Why is life so tough?
I'm feeling so many different emotions now that I am about to burst. I feel frustrated and angry at my brother for insisting that we sell our house so that we can buy a better one and have it as a asset in future. He does not want to get a bank loan to go study in Australia. He wants to sell our house. THIS house. The house that my father bought with his hard-earned money, where we grew up, where my father lived to his last days in. I don't want to bother explaining everything that he said to me just now, nor what I said to him. I was so agitated that I started to tear as my emotions reached greater scales. But neverthelss I put my foot down and told him squarely that we will NOT sell this house and that's the bottomline. We will find other ways to support him through his studies but we will NOT sell this house.

I'm worried about him. He told me about the blister and I'm so worried. I don't think its anything that serious really but he is in pain and it's not just the wound that's painful but also the whole leg. He told me that there is such a thing as complications after amputation and all that and it sounds scary. I mean, I don't want to see him go through anymore of all that surgery and etc. I really wanted to be with him just now. I'm worried about my baby...and I could not talk to him online just now because my brother and my mum were in my room and we were talking about the bank loans and about selling the house and all that. I was so irritated and so frustrated at my brother and at the same time I wish I didn't have to discuss all that with him because I wanted to talk to dear. Then he said he was going to bed and that he was logging out...I wish tomorrow evening will quickly come so that I can be with him.

I'm super stressed up at work. Things were pretty ok last week and I thought I was in control of everything. Then suddenly a whole list of things just dropped on my lap and I am suddenly thrown into the fire to burn in pain. I printed English exam papers for the entire school (sec 1 to 5) this afternoon. I qualify to be a professional photocopy-woman. Stood in the printing room sorting, counting, bundling, printing, collating, arranging and bundling all the exam papers from 1+pm to 5:30pm. I am so tired. So physically tired. I tried writing down the things that I have to do on a piece of paper and pasting it at my desk. The purpose was to take it off my mind. The only effect it has served is to make me more stressed whenever I look up and see the whole list of things-to-do and deadlines. I threw that paper away. Not healthy. But nevertheless I still feel the stress because I know that there are many things I have to do and I know that there are many more things coming my way for me to do and I am the only one in-charge of it is no one else's responsibility to do it. It's scary. I am alone. So if I make a blunder, all eyes will be on me and only me.

I'm not getting anything good from the boss either. He does not treat teachers as professionals. He proclaims and preaches that we are professionals with integrity and yet he does not treat us as if we are. It's ridiculous. He treats us like students. I cannot believe sometimes that there are people like that who can treat another fellow human being, another person, in this manner. I'm not talking about him having the authority to chide us if we make any mistakes since he's the boss. I'm talking about basic human courteousy, from one person to another. He does not have that. He treats himself like he is "more equal" than the rest of us. CRAP.

I'm so tired after work. For this whole week, I have not had the time to go off straight after work to visit any banks to find out about loans and all that. I need to use one of my afternoons to do that, and also to find out more about using CPF to pay for study loans. Something to do with the Special Account that we have. I simple have not had the time to do all that. It's another one of my responsobility as an elder sister and as the "head" of the househole now that there's only my mum, my brother and me in this house. Someone has to do the research, someone has to decide and someone has to be the "bad person" to refuse to selling the house. We can't all be participative about the entire issue. Someone has to put the foot down and state those bottomlines. And that someone, is me.

One more thing to add to the stress : Meeting Number 2 at TeachMe next Wednesday. Ian and I have to come up with our plan and budget for the activities for thr first day of the camp. We have only for the skeleton so far. I don't foresee that I will have the time to meet up with him. Anyway, this also means that I have another list of thing-to-do and the deadline is next Wednesday (!)

Had dinner today at Sakura Restaurant at Far East with Sam, J, Lin, Wei, mel, ted and clowe. There seemed to be an invisible strain over dinner since we have not met up with Ted for so long. Conversation was superficial. Jay said she felt that he was sending hidden signals about not wanting to to be too attached to any clique and all that. Oh well, people do drift apart. Perhaps Ted has decided long ago that we will not be his really close friends. I'm fine about that. I mean, he's a dear friend to me but if the friendship can only go to a certain level, so be it. I'm tired of making efforts to improve the friendship as I feel that it should be from both parties.

I have been feeling rather left out lately among my friends. Maybe I'm over-sensitive.