Salleh's mother passed away yesterday at 3pm. Zaini called me and told me about it. He was pretty shaken too. It's too sudden.

When my father passed away, I thought I was too young to lose my father. We were instructed not to cry or call out to him as he was passing away. We were, instead, supposed to recite some buddhist chants continuously. I was there but I could not control myself. I had to run out of the room and I really broke down along the corridor. When his body was sent back to my void deck in the middle of the night, the coffin had not arrived yet and he was shrouded in a piece of white cloth and was put lying on a make-shift bench at the void deck. The whole tentage was already there so we had some privacy. I sat there looking at him. I touched his forehead. It was cold and unfamiliar. I was so sad. The pain was immense.....but I had no tears at that time. I just felt this dark emptiness, this deep hollow in me.

The whole funeral was very draining. I was too tired to think so much. Too tired to miss him as yet. Besides tending to the funeral and the relatives and friends who visited, the rest of the time I was sitting next to his coffin. Just sitting there. I remember packing his belongings and putting them into his coffin with him. He wore the suit that he had worn when my parents got married. He looked as if he was sleeping and I kept observing closely to see if he was breathing. It seemed so unreal to see him lying there motionless.

Just before we left for the crematorium, the pall-bearers came and we were instructed to turn around, back facing the coffin, as they put on the lid of the coffin. Then we heard them banging the nails into the coffin to shut the lid tightly. Every bang was like a knife piercing through me. I completely soaked the handkerchief that we were each given. The journey to Mount Vernon was quiet and peaceful. We were too tired and too absorbed in our own thoughts to say anything to each other. My mother was told not to come with us but she insisted on coming along.

When we were ushered into the little viewing room, my hands and feet went cold even though I knew and expected what was going to happen. I had already mentally prepared myself for this moment. I stood there, holding hands with my mum, sister and my brother. I was gripping onto my sister's hand so tighty and my brother had his arm around me. There was this loud rushing sound of the metal rollers as the coffin was pushed into the furnace. They pushed it in so quickly. My knees went weak and I almost collapsed as we all crumbled and wept. My auntie had to help me walk out of the room. It felt like the end. The final goodbye.

Pa, I miss you.