I'm not asleep yet. It's going to 4am and I'm not asleep yet. I've got work tomorow and I'm not asleep yet.
Just showered to freshen up. Sometimes coffee has absolutely no effect on me but sometimes it keeps me up for hours. Tonight's one of those nights. I am amazingly wide awake.
We're going to return his ex-gf's things to her on Tuesday. I'm going to help him carry one of the two bags of stuff to her place but I'm going to stay out of sight when he's returning them to her. I hate to face such sitations. It's one of those times where I just feel this totally uncomfortable feeling in me. Basically its jealousy and insecurity. I don't want to see her because right now, all I have is a faceless figure in my mind whenever I think about her or whenever we talk about her. I don't want that faceless image to take form because it will stay imprinted in my mind forever. (Just like how I can still remember how Ken's ex-gf looks like)
Sometimes I cannot believe how terribly insecure I can feel about myself. I hate to do it but I do compare and I know that she's physically better than I am. Yes, I know that if I want to compare, I should also explore the areas where I am "better" but its not that easy.
Then I started to suspect if the reason why he doesn't want her to see me was because I'm as attractive as her and he didn't want to be embarrassed. I know. I know its my insecurities and I know how ridiculous it sounds but that thought did come across my mind.
What happen to the confidence that I built in myself over the past year? Being with Ken did little for my self-confidence when I found out about him (although I never saw those girls) When I was on my own in the past 1 to 2 years, I suppose I slowly built up the confidence in me. It helped when there were guys who showed interest, though I wasn't interested in those guys.
So Ms N, you do have your own line of admirers, so what are you still so insecure about?
Stop being so imaginative. Just think, 1 year down the road, will this still bother you as much? It will be nothing at all, isn't it? I got to learn to let go of my fears. Help me darling.