Got email from Audrey today. She told me who Ken was with now. Just a passing comment. She said Kim (his new gf) is a nice and decent girl. Well, I'm happy for him. Despite the pains I went through, despite having to take as long as one whole year (slightly less actually) to get over the hurts, despite the fact that I am still paying for expenses incured by him in the past, I ask myself honestly and my answer is yes, I want him to be happy too. Why not? There's no need for me to be bitchy about things. Gone are the days where I would break down whenever I listen to any sappy sentimental love song, where I would start tearing on the bus when I think about the things that happened between us, where I would break down when he calls to ask about those financial stuff between us. Its amazing how I can stand and look back calmly and recognise everything as history, a buried past, an experience, and a lesson learnt.

A lesson learnt? yeah. I learnt not to let myself be manipulated in anyway at all. I learnt to spend money that you have and not money that you WILL have NEXT month. I am paying my credit cards through my nose now. I have decided not to go into the nitty gritty details to dig out all the transactions that were incurred by him. Because credit card bills were not the only ones. What about the cash that was borrowed and not returned? When we were together, I did not keep any records (maybe I should have but you don't do such things when you are a couple, right? You don't get "calculative" with each other...) I cannot remember how much I have taken out for him anyway.

Many people tell me I was really stupid and all that. I know. That is why I call it a lesson learnt. It's not my nature to go to his place with broomsticks to demand for my money back. He once said before (during that period of time when we were trying to get back together) that he will return me the money one day. The context at that time was this : we were having problems and he was deciding to not see me anymore, so he said things like,"Don't worry about the money, I will pay you back." At that moment, all I could reply was "The money's not the issue here" and I would be crying and all that. Pretty dramatic huh? Well, let's see if he will return the money. I am not having high hopes, though.

So I've learnt my lesson. Life goes on for all of us. For those of us who have been through a difficult relationshop, a painful break-up, I think you'll share the same feeling I have -- to be able to stand up and walk now. We've been through those times where we were left lying in the ground, trampled and crumbled, those times where the people around us try hard to counsel and talk to us and all we could do was hear and not listen to what they were saying, those times where we slowly realised that we just have to move on because there were other important things to do, other responsibilities waiting for us, those times where all you could manage was a leopard crawl, then you slowly get on your fours and crawl, then you stand up slowly and then walk, and then eventually the spring in your step returns and you can run, and eventually you are able to turn around and look at the path you have taken.

We've come a long way, baby...