is going to need tending to, attention and effort. It won't just happen on its own.

When our relationship was new, it was very exciting. Everything we did with each other was a new experience, and was exhilarating! Just taking a walk, or maybe even going to the movies was exciting and fun. However, as times goes by, these things that once seemed fun now seems "old," or "boring."

Both of us need to work on finding ways to keep our love and romance new and exciting. It's normal for a relationship to have a "low" period (like what we are having now, I think) but it's important that we both know this is just a phase that will pass. It's even more important to know that we both need to put in effort to feel close again.

You need time to be alone, and I can understand that. I don't think it was fair for you to treat me that way last night (getting angry at me but not telling why, not even wanting to look at me) I know you were not well, that's partly why I did not want to pick a fight (I was really fuming inside). I also knew that it would be pointless to show my discontent at that time. So I went home.

We used to lie in bed and chat till one of us fell asleep. We would read LOTR to each other. We would hold hands when we walk. We would hold hands at the movies. We kissed all the time. We made breakfast together on Sundays. You would make breakfast for me. We would go out to take pictures with our cameras. We washed the car together.

These are special to me. You are special to me. It will take effort on both of us to make each other feel special. I may be a very low-maintenance girlfriend to have, but honestly, it's only in the material areas. You don't need to romance me with expensive gifts or take me to classy restuarants to impress me or pay for my shopping. What I need for you is what I cannot buy nor give to myself...and that is affection, attention and love. I need physical pampering (touches, hugs, etc)

We love each other...and we need to show each other that we love each other. Let's not fall into the "take-each-other-for-granted" pit? Let's not assume that whatever we are giving to each other now is the 100% right formula to make each other feel loved...Maybe it was the right thing to do for each other then, but our relationship grows and changes along with time and we should not stick to "what used to work" but rather, "What works best now".

I want to start doing new things. We should start a hobby/activity together. How about cycling? We've been talking about it for ages but have yet to get down to getting a suitable bike for you. I think our weekends are just too "dull" because we do almost the same thing every weekend. You should take up a new hobby, learn painting or a new language...whatever. I should seriously start my driving lessons on weekday nights.

Our lives get too mundane because we take every single activity for granted. The daily routine gets too routined and therefore so dead. I think we should find something to do on our own, and something to do together on weekends.

I love you. I'm not sure if what I'm blogging here makes any sense or not, but the bottomline of everything is, I love you and I cherish us...alot. Things around us may change, people come and go in our lives, but at the end of the day, it's still you that I love.

So...how about doing something new? Some cycling/beach/outdoor stuff on weekends may do some good...we need the sun and exercise! But no hurry ok...I don't mean that we dive straight into things immediately...take your time, and tell me how you feel about it baby..

Ice Cream Baby

We did the BBQ impromptu last night! Went to our favourite Punggol place and had it simple. No frills (No coffee, no radio, no ice box, etc)

It was so peaceful just sitting there staring into the cloudless sky. The moonlight cast our shadows on the grass as we went about getting ready to cook. The stars seemed to have come out of their hiding places and were shining down on us happily. The 2 chimneys tops burning brightly was a sight to behold. I could just sit and stare at the flames licking the sky as the fuel burned away... It was so peaceful.

After the BBQ, we went for a game of mahjong at E's house. Had a rather good game and it was quite fun. Quite a good warm up to the endless rounds we will be having during CNY.

Oh...I forgot to mention...he came over yesterday and brought chocolate ice cream for me. That really cheered me up. You see, I need small gestures...not big time grand happenings in order to cheer up or feel better. Just a small gesture that shows you care...that's all. And I know you do...love you baby...

WTF

???????????????????????????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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???????????????????????????

read between the lines...can you see it?

Dreamt of Dad

We were in my bedroom. It seems there were guests in the house. Then they left and we were in my room talking. I was sensitive about our volume of conversation because he was in the next room resting and he had just come home after being at the hospital for a long time. Then I told them to go do their own things as I needed to clean up my room. The guests had left my room in a mess.

As I was packing. I was tellin myself all these packing was not important. I should go out and spend time with him because every minute and every second counts now. He was so ill and I should cherish every bit of time that we could have together. Stop packing. I can always pack in future but I may not be able to spend time with him in future.

Then I heard the piano. Although he never had piano lessons, he always had an ear for music and was able to produce his favourite tunes on the keyboard with one hand. He was playing a chinese new year song. It was the first song in a karaoke vcd that I bought for him years back, when I bought the vcd player for him.

I stopped packing and went to the living room. He was on the piano chair and had stopped playing because he needed to lean to his side (he couldn't sit up straight for long as it would be painful for him) I went up to him and I wanted to give him a hug. I asked him how he was...

He looked at me, smiled, and said " Pa Pa hao3..."

And the he put him left arm around me and we hugged.

At that instant, I woke up. I sobbed. It was 4:15am.

I miss him so much. I realised, when I woke up, that he has already been gone for 7 years. I only wish we could had more hugs when we could. I cherish that dream very much...and all the other dreams I had of him in the past.

The dream was so real. And I always seem to wake up at the most important part of the dream. Religious beliefs aside, I secretly hope that he is indeed somewhere nearby watching over me and coming to my dreams to comfort me or visit me.

the pain of losing you

I just read Debra and Andrea's livejournals. I feel better. There is more to life. I'm not a victim. Cherish those around me.

I miss han so much. I wish he never left. I'd call him right now and talk to him. He always had a way to make people feel better. Why was he taken so suddenly? I'm literally sitting here crying as I type this out. I need to pour it out. The pain has never left. I've moved on but thinking about it still hurts alot.

Alone and stressed

All I wanted was to do anything. Movie, drink, chill, watch cable TV...anything. I just don't want to stay home, in my room. If it's a guy's night out, fine. We'll have other opportunities to go clubbing together. I could live with that. I was real upset, NOT because I could not get my drinks for tonight, but because I thought I had plans for the night, then suddenly I don't have anything to do anymore.

Just like how I felt a few days before....I just want to spend time with him. I'm not becoming a clingy, whiny girlfriend. I am just stressed out and mentally tired and all I need is for someone to know and to be there for me. The someone whom I want to spend time with happens to be him but I think him doesn't seem to know. Maybe that's because I'm not sending out the signals right. I sure hope it's not because he doesn't care.

I really feel like going out by myself. Right now. I'd take a cab to the beach. Sit there till the sun rises.

Family

I just read her livejournal and she makes me miss han so much. I just feel like I always want to keep in touch with her because she's like a thread that links him to me, in a strange sort of way. I guess its the fact that we all love him alot and he was someone important to us. Her bf is also very sweet to always be there for her when she thinks and blogs about han. It's nice of him to not get upset over that space in her heart that she has reserved specially for han. I mean, some guys are that possesive to want to control even your emotions and thoughts, right?

"Pause to smell the roses" -- Sometimes I forget to do that. Not to smell the roses or to appreciate the green-ness of the grass but to spare some time to think and remember what is most important to me at the end of the day. Mum's birthday just past and I am glad I bought her the bag. At least the day did not past without any significant thing happening. The only thing I must insist we do is that we MUST have dinner together as a family. And I will take many many pictures! I think mum has not taken enough pictures together with Rachel and Julian. We have not taken a good family photo in a very long time. This must be a family tradition that I intend to start.

I'm so afraid I will lose the people I love.

Quality Time

It's a strange feeling.

I feel very tired at the end of a normal work day but I always look forward to the evening 'cos that's when I think my life is mine. That's when I can meet up with people that I want to meet and that's when I feel happy. That's when I can spend some time with people I want to spend time with, or sometimes even spend time on my own. I don't mind walking around at west mall aimlessly to window shop, but I do also appreciate company as well. It's a lonely feeling.

I want to spend time with you. I know you are tired too, well so am I. We can just rot in front of the TV. We don't have to go out. I can go home by myself. You need not send me home. I just want to spend time with you. I know sometimes we just want to be on our own. I like those times too...times when I can do my own things and just be alone....I like those too...

It's just that right now.....I just want to spend time with you....

I did it! I left school with only my handbag and NO WORK!! I wanted to go shopping and so we had dinner first, then he took me to Wisma Atria and set me free on my shopping spree. I've grown so much that I hardly have anything to wear anymore so it was indeed a must that I shopped! Anyway, I can wear these new clothes for Chinese New Year too...

So here's the harvest :
1) 2 skirts from Topshop
2)1 blouse from Topshop
3) 1 dress from Southhaven (+ one left there for alteration)
4) 1 blouse from iona
5) 4 t-shirts from Giordano

Whooppee!!!!

It's only day 3 but I feel as if it's week 3 already. Been DEAD TIRED everyday and I am really physically drained.

I joined the teaching profession because I want to teach. But the irony of it all now is that I have so many other deadlines and important things to do that teaching and lesson planning has been pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I hardly have time to plan my lessons properly! It's very stressful for me because I am simply not the sort of person who can give free periods to my students because I am not prepared for the lesson. I am not like that. It's against my principles as a teacher.

So because of my own principles, I am indeed suffering as I find myself striving hard to plan and ensure that my lesson flow is smooth and my notes are all prepared. Bad luck that I have to teach English again after a 2 year break. Two years may seem a very short time to many but in the teaching line, 2 years without teaching a particular subject is an excellent rust agent. I need double the time now as I am all rusty on what it takes to teach English. I forgot all about reading periods, journals, diaries, etc....I am so going to freak out.

Am very sleepy now and am actually spouting nonsense. I shall go to bed now.

Thought for the night (or for tomorrow, for that matter) : What I am in teaching for?