Sometimes my fears are larger than mountains. I try hard to be strong. I'm afraid of feeling too much, too strong. It is so true that the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

Suddenly, I miss my dad so much. I've always felt that I was too young to lose my father. Yes, I'm talking about my own life. Don't tell me that there are others who are worse off. I know. But it doesn't make me miss him less. He passed away just as I was stepping into adult-hood. Just at that moment where I was beginning on my first job, realizing my ambitions. He left. He had to. My life and my thoughts, my way of thinking and my feelings...all were in the process of creation in the past few years. I wish he was there with me as I went through the changes. Sometimes I feel I desperately need his advice or his views. Maybe even his disapprovals. He's the only man, so far, who has loved me for exactly who and what I am, who knows that my virtues are also my shortcomings and so he tried so hard to protect me from those he percieved would take advantage of me.

I have so much to give, so much to share. I once wanted to give all this to him and to share my life with him. But he hurt me at that time by spending time with others without my knowledge, made me feel like a fool. He was afraid of losing me, he said. So we should hence be best friends instead of lovers, as friends never lose each other. Maybe that was the starting point of the fall. I agreed to the change in status because I could not bear the pain of betrayal.

I want to give and share with you. My greatest fear is that you will throw it back at me, that you don't want it, that you want someone else's.