Unsure

The challenges grow as each day goes by. I wonder when will I completely be free from all of them. Will I ever, EVER emerge from all these and say "Yes, I've conquered, the worst is over and I am going to be ok from now"?

I thought that it would help by writing down the list of things I need to do into my notebook and then ticking them off one by one as I went about doing them. It's not really working. Today, I stared at the list and went "so what?". I still went ahead to do those things but I felt like I had no soul.

I feel so bad for bothering my friends yet again with my cries for help. And I saw that true friendship means we all huddle together and be there for each other through the storms we are each facing on our own. We don't ask for each other to cast aside our problems and "hey focus on mine please".. instead we just lend support and stick together. I guess this is what sticking together through thick and thin means.

I am, in particular, rather disappointed with a particular friend whom I thought cared about me and who promised to be there if needed. Why is it that when I was in a time of need, this friend doesnt seem to be one I would text? Strangely enough, I only started feeling this way towards this friend just a couple of days ago. The sudden disappearing act seems to be happening again. I did not feel that it was right to air my problems to this friend because the previous texts that I had sent had not been responded to yet. Made me feel like.. hey I don't wanna disturb you so.. I don't wish to text my problems out and not receive any response at all.

It seems history is repeating itself again. How come?! What the fuck did I do? Did I misinterprete the word "friendship"? Am I expecting too much? Did my friend get tired of hearing my problems and decide to just let me be?

I guess I should not bother too much either. I have other really good friends who are more reliable pillars of support in my times of need. Why should I allow this to affect me so and be an added source of stress?

I guess it is because I valued the friendship. And I am beginning to feel that perhaps, we had different values in this friendship.

On a side note. It is SO tough to look for a job. I am now inclined to look for an overseas job. But I think its just a starting point. Many factors to look into. The pay isnt exactly rosy so I got to decide if I want to live with it and accept low pay and HIGH experiences, or should I just stop entertaining this idea. Then the next thing is the uprooting part. Which I guess I can manage. I am not sure.

I am not sure of so many things. Too many.


The last thing I needed was to be unsure of the friendship that I have with you. I just cannot, for the life of me, understand.