7 Nov 1997, 8:25pm, Assisi Hospice

I wonder what my life would be like now if Pa was still around.

I sprained my ankle when I fell down in school last Friday. This is the first time in my life when I am hurt and mobility is a problem. I have been complaining that I feel extremely handicapped and the restrictions to my movement frustrates me tremendously. I may be able to walk rather well now but my still-swollen foot is evidence that the injury has not healed. The excrutiating pain when the doctor rubs my ankle is another clear signal that my injury is far from recovery.

I was adviced not to walk around too much and to prop my feet up high as often as I can so as to reduce the swell. I said to myself, "How is that possible?" There's just so much to be down at work! I had initially decided to take tomorrow off to rest my foot and arrangements were made for it. But then I overlooked the stock-checking exercise that was arranged at 2pm tomorrow and I realise that its something that I cannot miss as I am the one who's clearest about what needs to be done and how it should be done.

At this moment, I wish I had practiced more leadership in ensuring that the other teachers in the CCA were involved in the previous rounds of stock-checking. But wait and minute.. teachers for the CCA were changed ever-so-often so there was no opportunity for me to coach any new-comer on the ropes.

So, I have to go to school tomorrow. If not for the morning lessons, then at least for the stock checking at 2pm.

Ok eough gripe about work. Back to my foot. I feel immobilized. I can't carry on my daily routines at the usual speed. Everything has to slow down and I'm not used to it at all. I prefer zipping my way around all the time. So this situation now is forcing me to take it easy and to slow down. Perhaps its a good thing to do but I feel so restricted. I wanted to pop by to the bookshop at the mall nearby to get myself some stationary, but i had to think twice about walking and standing that much. I feel so angry at this swollen foot of mine. Why won't you shrink?

If my minor ankle problem frustrates me so much, how then did Pa endure through all the immobility that cancer brought upon to him? If I had to be confined to a bed and be unable to walk normally, run, skip or jump, I would be such a bitter and unhappy person.

He was so strong to have endured through all this. All the way.

I miss you Pa. And I love you very much.