I have so much to say but I don't know where to begin. Will it be a good thing to record it all down here or should we just let time help our memory of it fade away? After all, it wasn't something pleasant that I want to remember about. I guess I'll just talk about my feelings here.

It's an uneasy feeling and definitely one that does not feel good. I hate to feel this way. There are so many things I do not understand. Is it a "Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars" issue? I tried to control myself but I could not do so last night. I couldn't be natural if I was bothered. I can't act and go against my true feelings. At times like these, I suddenly find that whatever I say comes out wrong and words can be mistaken easily. It was difficult trying to search for the correct phrases to truely convey my thoughts, because all the wild questions and "petty thoughts" were going through my mind like crazy. It was almost a feat to be able to control my mind and let it be calm.

We talked about things for hours last night. We both got emotional about it too. He promised that he will remember everything that we talked about last night. We agreed that what we had was special and neither one of us want to let it go at all. A small matter like this won't tear us apart. Basically because it's still a small matter at the current stage. I think, on one hand I may be oversensitive about it all, but on the other hand, if things continued the way they were going, the issue would become one that will be so great that we, our relationship, would be terribly wounded from it. Was it the right thing to do to nip it in the bud? I certainly think so.

I'm not prepared to go through the whole thing about "Let it go and if it comes back it's truely yours" That's bullshit. I've been there before and I know its all bullshit. You let it go and it runs wild. Who's hurt? You. Who's waiting? You. Who's remaining faithful and hopeful? You. Who really cares about the relationship? You. And then there will be a point on time you will realise that while the other party is out in the field having a ball, you're still sitting in your little nest waiting hopefully for him to fly back. You will realise, "Why wait when you have wings to fly too?". This little story stretched over one year for me in 2000. Now that I know how the story should end, I'll probably just go straight to the end if it ever has to happen. Isn't that the most logical thing to do, anyway?

I was touched last night. We realised how important we are to each other.